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I understand not this childlike fascination with Santa Clause that many people seem to hold even through adulthood. Yes, a fat man in a sweat soaked red suit squeezing his skin folds through the crevices in your home to leave things in return for a few cookies, a glass of milk, and the promise to be good. With his moldy cookie and fermented milk breath, he intrudes into your home and violates the santuiary that is your safehold. What else does he do while he is within your house?

Surely he must have intentions of looking around. Think about the children, think about yourselves. What does Santa do to your while you are sleeping? What does he due when he knows that you're awake?

Think about all of the small things that you misplace after Christmas. Remotes, cell phines, check books, credit cars, etc. You believe that they were just jostled from their usual location due to the excitement of the holiday and all of the unpacking of decorations.

I don't agree.

I think that Santa's sack of presents, which is allegedly empty at the end of the day, is actually filled with small yet valuable items that he steals from the households of children to fund his cookie and milk diet and to sell to buy the toys instead of having his so called elves to do it for him. The elves are just extorted midgets that chains to work tables, and leaves with nothing to do while he ravashis his cherry-cheeked wife.

So next time you are absorbed into the excitement of Christmas, lock your doors, turn off your lights, and pray that Santa Claus does not come.

~Next rant: The Tooth Fairy.