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The handwriting today was almost back to the neat caligraphy she normally wrote with. It seemed to be written slowly, like she was debating on what to write.

I'm glad that Lily-chan isn't pissed anymore. I still feel like an idiot for invading her privacy... I just wanted to try to help her... Damn, I am an idiot... I fell asleep doing my paperwork... Oh dear Kami was that a bad idea...

Another nightmare... This time it started off with me trying to save Gin-kun's life... I failed... It was like reliving the war again... But this time I was the culprit behind the war... NO! I don't want to kill my loved ones! My papa said that I was the reason they were all dying... I looked at my sword, blood... The blood of those who I love and care about... Then I looked at the battlefield... Lily-chan... Papa... Gin-kun... Ririn-chan... Ukitake-taicho... Everyone I loved, dying because of me... It was terrible...

"You couldn't control yourself!" Lily-chan screamed in my dream... I fell to my knees sobbing.

They all yelled at me that it was my fault, that I did this to them... That I murdered them... Naze ka? I couldn't keep control... I'm weak... That's when I woke up. I was no longer at my desk but in the infirmiry at home... Ukitake-taicho brought me there... I left quickly, not even caring to fix myself. I found Lily-chan and she said she wasn't mad anymore... I still felt terrible... Miserable is more like it. I was an idiot. I showed her my half destroyed barracks... I did that... She met Kira-kun, my lieutenant. I just realized how hard it was on him when I'm not there... He doesn't want to lose another captain... I don't like that my lieutenant is scared of losing me. I'll make sure I'll come back. I don't want to abandon any of my friends or family. Watashi o aishite.

I VOW TO PROTECT THEM WITH ALL OF MY STRENGTH!

~山本つき