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So my tragic little story might end up repeating itself, those of you new to my
journal won't be able to read the first part of this story, because it's to personal for
me to allow strangers to read.
So anyways, the guy I liked(not the one from school, he's history; a bump in my
path) well I decided that I wanted to try, I mean who knows what'll happen? There's
a very well chance I might become sane and realize the insanity of it all.
But then again, I am the one who wants to dive head-long into the abyss of insanity.
And I can't complain that I don't connect with him on a higher level. I, for lack of
better description, am someone who wants to fly; far away from everything.
And just to sound sappy, maybe I was flying to him.
Not really, I don't know where I'm flying, all I know is he's keeping me from flying to
high.
He's my tether, but he's not choking his hold on me.
Which I am glad for, he doesn't patronize me, nor do I like him the way I like a
friend.
He does happen to actually be one of my best friends as it turns out, but it feels
like there's more to it. More to the friend thing between us.
And like I said, until I step away from the abyss of insanity, I'm going to try.
Though I doubt I'll ever step away from that abyss, it's full of comforting darkness,
and I suppose he's what's keeping me from falling in and losing it.
I suppose you now think I'm depressed, well it's possible. I've had my fights with it
before, and I almost had another fight with it, might still. I suppose it depends on
how my darling mother acts as I try to drag myself away from it.
I seem to be rambling, so sorry, let's see I was heading to how love is a damned
reckless thing that doesn't much care for the boundries that have been set.
And I suppose you could say I love him, though I can't figure out if it's the right
kind, the kind that he feels.
Though for all I know he's using me, toying with my childish emotions and having a
jolly good time with it too.
And yet I don't give a damn, he is not only my tether and best friend, he's also
someone I know I can trust, someone I can hide behind. Call me foolsih for trusting
a strange boy, but hey I'm strange, either I go for the silly ones or the ones that are
far too good for me. Maybe he's both, who knows? Either way apparently he loves
me, and I don't want to shove him away without a second glance.
Plus considering my past, there isn't much left to be broken, mostly just dust and
a few shattered remains.
Another friend of mine was supposed to be finding them, maybe I'll ask how it's
going, maybe he can rangle up more of my 'heart'
Though who would want a whole one, when it can be so more easily broken then
one that already has scars
Oh dear, I really am rambling, and being quite a bit negative too, perhaps I'll move
back to the lighter things.
Lets see.....
Hmm... I can only think of him, oh my how troubling. Maybe Bel was right, I did
ask of course
How she knew she loved this one guy, see they have an online thing as well, and
her being so much farther than I; I asked her to help me out a little.
I asked her for instance how she knew she loved him, and she told me she was
happy to talk to him, she was sad when he was sad little things like that
Then I asked how she knew he loved her, she claimed she was still asking that
one herself, but I suppose I could ask him straight up, you know the same
questions, though of course this'll be the only place where I tell even the slightest
detail of their answers.
Hmm my mind is wandering, perhaps it's because in my time, it's very late.
And seeing as I have no one to talk to, because my ... huh I should find out what to call him right? well anyways he's gone off to bed, and he's four hours behind me.
So I'm up pretty late if he's off to bed and I'm four hours ahead and still awake.
Goodnight then, I don't know why I dawdled in leaving Gaia for a few hours, I
suppose I wanted to get this out; before the details became too mushy.
More later today I suppose, maybe





**2015 EDIT**
Yeah.
Okay forget slapping, first I need to hug my past self and then hit her with a bat.
I will explain myself a little.The reason I am so violent about my past self is because I acted like a child back then.
I acted like I knew everything, and that I would have the world at my fingers and that I had one of the absolute worse situations ever.
Yes I've had an upsetting life, but oh hell I was self-centered back then and I just regret that part of my life.
I don't regret what I went through, I just regret how I handled things.
Running to a journal to complain and whine instead of facing my problems and getting over them.