I am now in a very weird place where I will be leaving and feel it is pointless to develop new relationships as much as I want to... I don't want to lose a new friend when that time comes for me to take off but I have no problem leaving the ones I currently have... is that sad? maybe this is all just part of growing up, everyone has to go through this weird stage of uselessness in order to become something useful. UGH!! IDK.... boredom leads to thoughts, and thoughts lead to doubts as well as over thinking... I do that a lot, I like it when my life is busy and my thoughts are few, things are more simple when you don't think and I like simple. It's when you think that things get messed up because while you're on the go you don't realize how pathetic things have become and you feel like your doing something when in actuality you've been working at a book store for three years, you single, and beating it like it owes you money because you don't want to have that connection because it will ultimately end... never good. I miss the emptiness that is usually my head. My sister met a guy already and they are hitting it off pretty good, he's a chef which is kinda neat considering that's what I wanna be when I grow up, part of me is envious of her for allowing her self to connect when I keep pushing it away oh well I am really the only one to blame for that... but still. Maybe there is something wired wrong in my head that is making me think this way, maybe I have daddy issues or family issues or just plain issues.
I worry sometimes where my head runs off to, I read biographies about these serial killers and it sometimes goes into the psychological aspects of these people and I can't help but relate with a lot of them... maybe that'll be my mark on the world... Canadian Kills billions... I hope not sad ... does that make them more normal or me less normal? Again.... Thinking is bad bad bad.... I would love to go to a university and have a psyche class study my mind.... going to pee be right back.... I was going to say hi to mom & dad, they're sleeping.... not together but on separate couches... it makes me wonder if there is any chance for a relationship to actually work, if you look at the statistics the chances are low, so what is the point of finding the one? Why can we not just go through life meeting random people sending X amount of time, be it weeks or hours and them move on after enriching or annoying one another's life.... I wish it was the 1970's.... wow, that was a digression and a half guess that's what happens when you write what comes to your mind.... After that I turned the light on and said "hi" to my niece... she replied "I'm hungry" love my family.
I do apologize for my rant.... and the mild insanity
Thanks... Love... comment?
B.
