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I feel a lot better when I eat more sugar.

I smell good and it is easier to keep warm. I find myself more cheerful and less mood-rollercoastery.

I know what I said.

I know what I planned,
and I still mean it.
I still mean it.
I'm just taking a detour.

I get so lonely.

so.

very, very lonely.

They don't come home.
They say they will or they say they'll go out with me.
I'm the dog that watches the house.
I sit here with my tail wagging.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I realize that they won't be coming home.
I run around and play, thinking I'll have a little free fun
since no one else is around to judge.
I'll sniff my butt and give myself three baths.

Just for the hell of it.

But when the lights are all out and I'm still
trotting around the ******** apartment

alone.

My tail sinks,
slowly.
It stops wagging.
I'm

alone.

There's no comfort to be found online these days.
It feels like everyone is away or bored,
just waiting for me to entertain them with something.
I can't always be entertaining and fun.
I couldn't handle that in high school
and I certainly still can't handle that now.

I realized,
even though I b***h and complain about not knowing other people
and always, always,
telling more about myself... that's not true.
It's not.
Typically, people tell me a lot about themselves.
I either forget it or think it is something small talkish.
They don't usually do big elaborate stories,
but they do tell me about themselves.
They do let down their walls.
And the more I think about it,
the more i think... do I just give away info as a protective wall?
Do I think by some magical force it will always scare them away?
Or maybe if they learn about me they will learn I'm not interesting.
Maybe they will cater to my every whim,
fall under my spell and desperately try to win my love.

No Jen.
No,
it doesn't work like that.

But, this is all just my way of thinking.
Its just me being... hypocritical of myself XDDD
over analyzing since,
I obsess over the past and I'm really really insecure XDDD

but,
you didn't hear it from me