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I haven't really written a journal entry in awhile, so I thought that I might as well do one. On what subject, however, is a mystery, even to me. I suppose I'll just type my thoughts and hope it turns into something intelligent. So I started talking to Iruna again. It's been almost two years since we stopped interacting, so it's kind of nice to see her again. Why it's nice to see her ties into my former entry, about old friendships dying. It's nice to rekindle one from my youth, if only the others would return to Gaia as well. Or at least talk to me. Even an email address would have been nice. Something, anything. Just so I could see them again. They were all older than me, most were from Corum. When I met them, I was ten or eleven. Pennsylvania is home to hicks, so I was surrounded with nothing but beer-drinking bigots and I never really found anyone to look up to. The people I met on that game, they were my role-models. Wise, fun and eager to help. I saw them all as younger brother would an older brother. I admired and respected them. Now I'm older and I want to talk to them again. See how much the years have changed us, maybe I wouldn't just be that 'kid' anymore. I could talk to them and they'd talk back equally. It would be like a dream.
Not like any of that will ever come true.
They're gone. Off living their lives, I suppose. I hope. I sometimes worry about them. My mind goes idle and gropes in the dark, hoping to grab hold of something to occupy its time. Sometimes it managed to find a doorknob. A very special doorknob that opens the door of my past. It fills my brain with memories of old friends whom simply vanished without a trace. They just disappeared, no good byes, no explanations. Nothing. They were just gone. It may sound stupid being so hurt and worried over something like that, but in Elementary, I had friends that were my age. We talked, we lived, we faced the same problems, we had the same troubles. I didn't have anyone to look up to, I had no one to act like, the future was unknown to me. I had no advice, no warnings, nothing about what the future may hold before I met them. They gave me advice, they treated me like an adult, until they found out my age, and they were my role models. To have the very thing you admire simply disappear before your eyes...It's horrible. It leaves you empty and broken.
Now look at me. I'm the older one now, around younger people. Will I simply vanish from their lives too someday? Without a trace? Just get up and go and leave them all behind? Do any of them admire me? Respect me? I don't know. I hope so. And I hope I don't just suddenly disappear from their lives forever.
I suppose I won't know until it's too late. If I must fade away, I hope I at least have the opportunity to say good bye.


-EDIT-
Haha. I just asked someone if I would be a good model. They said yes, and that they look up to me. Why am I crying. I'm so happy.