Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

In the focused desire to find myself, I think I became mightily self-absorbed. I'm so self-aware that awareness of others is tertiary at best.
Maybe I was focusing on the wrong people? I fear I alienated people by not being around. I think that's my biggest mistake in life: alienating people SO that they abandon me.
I am making decisions, rather large decisions. Decisions I hope I can look down upon as a bigger person rather than stare up at its daunting stupidity.
I think I'm too intense. I've always loved intensity in people. I'm tightly coiled on the inside and not in that productively passionate way but in that way that paralyzes you completely. I can't imagine how I would feel about myself if I tried to intoxicate myself.
Happiness is hard for me. I wallow instinctively.
I stopped entertaining the notion of God to my mother because I didn't feel right about it - too many doubts with so little options. That just sounds like a metaphor for my being entirely. Not faithless, but aimless. My few opportunities assault my imagination from above and with each impact, my mind goes deeper and deeper into hopelessness. I don't think I want to change.
I don't like where I am, but I'm not moving legs elsewhere.
What's wrong with me?


This life is what I make of it.
Step one: Paradigm Shift
1. How do I feel about people?
Everyone's an individual.
2. How do I want people to feel about me?
Positive connotations
3. How do I feel about myself and how does that differ from how I want to feel?
There's a lot of distrust where there should be confidence.

Things I have to be sad about:
1. Marc
I have a finger in how he became the way he is but I didn't make him the traitor he is. If anything, I learned acquiescing to what feels wrong is completely wrong.
2. Crushed dreams
I never had any, but I believed in my potential and that my time to hone it, along with myself, was to be found in an elite place. Never happened. Never will. Will I have to settle? Not exactly. Whatever I'm looking for can be sought elsewhere; I'm just so stubborn and sad about it.
3. No close familial ties
THIS will bite me harder in the future. All I have are distant cousins and my mother and brother.
4. Status
It's a process and the last one finished. The only thing I can do is undergo it with more awareness.
5. The Chase
Love him, but I hate the way I feel without him; which makes me hate myself for becoming dependent on him. I can't depend on him for love - not the sort I have to give and want in return.