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I looked back at an older journal entry.

I have been able to do many of the things that I wrote about, and it hasn't made me feel great or powerful.
But I partially feel needed, and helpful, at times. At leat concerning homework, but I am afrid that I may sound cocky at times.

But I no longer think I will be able to do everything I wished.
One friend. One thing to hold on to, to understand, to trust.

But somehow I have managed to mess that up as well.
Straight A's never felt so superfulious.
Or wasted.

I have let her fall away, either by playing it to clingy or to detached, to unsuportive, to honest. To much listening, not enough input. Taking to many risks, or possibly to many. Saying too much, not saying the right thing. To repetitive, to quite; to much demanded, not enough asked.

I never lie to her.

She knows me better then anybody. And that is why I am writing this here, in hopes she will find it and I wont have to say these things to her face.

It's terrible. I am a coward. But I'm not sorry.

I just want a friend BADLY, I am trying to be right so HARD, ignoring all emtions but the gut feelings that are supposed to be correct.

I just cant do it anymore. Its throwing me off.
I want to be ME around somebody, play MYSELF for a change, not over thinking, not regretting everything I say. I want to talk to someone who wont judge me for what I wear or say or believe.

I want to talk to someone who KNOWS that I am not crazy.
I dont want someone questioning/. I dont want someone who 'believes in me"

I just want somebody to understand.
and I dont know if thats going to work anymore. All because I couldnt stand one guy, cant ignore the fact that I hate him, that something is wrong, something I cannot put into words.

All I had to do was lie.
But I couldn't.
Not to you.

So I fail. Fall away.
I dont know if it can be the same.

The world just keeps changing, and I want to live in the moment, but not so much that I forget about tommrow.
Keep promises, but live dangerously.
Satisfy all curiousity.

So where do friends fit in?
Where are all the people?
This doesn't seem like such a complacated concept.

So why can't I get it right?