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We lost power on Tuesday, and didn't get it back till today. At first, it started out the same as the past few days. Daydreamed about Sarah, remember what happened, cry, get over it. Then I went downstairs, and my sister had this weird crank radio, and she would crank it and it'd play songs and whatnot. Well, this sappy love song came on, and I just lost control. I felt the tears swellin' up in my eyes, so I raced back upstairs for anyone could see me, and I cried again. Then I decided enough was enough. So I whipped out my entire Negima manga collection, and started reading it until I felt better. Then I had to go to the bathroom, and, you know, exercise the o'l bladder. Anyway, with no lights, we had a candle set up in there, so I sat down on the toilet, (Insert bathroom-related things here), and when I finished, I just kinda sat there and stared at the candle. The small burning light at the tip of the wick emitted a bright light that inspired me. Seeing it, I thought of life as a single flame. Relationships are candles. Candles burn out. But the fire doesn't stop. It burns and burns until the wick is completely gone, and then the flame is drown in a pool of wax. My school of thought for this, however, is different. I think, for this, life is like fire and wind. The wind pushes us, and we, as the fire, must keep burning. Fire is strong, always moving, always burning. It searches for anything to help sustain it. It doesn't stay anywhere too long. That's what I was. I stayed too long. I thought of my relationship with Sarah as a candle, but our candle has fallen over, and my flame is out searching for something new. It was a forest fire, I was a complete wreck, everything I saw seemed to bring up a deluge of emotions that pained me. Now, my fire is contained. Someday, I'll find a new candle, or maybe, Sarah and I will set up our old candle again if things work out that way. Who knows.
Well, after that, I went outside in the rain. Yes, it was one of those weird "O MIGHTY RAIN, CLEANSE ME, THY HUMBLE SERVANT." things. I stood out there in the rain, and I felt like every droplet cleaned my body, and I started to feel better and better. I felt lighter, more secure, and best of all, in control of myself, but I wasn't done. I started gettin' all metaphorical, and went upstairs to my room. Atop my manga/book case, I have a miniature zen garden, filled with sand, smooth pebbles, and an assortment of dice. I've got three-sided, four-sided, six-sided, and twenty-sided. I like to see it as my mind. The rocks are my thoughts, and the dice represent the unforeseen. I acknowledge, though I hate to, that there are things that are completely up to chance, or, as I now call it, Fate's Dice. Well, I picked everything out of my mini garden, and set it to the side. With the mini rake/comb that came with, I began to clean it. I just ran it back and forth through the sand, watching the indents snake after the the rake like tails. I did this for awhile, and, as I saw it, it was cleaning my mind, and helping me move on to be a new, refreshed me. I did feel much better afterwards. Anyway, I finished cleaning it, and I put everything back in, but with a different order, to show change and whatnot. After that, I read more Negima, and, despite all my best efforts, my mind wandered and I found myself thinking about Sarah. I didn't cry this time. I can't say that I moved on from her, that'll take a long time, but I've strengthened myself, and I feel like I really can do it. In both senses. As in, I feel like I can move on, and, at the same time, I feel like, if we were to give the relationship another try, I could fix things. Well, who knows. Anyway, that's what went on Tuesday. Now, Tuesday night...That's a whole different story that I'll tell you later. It makes me look weird.