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Yes. I went on a date yesterday. Yes, it was fun and awesome. But all of that has faded, along with some happy news, and now I just feel empty.
My happy-high died the moment I walked into my house. Alright, maybe not that soon. It started when I tried to practice my piano lesson. My fingers decided to go on strike and my brain already hurt, making it impossible to do anything. Confession time: I have a crush on a guy who's a Piano Maestro. I saw him practicing scales during my choir class. It sounded like his fingers were going to break, but here's the best part: he wasn't looking at the keys and was playing every note perfectly. First it just bugged me, but now that I think about it I'm getting depressed. Why? a) I'm invisible, he'll never notice me. b) There is no way I'll ever be that good. c) Every one I know is either in a relationship or doesn't really care.
I'm socially retarded, meaning I can barely talk to other girls, much less guys, that I don't know. This makes any hope of self-inflicted dating nil. I'm also, probably, too boyish for my own good. My favorite jacket is a guy's jacket, which is green not blue, and I thoroughly enjoy video games. What guy on earth wants to even know a girl like that, much less date her. It doesn't help that just about every couple in my school has a serious P.D.A problem. It hurts, seeing everyone else so happy and, knowing that I'll never know it. Yes, it. I'm not going to actually say it, just 'it'. Ha ha. Don't even dump that, "The future will be better" crap on me. I'm not going to change. My elementary school friends did, though. Now they're all boy-magnets, beautiful ignore-that-one-girl-I-can't-remember-the-name-of girls that I would switch places with in a heart beat. I, however, am still the same. Geeky, shy, weird girl that most people refuse to be associated with. There are exceptions, I do have some friends, but that's just because they're awesome, crazy, or a combination of the two.
I'm trying to listen to un-depressing music, but I just let Jar of Hearts and Miss Invisible play. It's almost like I want to stay depressed. I'm also sitting here without a jacket, my favorite is in the wash, because the cold suits my mood. Just like my throbbing head. It's not a headache, and I'm trying not to strengthen my pain-pill tolerance, so I'm just going to live with it. I was trying to write, but doing a guy's perspective is impossible, seeing as I've never really had one talk about his dreams to me. I feel a bit better now, this catharsis is helping. But it still hurts. Maybe someday, chances being one in a million, some guy will come along and actually care about me. Until them, I'm stuck like this.
 Gradine13 · Fri Feb 18, 2011 @ 11:53pm · 0 Comments |
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