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I never intended to hurt anybody. We all never intend to hurt somebody unless you are like..a crazy psycho like some people have been calling me -cough- or unless someone did something to upset you. Well lets face it here, I've hurt alot of people in my short life. I've lost alot of people aswell, including the best thing that has ever happened to me. Why did I lose it? Because I was scared. Falling in love was something I never planned, I'm independent, I never intended to fall in love nor did I want to. I have no problem being alone, it doesn't bother me. But I met him, he seemed like every other guy. We got close, friend close. But it turned into something more. I found myself wanting to talk to him every waking moment of my life, I dreamt of him, I couldn't get enough. He had me hooked. I shared my life secrets with this boy, and he shared most of his with me.We weren't dating, but we were content with friendship. I fell deeper in love every day, one word from him could have me on the floor crying with agony, or laughing and smiling like no tomorrow. This my friends, scared the living s**t out of me. Me, Bailey, the independent one, the fierce one, the one who needs nobody, depending on one person so much? I would do anything for him, but I have to look out for number one, I'm scared of being hurt, being controlled. We started dating, things were content and quiet, happy. My life has been rough. I have many health problems and my family is pretty much falling apart. I've lost 5 family member in one year. My mom is bi-polar and mentally unstable. She verbally and mentally abuses my little sister, Briley, and I. My father is a drug addict, he is abusive, he doesn't want anything to do with us. My stepfather and mother fight. Alot. We have had to call the cops several times to SEDATE my own mother. I fear for my little sister, I love her to death but she doesn't need to be seeing this. Anyways..I've had chronic depression several years now. With the recent death of my greatgrandmother and uncles I've just been going further and further down. Me and "him", my ex lover, the one I love more than life, started fighting, on purpose. I planned it. I admit it, I did. I wanted to make him hate me, so he would go away, save himself from my depression. I didn't want him to get hurt. I don't want him to worry. It was for his own good, and mine, I was scared of love. I pushed him away and now I lost him. When I hurt him like that, I became more depressed, and self hating, What kind of person does that to the one they care about most? I was selfish in a way, but also I was not. I was trying to save him and myself. I hope he understands what I did and why I did it. Just recently I tried suicide, I know that hurt him. See he hurt me. We said some mean things. Difference is I didn't mean anything I said...he did. Thats what hurt. But he didn't know I did not mean them. I'm a good actor. I hid it from him. I just sucked it up and went on. I don't know what I'ma do now. I can't be his friend, it hurts, seeing him so happy without me. I ******** love him, too bad he doesn't love me back. It's all my fault but it was for the greater good, I'd rather him be happy than me be happy. I love him and that will never change, I'd do anything for him on any day. I hope he knows that. But I can't be his friend, not after what I heard on the phone last night...that hurt. I lost a part of my heart that I can never get back.
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