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My journal is now semi-fixed. I will do more to it later.

I'm hungry. I'm going to eat some rice leftover from last nights dinner; I made it and it turned out pretty good even though I forgot I was cooking it.

I noticed something about my posts. The less emoticons I use, the more emotionless I am.

Cube was on yesterday as well as Cube 2. I like those movies very much. I wanted to say alot but my lit teacher doesn't like the word and she's really nice and really cool so I won't use it.

My moms boyfriend bought him and her a new cell phone. They're flip phones, state of the art, camera-AIM-voice dailing and all those other good features. They're both happy, and it makes me wish I had money to get those sorts of things.

Since my dad died, my mom gets a total of $800 and somethin dollars from the state because he used to be a stareworker. I never see a dime of it. Since he died, years ago, I haven't seen a dollar put in my pocket and the words, "Hey, your life is hard too; you lost the only man in your life that would look out for you no matter what. Here's some cash, go make yourself feel better." I know that doesn't sound to comforting, but anywords said which equal money are good enough for me.

I can't wait to move out.

I can't wait to be on my own. I think I should move out of Ohio to gain the real spirit of independance, but I wouldn't know where to go. The world is such a big place, and I don't like the thought of living by myself somewhere with no one to help me when I am down or hold me when I cry.

But I live like that now~I have no one, so its nothing new in the longrun.

I'll just keep deluding my mind though with thoughts that everything will be okay. I can only tell myself that so long before I get the hint it won't be. sad I'm not stupid, my happy fantasy will slowly die away just as my will to live. I'm not talking about suicide or anything, I'm just so sick of suffering...

A suffering with no ending. My life is nothing but a slow and painful death. Something people enjoy watching, they enjoy toying with me and bringing my wit on end...

There's no school till Monday. I should be happy, but I am not.

I feel like I am a joke to everyone. I feel like everyone is using me for their own purpouses...I really wish I knew someone who was not. I wish there was someone who just wanted to be around me...

I thrive to much off a person I know...its like its my only happiness...I put to much emotion into this. I'm such a idiot about this but I can't seem to help myself. I feel so weak and helpless...and all I want to do now is cry. I mean yea, I'm wiping away tears as I type but...I don't know. Yes, I do feel like this is all in vain...I feel like I'm being stupid. No, I know I am. I'm being such a ******** idiot and the world must be laughing at me now for feeling so strongly about him. I wish I didn't, I really do...but like I said, I can't help it. I tried so hard...I kept tellin myself this was stupid and I needed to get a life. But I really do love him, and I mean it so much. If he were around me now I would do anything to win him over, not friendship but more like serious relationship and I'm such a damn loser for feeling like this. This is why I am being stupid, this is why I am a bad person and no one can say anything to change my mind. I shouldnt feel like this but I know I am inlove and this is so horrible. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be like this. I hate myself so much... cry

...

So many things are going on now. I can't control any of them. I'm so weak and I feel so helpless...I see it so clearly now.

My life really is nothing but a slow and painful death. I just don't know if outside forces are doing this to me, or if I'm doing this to myself...