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Three updates in one day? Apparently I'm feeling pretty chatty today.
But this update is probably the most important of all three. And here's why.
Over the course of the past few months, I've come to some sort of self realization that's finally letting me move past some earlier mistakes on my part.

First thing I realized:
I've been incredibly foolish. Remember the first "Letter to the Anonymous" that I posted? That was utter bullshit. I didn't love that man (though he's so boyish I swear he doesn't deserve the title)
But I didn't love him and I didn't love any of the boys before him. The fact that he told me he liked me before I could even fully process my own feelings was what caused that entire mess of a "relationship". We should've never moved past friendship, but I can't fully regret ever doing so. I mean it helped me realize this.
Another thing, I was about 15-16 at the time this happened, what the hell do I know about love? Absolutely nothing. I'm a hormonal teenager willing to believe anything in order to obtain that fairy tale standard of life we've(as in all of us girls and a few of the boys) grown up knowing.
I'm 17 now, and I still barely understand what love really is. (Though my sweetie now is being incredibly patient with me while I figure it out, thanks love <3) Another thing about that man? Whether he ever actually cheated on me or not, he was dense. He had a friend who obviously loved him (though I viewed it more as an obsession at the time) and he would rather piss me off and hurt my feelings than hurt hers.
SO obviously, he probably should've just dated her.
I mean wth? Why claim to "love" me, and still keep your jealous, lying, rude, and unfair friend around who would do anything to have all of your attention and leave me in a corner wondering why I was even letting this happen. I mean for god sakes I was the third wheel every time we all hung out, and I was supposed to be the girlfriend? I call a*****e-ish tendencies and I am so glad I finally dodged that bullet, in the end. (It doesn't really matter~ wink Name the song + band and win my love <3 And a piece of cake)

Second Thing:
The present is shaping my future. I need to work harder (though it's really hard) to make my future what I want. I can't take a "senior" year (most seniors get to be really lazy) when I'm still a junior. (to quote my now favorite song) "Life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes" but unlike the song, I'm not okay with that. There are so many things flying around proving and disproving religion that who knows what's real anymore? One guy captured the sound of the "Big Bang" and another proved that some "godly" power helped us survive our first few years of evolution. I can't let myself continue having panic attacks about the far future when I'm keeping my eyes glued shut and practically waiting for it to come.
Carpe Diem ******** XD (Carpe Diem means Seize the Day, for those who can't remember or didn't know)
And I want to do the fullest extent of that saying, I want everyday to mean something to someone. If it's not for me, then I want it to mean something because of me.
I shouldn't let myself worry so much either. I mean I'm giving myself panic attacks because I'm such a glutton for punishment that even though I know the topic makes me uncomfortable, I still think about death on a weekly basis.

Reason Three:
I'm causing trouble for myself. Getting back into cutting after such a hissy fit last time (given by my sweetie) and then refusing to tell people what happened because I don't want to tell, even though I am blatantly showing the cuts off after they are just healed enough to not bleed everywhere(unless I pick at them) as well as complaining about them when I smack that part of my arm against something or put too much pressure on it? Instead of begging for attention and then claiming I don't want it, because I'm too fearful of the outcome, I should be trying to prevent it from happening to myself and to others I know who've done that before.
I shouldn't be causing unnecessary trouble for others when my friends clearly need someone around to listen to them and help them through their own s**t.
To sum it up - I need to stop wallowing in self pity and pride and instead shed that and help my friends
What right do I have?
Instead of telling people I won't lie to them as long as they don't question my arm, I should be straight up telling them what happened. I mean if they care enough to ask, I should care enough to answer. That's how any relationship works (whether it's friendship, dating, marriage, parents, etc.)
I did it to myself
Practically asking for attention yet feeling ashamed of what I did is silly and it won't help me move past anything.
Plus what's cutting my skin going to do anyways? It hurts like a b***h, and is a pain to hide for weeks, and only gives me the numbness I crave for a few days. Is that trade-off really worth anything? I think not. Plus, trying to numb my emotions instead of working through them? All that's ever done is gotten me in s**t. I numb off the emotions, agree to things I wouldn't normally say yes to, and then when the emotions are back I've realized what I've done to myself and cause a huge mess to happen in order to back out of what I've done.
So yes. I cut. I've cut before, I've broken promises in order to cut, and I'm not proud.
The first step to fixing a problem, is admitting you have one.
And I do.
I have a problem. I have a characteristically imbalanced state-of-mind.
I am an egotistical, depressed, selfish, self-centered, rude, pessimistic girl.
I need to fix those problems so I can stop making more.

Reason Four:
It's time to put on my "big girl panties" I'm a junior, I'm going to be a senior. I need to be thinking about what I truly want from my future, not what I expect to just happen without any help on my part.
Basically? I need to grow the hell up.
I have people I need to leave behind, and I have people I need to keep close.
I need to get them in order so I don't forget the wrong people.
I also need to fully forgive my past.
I dealt with 8 terrible years of verbal bullying from my old school, and about 13 years of verbal abuse from my mother.
The least I can do is forget the 8 years.
I got called a disease, a sickness, people said they had to burn their clothes whenever I ran into them, I was teased, I was called names, no one wanted me on their team, no one wanted to spend more than a few minutes with me, people spread rumors, they all assumed I was stupid, I became a scape goat, and it made me depressed. No one came to my rescue, and it never got better. But I'm in high-school now, all the people who truly bullied me are gone. I have no right to hold a grudge anymore.
8 years is such a small percent compared to what's left of my life. Why dwell on that percent?
I mean, should I be okay with what happened? No. Not at all. No one should be okay with anything like that happening to them.
But should I continue keeping it in my life and letting it decide how I act? Again the answer is no. Not at all.
And without that 8 percent, I wouldn't be sitting here now. Admitting my faults and trying to fix what's wrong with my life. Though, those who are unaware are generally the most blissful.
As for the 13 some years of abuse from my mother? I should be trying to stop that, she's doing the same thing to my little sisters and all I'm doing is sitting back letting history repeat itself. That's not okay, and I need to talk to someone about it.
I need to protect them in order to protect the future. For all I know, despite their special needs, the will fall in love. They will want children. And, because of what they grew up with, they may just treat their children the same way our mother treated us.
Just because I understand that how she's raising us is generally cruel and wrong, does not mean they do. And I should be the one telling them that or rather, showing them.

Number Five
I need to move on.
I need to grow up.
I need to decide what I want.
I need to stop fooling myself.
I want to be important, so I need to make myself important. I can't just assume that because I want it, means I'll get it right off the bat.
I want a future with my sweetie, this much I know. I need to stop shoving him away and finding reasons to exclude him from my life (seriously he's such a trooper for dealing with all of this bullshit)
Do I love him?
I don't know, that's another thing I need to find out.
But I need to actually put in an effort to figure any of this out.
Does he love me?
Another question to be discovered in the future, after all: Liking someone a lot can be confused for love, and sometimes feelings get covered up by the other person's (as discussed partially in realization one)
Honestly.
I need to make an effort.

Realization Six:
I was always complain that my mom yells at me for not being adult, but when I try to be one she just shoves me back into the baby pen and locks it tight.
How is complaining going to fix the situation?
I know that in her own way, she's trying to tell me she isn't ready for me to grow up. And she's also being hypocritical for acting as such.
But how am I being an adult by complaining? If it really bugs me, I need to talk to her about it (plus some other things). But that's all.
I need to talk and I need to show her that I am at least halfway ready to accept the responsibilities of an adult.
Complaining like a little kid and then rebelling is not how I should resolve the situation.

Realization Seven:
Take the first step
Fix my life
Get it in order
Carpe Diem


PS: If you made it all the way to end of this, without skipping most of it. Then sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you.











**2015 EDIT**
I only have one thing to say about this.
This is one entry that has followed me out of this journal and into my life, and when I realized all of these things about myself I started trying my hardest to move past them and fix what needed fixing.
This is when I finally started growing up, and I wish I had grown up sooner, but I'm glad I finally did.