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I fell off the map... and I hit my head pretty hard on the way down, but I'm breathing.
I put that in my status, and for the most part, it's true. For the past month or so I've been fighting depression, stress, and confusion. The common battles of this generation, it seems. I'll section my battles up so you can skip one or two, or hell, skip all of them. At the bottom of this I'll put all the good things that have been going on recently. I just need to get the bad off of my chest, y'know?

Confusion

Probably the easiest to alleviate of the three. My confusion is based off of a general misunderstanding of my emotions, what I want to do for a living, where I want to be, and who I want in my life (religion is somewhere in here too). I just have a huge "*Je ne sais pas" (*I don't know) about everything right now and I really can't handle it. I'll explain the confusion on emotions, because I feel the rest are generally understood by almost everyone, and I'll touch base with them in another post later on.

I don't know what I want. I keep thinking I love someone but... there are so many upsets and uncertainties to that emotion that I just can't know for sure. I've fought so hard to stay with them but at the same time I just... Can't fight anymore. I love them with all my heart, but where do they fit in my heart? Are they like a brother or my significant other? I can't tell anymore. Honestly, it's almost ridiculous how hard I've tried to stay with them, but I really don't know. Am I with them because I love them, or because I feel guilty? I have a weird way (maybe it's not so weird) where I can just... stop. Stop feeling, it takes a lot of work, and I usually have to do a total shut down to stop. But once the shut down starts... it can't be stopped, and once it's finished... I stop feeling. I shut my emotions off as completely as I can. Sometimes it's easy... say when it's just a crush, or they've done something so severe to me that I automatically shut down. And... while I can't remember what started the shut down, something happened to start it. It hasn't finished (I don't think), but it definitely started. I know it did. It felt like a total shut down. Everything was being forced to stop. I couldn't muster any emotions for anything for a good week or two... yet I feel as if the shut down never completed. More like it was a faulty restart. And like all faulty restarts... something's been damaged.
My ability to understand myself? No, because I could never understand in the first place.
But something was damaged. Could it have been my love for that person? Not fully shut down, but damaged? And which is worse to have? A lack of love, or damaged love?
I feel as if it's the latter. And again, I don't know if I'm with them because I, me, this mystical concept of oneself that is neither definite nor indefinite, love them? Or because I feel guilty and so forcing myself to stay and muster up whatever is left of my love for them?
There's also the fact that I have been interested in other people. And I definitely feel guilty about that. I mean, here I am, devoting myself to someone while at the same time I am thinking of another.
Maybe I'm no good for relationships? Or maybe they just aren't the one for me? I can't... I really can't or is it that maybe I just won't?

Depression

I've always been fighting with my depression, if you had a chance to read my previous posts (before I locked most of them in a fit of depressed rage) then you've read some of the previous fights I've had.
Boy drama
School drama
Family drama
Psychological drama
Just drama everywhere. It's inescapable to me, do I just attract it?
It's been getting harder to wake up in the morning, harder to find reasons to sleep.
Between the nightmares and the restless dreams I can't seem to find a peaceful medium. I can't force myself to care
I want to have good grades, I want to be on top of everything, but at the same time I just want to give the one finger salute and shove a bullet through my skull.
I want help, but I'm scared. Every time I try to talk about it, I start bawling my eyes out (even typing((keying, as my insane computer apps teacher would say)) this makes my eyes water, pathetic right?). I want to get help, but I'm scared to ask. Not to mention stubborn.
What right to I have to go get help when my family is already swamped with bills because of my sisters' medical problems? I just don't feel like I'm worth anything.
A worthless melodramatic teenager, who can't get her act together and make her mother proud of her. That's all I am, I always have that thought in my head. Circling over and over and over. I'm worthless. I'll amount to nothing. How could someone like me be anything but trouble?
I can't fight it. Last year I went to the hospital on suicide watch. I wanted to kill myself. Break my neck. Shove a pencil in my eye. I just wanted to die.
I've even been in moods where I thought about shoving a pencil into someone else's eye.
And that scares me.
What normal person thinks about that? I know there's a type of OCD (I think, I might be wrong) that causes someone to think like that.
Just contemplate suicide and death and murder and the general happenings.
But do I actually have that? Or am I just sick?
The thoughts completely repulse me, I get physically ill when I think of them
I haven't had a homicidal thought since I was on suicide watch, but still
The fact that those thoughts ever casually crossed my mind disgust me.
My confusion has caused depression.
My stress has caused depression.
I hate myself


Stress

I've yet to meet one person who has never stressed about anything in their life. And for some people, stress is just a constant attachment to their persona. Ever since I finally started caring more about others then myself (which is still hard to force, since I am selfish in nature) I've always stressed out. Whether because I was worrying about someone or something, feeling pressured by those whom's opinions I'd been raised to respect, homework, school in general, just random stress.
I've always been stressed out.
This year is my last year at the highschool, and I want to do everything I was too lazy to do the first three years.
I'm a cheerleader
I'm in the musical
Both after school activities, and for two days of each week both of them are going on. Then I have two days where it's just one. And then friday, football game.
I have little to no time, and little to no drive, for homework and it's stressing me out.
I'm in a senior seminar class where it's pass or fail.
I fail
I can't walk the graduation ceremony
That, above all, stresses me out. Because the seminar class could even prevent me from graduating.
Not to mention college. What do I want to do? Where should I go? How the hell will I pay for everything? How will I stop myself from drowning under all this pressure?
I just. Ugh





Forget about this. I have homework.






**2015 EDIT**
...
Never did get that homework done...