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I don't want it to seem like I'm obsessed with death or something. It been in my mind for the past few weeks. I'm going to be 22 in a couple of months, which is strange. It's an age I've never thought about being. When I was in high school, my oldest friend was 21. As we went on, my friends all got older, but I never thought about being beyond that age. Right now, I have friends that are 25, but that seems so far off. It seems like they're well into their lives and adulthood (even if they don't act like it sometimes).

I was reading Spike Spiegel's wikipedia page today, and there's this line: "Spike's philosophy seems to be based on the ancient samurai ideals of immediacy, such as considering oneself as dead and the idea of death as being an awakening from a dream, which are both elements of bushidō illustrated in the Hagakure."

Elaine has studied Eastern culture, so I asked her if that was right. She wasn't familiar with it, but she gave me a line about how bushido was influenced by Buddhism, the soul is a container, that life is cyclical, and that it might of carried over. I briefly looked over the bushido wikipedia page, but I didn't pursue it. It doesn't matter whether it's true or not, the line gave me a thought.

I thought about what that might do for someone. When you believe that your life is just a dream and that the afterlife is just a continuation of that life, it gives life a different quality. If I was a soldier and I had that belief, I'd be fearless. I wouldn't care about dying and I'd give it all I got. It would give me a certain quality, to move forward.

I'm not sure I'd be able to carry that quality with me now, at this point. But I imagine it would do me a lot of good. If I could get past my slight fear, it wouldn't bother me anymore. Even if it was a harmless untruth, it would make me stronger.

I think about Kurt Vonnegut and living by the foma that makes you brave, kind, healthy and happy.

It would be funny, though, wouldn't it? To hold a belief I didn't have previously, just so I could move on as a person and grow from it.

I think I'm too reasonable to adopt that kind of idea, but it was a nice thought. I think this, all of this, will help me develop something so that I can move past my concern with aging and death.