When I was younger, when I was a different person, sexting and sex were all just fun but now I know that it's pulling at someone else's heart. It's painful. I don't know if I can have that carefree kind of view anymore... I imagine a man's face right when he thinks he's going to get with you and... I'm so disgusted. I have almost been with three guys, the first in high school was Matt. This last summer was the second, Josh, and sometime this semester, there was Lamar or something rather.
At the beach I knew I wasn't going to go far, even though I did take off my top and kiss the guy. Denise's boyfriend I just found attractive and wanted to warm up. I had no intentions to take it farther, though the intoxication of the moon might have swayed me. I never made it with Teej, not even close. I didn't want her that way, I don't think.
Matt was the first guy to make that face. There were so many things I did then. So many things I just feel disturbed remembering. I mean, I left dirty voicemails for him and he did the same back. EW. We fooled around at his house and even at Teej's. I can't believe the stupid things I said as a teenager. Gross. Gross Gross. I can't belive the things I wanted to do... bleck.
With Josh, I don't really regret how sexual it got. I wish it had gone further. He had an amazing affect on me. Sure, he was.. relationship material... but he was ******** sexy to me. Ah summer romances. Oh well.
I used to think I was hot s**t and not worry about how I flaunted it. Now I do worry more... I wonder if I would be considered a prude XDDDD I mean, I still like wearing showy things but not mini skirts or the like anymore. I still think disgusting thoughts but... I don't act upon them. Sometimes I think getting a good ******** would just set me straight.
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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
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