so many people who knows me, thinks my life is perfect and I am lucky to have so many people to love me, what they don’t know is the pain and truth behind all these feelings of so called “love” what hurts me is not loneliness or pain or the selfishness people did on me, it’s the feeling and pain I when threw as a child.. How I was frame for a lot of mistakes that wasn’t supposed to be my fault.
There are so many young people now a day’s who thinks their mother and father don’t love them and don’t understand them because they are busy and those who have a mother and father just doesn’t understand the hard ship and suffering them they are going through work, but then again there are some points where we can never understand their thinking because we’re young or what they are going through, because they want their child or their twins or families to live in a better place or in a more relaxing life in the future.
for me, I was raised in a twisted world of hate and anger were pain and misunderstanding was brought on me for the way I was born and that I was the one who killed my own father, because I was the one who caused all these pain and sadness… but have anyone questioned about the things they said towards me, I mean just once on who I am… am I the one who really caused all these sadness, living with my grandfather and grandmother was never a happy thing, they where lazy stupid and always augmenting towards each other over problems I was blamed for.
Ever since I was a child I escaped these pain by going to the library, I thought reading books and going to the chocolate store was the best way to escape the pain, what I didn’t understand was my emotion was free and I was so glade to escape from all these problems just once.
Every time there fight or a argument at home, I was the one who was drag into these problem trying my best to stop them from fighting, I got scared and called for my mom for help, I was beaten for all this…
Till now I fear nothing or do I fear the fact that I will die at a young age, what I want people to know is that you have a family who cares about you.
I am not the person who won’t understand the loneliness or the mistake that you did on people you love or they did on you… even till now I can’t forgive myself for hurting Jason who was so important to me back them, but he had to stab me with words that really hope… even till now I feel regretful and very much in tears about it every time I think about it.
Having eating disorders and emotional problems is a big handful for a teenager or young adults who keeps augmenting with their own family, for me I am one of those unlucky youth who had to go through this, even to now I think it was my fault my father isn’t there to support my family.
Whatever my brother did wrong, I was the one who was blamed for even if I was sitting just in the living room doing nothing, but staring at the computer the smallest problem was my fault.
I understand benign the oldest in the family is the easily to blame, but have you ever thought about the problems I am going through and what is the point of my writing a song lyrics every now and then to express these anger and hate, I don’t like hurting people, I don’t like seeing people cry… all I ever wanted was to be loved and understood for what I wanted to see was to see happiness…
If Jason was here right now, I think I would be able to express myself more towards who I am and who I want to be.
If he didn’t say that he didn’t like me and rejected my emotions, I wouldn’t have misunderstood the reason behind it, and at the same time if you didn’t bully me in the first place because I was different I am sure things would be different for those who know who I am.
I know people would say this girl is nothing more but trouble, but have you ever though that your own child would have gone through the same thinking as me, have you ever though they would end their life because of misunderstanding and pain from those who didn’t know them.
You can’t judge for who they can’t become.
It’s not fair for a mother or a father to say these words that their children are stupid…because they are different from other people.
I have a eating disorder because of my grandfather and mother, who keeps saying I’m eating a lot, my weight and sugar level might seem healthy to who gives me a body check, but in truth I’m not that healthy at all, I keep fighting and rejecting food for good reasons as well, personally I get into fights and arguments with my grandfather every now and them, and my brother would watch me fight for the things I never did wrong, and no matter what happens I want my brother to know that if I was the one who did these mistakes why do I keep sitting in the living room all the time, why do I bother not drinking so much water and eating so much food to stay alive… What’s the point for me to lose all these hopes when I keep trying to have fate in you?
I wrote this out is not because I want to become popular, it’s because it’s my point of view in life, and this is who I am… to the youth who is going through all this, the world isn’t the end, you can keep on living… as long as you have hope and fate to change or escape the pain your going through.
I did many stupid things to escape from the pain, like cutting myself and hurting myself to the point I can’t heal… even if I’m hurt or injured I never tell my mom or family members why… their so called love is what I mostly will call hate.
To hate is to love sometime, to those who thinks this is the correct answer, but in fact it’s wrong it’s not the end of the world at all.
Until I can find Robert and Jason once more, my search for my forgiveness isn’t over instead this is the beginning of a search to the people who is reading this, your life is just the start and whatever happens, my identity is still a secret.
For the reason why I wrote this is because this might be the last time I stay in this world or it might just be a new start for another journey in another place and time.
Have a guess on the meaning of this song lyrics, somehow you will find a hint of how my life is… but to those who doesn’t understand… its mostly a journey that goes from good to bad.
Red World - Red Wound
In this red world.
Everything is torn a part.
All my fragments has been scattered
All I have gathered is the remains
Futile tears that only over flows
Since when did you left me?
Where your no longer here no more...
My existence means nothing no more
A voice in my head is crying and screaming.
Its beening calling out to me, but how many times?
Please take me away from here...
A place where we will belong too.
They never allowed me to meet anyone
Unforgiveable that they will fade away completely
Eternity can never last forever.
Slowly wishes are vanished in a crue way
I will be punished as it was a gift from you.
unaffected consequence begins
Holding hands with you in the past.
The feeling still remained.
Imprisoned by the guiltyness in me.
A sin that is never fair
Breaking free from them is no possblie.
The gate of times opens and that moment has come
How it made start for fate.
Escaping things could never be
Obey the messnger and the rules of this game
For years to come its forbidden
Unlocking now...
A clear blue world
Please take me away from here...
A place where we will belong too.
I need nothing else no more so...
Please take me to a blue freedom country.
Opening the door your will heart will understand
Once losing destiny in these hands
I will take this freedom into my own hands into the future
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Kaiou Michiru Sad Story
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