idk how I even get so many views on my journal entries.
seriously, the last one got 33. I don't even know 33 people on Gaia.
sweatdrop
if there are people reading my journal entries... and you want to get to know me or ask me a question, don't be afraid! just wanted to get that out there.
reading eyeless in gaza right now... the message that sticks out to me is that miscommunication lies in selfishness. when you don't treat humans as humans, and instead you treat them as bugs, the whole system goes awry, and falls apart. when we become so focused on ourselves... it's hard to listen or grasp the messages that are sent our way. so many missed connections in the course of human history, so many tragedies.
but I'm being too melancholy right now, lolzz
marriage life is... different. it kind of reinforces that idea of selflessness. selfishness in a marriage is one thing that could easily destroy it. our society nurtures this independent spirit and tells us to pursue our happiness above all else. and we encroach on the happiness of others doing so! how contradictory... nah, being selfish is misery... you're lost inside yourself and you are so buried in your own thoughts and feelings that you can't reach out.
how do I know?
experience.
I've become so... people-pleasing (a form of selfishness, because you become obsessed with whether others like you or not). Constantly doubting myself in every way. My looks, my gifts, my abilities. And in my extreme efforts to please people and make them happy, I'm actually doing a disservice to them. sometimes people need an opposing force in their life, a wake up call.
I get so worried about how I look for Josh. It's silly and stupid. I fret and fret and get all dressed up and makeup done and all that and then I parade myself in front of him for comments or affirmations and when I don't get any I just fall apart on myself. "He must think I'm ugly!" when he has told me time and time again that he thinks I'm beautiful. it's really just stupid selfishness, and I need to stop. my marriage isn't about feeling beautiful... it's about unification, and behavior like that does not cause unification. I know he gets exasperated with it, hahahahaha. oh well. we deal with each other's issues, and help each other fight them.
God... He's been keeping his promises. And I'm so slow to recognize His work in my life and so quick to complain or cry. Haha. He loves me anyway though... mindblowing. I had a dream of Jesus and I standing face to face. I was speechless. He walked away and I still stood there (I think I panicked and thought He was leaving). He came back with a staff in His hand, and the end of it began glowing a warm pink-gold-glow... and He came up to me, and touched the glowing end of it to my forehead, my cheeks, and my chin.
That night I had prayed to Him for help in restoring my self-confidence....
It's just craziness. It's so crazy to have a relationship with divinity. Like... a relationship with no fear or boundaries, because He is good, and you can always rely on Him!
Most people see God as far-removed, if they even believe in Him. But... when you begin to see how much He actually wants a bond with us, it's just crazy. The little things He does to let you know He's there and He loves you. But, you can't love God until you open yourself up to His love.
I know I sound just like a lunatic right now but that's just how it is. Inexplicable. SUPER natural ( superseding the natural). Even that's an illusion though, because the natural and the spiritual are seamless. If something exists in one dimension, it exists in the other, maybe in a different form or expression. That helps you see that existence isn't a certain embodiment, it takes on different forms. Our existence here is just one form of existence.
but
you're prolly like
wtf is she talking about
get her out of here, put her in an insane asylum
but
I'm bettering myself
so I'm like
idk this is me and you should try to appreciate me as I appreciate the humanity in you
my thoughts run very fast and I'm not fast enough to grab them all and throw them on this screen. so. I'm gonna stop now, so this rambling journal entry may seem a little less... uhhh, who am I kidding. some of you will appreciate it, and some of you won't. God bless pirate
seriously, the last one got 33. I don't even know 33 people on Gaia.
sweatdrop
if there are people reading my journal entries... and you want to get to know me or ask me a question, don't be afraid! just wanted to get that out there.
reading eyeless in gaza right now... the message that sticks out to me is that miscommunication lies in selfishness. when you don't treat humans as humans, and instead you treat them as bugs, the whole system goes awry, and falls apart. when we become so focused on ourselves... it's hard to listen or grasp the messages that are sent our way. so many missed connections in the course of human history, so many tragedies.
but I'm being too melancholy right now, lolzz
marriage life is... different. it kind of reinforces that idea of selflessness. selfishness in a marriage is one thing that could easily destroy it. our society nurtures this independent spirit and tells us to pursue our happiness above all else. and we encroach on the happiness of others doing so! how contradictory... nah, being selfish is misery... you're lost inside yourself and you are so buried in your own thoughts and feelings that you can't reach out.
how do I know?
experience.
I've become so... people-pleasing (a form of selfishness, because you become obsessed with whether others like you or not). Constantly doubting myself in every way. My looks, my gifts, my abilities. And in my extreme efforts to please people and make them happy, I'm actually doing a disservice to them. sometimes people need an opposing force in their life, a wake up call.
I get so worried about how I look for Josh. It's silly and stupid. I fret and fret and get all dressed up and makeup done and all that and then I parade myself in front of him for comments or affirmations and when I don't get any I just fall apart on myself. "He must think I'm ugly!" when he has told me time and time again that he thinks I'm beautiful. it's really just stupid selfishness, and I need to stop. my marriage isn't about feeling beautiful... it's about unification, and behavior like that does not cause unification. I know he gets exasperated with it, hahahahaha. oh well. we deal with each other's issues, and help each other fight them.
God... He's been keeping his promises. And I'm so slow to recognize His work in my life and so quick to complain or cry. Haha. He loves me anyway though... mindblowing. I had a dream of Jesus and I standing face to face. I was speechless. He walked away and I still stood there (I think I panicked and thought He was leaving). He came back with a staff in His hand, and the end of it began glowing a warm pink-gold-glow... and He came up to me, and touched the glowing end of it to my forehead, my cheeks, and my chin.
That night I had prayed to Him for help in restoring my self-confidence....
It's just craziness. It's so crazy to have a relationship with divinity. Like... a relationship with no fear or boundaries, because He is good, and you can always rely on Him!
Most people see God as far-removed, if they even believe in Him. But... when you begin to see how much He actually wants a bond with us, it's just crazy. The little things He does to let you know He's there and He loves you. But, you can't love God until you open yourself up to His love.
I know I sound just like a lunatic right now but that's just how it is. Inexplicable. SUPER natural ( superseding the natural). Even that's an illusion though, because the natural and the spiritual are seamless. If something exists in one dimension, it exists in the other, maybe in a different form or expression. That helps you see that existence isn't a certain embodiment, it takes on different forms. Our existence here is just one form of existence.
but
you're prolly like
wtf is she talking about
get her out of here, put her in an insane asylum
but
I'm bettering myself
so I'm like
idk this is me and you should try to appreciate me as I appreciate the humanity in you
my thoughts run very fast and I'm not fast enough to grab them all and throw them on this screen. so. I'm gonna stop now, so this rambling journal entry may seem a little less... uhhh, who am I kidding. some of you will appreciate it, and some of you won't. God bless pirate
