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So it appears I DO have internet access in Tampa, I just can't use it much since my dad "still has to work". So... Journal entry.

7.5 hours to think about things in the car ride over here... Woo. Not nearly as bad as the 12 hour ride to Tulsa or the 9.5 plane trip to Hawaii.

I was listening to old rock from Miami Vice OST, A Knight's Tale OST, the Eagles, and Atomic Fireballs, as well as ZZ Top. And through that constant drumbeating into my eardrums.. It hit me.

Funny how that works out. 0_o

Anyway. I started posting in TGG again for no sensible reason. I just went in one day 'cause I was bored and started dishing out stuff.

What I found, though, was that Jovo had come back. Jovo is this really really smart guy who admins jovonexus.net and lived in New Orleans before the hurricane. Before it, he went to Tulsa with Crafty and later attended Tulane University and got his own apartment soonafter enrolling.
He's an old gaia member; has a halo and all. Has to be one of the, if not the smartest, most polite person I've ever met.

About a month before the hurricane, I met him in New Orleans and we had fun. I mean, he seemed to be belittling me the whole time, and I was getting really annoyed, but overall it was still a good time and I found things out about myself and him and all was well.

Right after that, though, I decided to look at his website. I figured if he was such a cool guy on Gaia, TGG, and an okay guy in person, I should give his website, which I'd been neglecting, the time of day too.

Well, he's multiple accounts there kind of like NPCs, and considering a few conversations we had over the phone before about his mental... Views... I took it the wrong way, and found it my responsibility to tell the world how crappily Jovo treated me while I was with him, and how screwed up in the head he was.

I mentioned "Stabbing jovo in the back" a few entries back - this was what I was alluding to.

After that whole fiasco, which was only one post in the TGG's rant thread, I was looked down upon, the post was deleted(not by Jovo), I was permabanned from Jovonexus, and ip banned, I was blocked from Jovo's guild, AIM, and MSN(he didn't get on that much, anyway) and possibly his PMs, but I don't think I tried to PM him, so I dunno.

He then decided to talk through Crafty, and told her to tell me that he did not like what I had done and that to consider the threat as an official Cease and Desist.

Considering my mood at the time, and knowing full well that Jovo was intelligent enough to figure out that what I had written could not be called libel, and could not under any circumstances be limited under a C&D. I laughed at him, called him stupid, etc.. But to Crafty. Not Jovo himself, since all ties had been severed with him.

Plenty of times I debated calling him to tell him how stupid he was and to not insult my intelligence like that, since I did still have his phone number. I think I DID call him at one point after the matter, but chickened out after I got his answering machine. Long story short, It's a god thing I didn't, since that would've dragged the thing further than it needed to go, and we both just kind of let it drop.

Needless to say I think he still hates me, and finding him back in TGG, after reportedly quitting Gaia and blocking it from his computer, made me do a doubletake.
After I posted my one post about Bareback mountain, I wondered if I should even be there at all. I figured I should just leave and quit the guild(for a third or fourth time XP). But instead I decided to post some more, and then leave..

But of course now I'm back into the rhthym and kind of want to stay.

Looking back on everything, I had a lot of problems with Jovo and TGG because my anger and jealousy would get out of control. You'd think a gay guild would be a good community to be safe inside, but I guess it was just different for me.

I mean, most of the time it was great, but sometimes some random thing would strike a nerve and I'd either lash out at everyone or ask to be banned(when the quit option wasn't around) so I wouldn't lash out at people.
Of course, half the time I was too lazy to ask to be banned or too mad, or there wasn't a mod around, so I just lashed out at people. Handy "Rant thread" material. You can see why it was smart that people just stopped reading my posts.

Anyway, in one of my calmer moods, before the whole jovo stabby thing, I asked if he'd tutor me in math. At the time the whole "I'm getting stupider" thing was still a frsh on the mind, crying every night about it deal, and I figured.. If Jovo's really that smart, and I want to do something about how I suck at math, he could teach me.

And he did. Jovo's got, I think, three majors going at the time and working nightshift. Tha's a hell of a lot of work, and still, he made the time to teach me math. And they weren't just "visit this site and do this" stuff, either.
He was explaining multplication in a way I had never seen it explained before, through paragraphs and code tags for equations... It was like...

I sat staring at the stuff and re-reading it over and over again for at least an hour every message, trying to understand just what exactly he wrote, what it meant, why, and how I could learn from it.

Let me explain to you why this is much more important than what it seems right now.

Ever since I can remember, I've always sucked at math. Not only sucked royaly at math, but also gotten depressed, angry, and even suicidal in math. The first time I cut myself was because of math. The second time I did it I was in math class. I escalated from the topside of my wrist and a paperclip to a very sharpened pencil and the tendons in my hand. I did it two times, the pencil stabbing, in my last semester of math, near the end of the year. I got detention for being a class disturbance. rolleyes

The more time I spend on math in a school setting, the more bloody and violent my self-injury attempts get. So not only do I hate math because I suck at it, I fear math because I put my health at risk.

This is coming from someone who has gone through all of highschool, graduated early, and is now about to go to college... And still can't read a clock. That's how bad it is.

With Jovo it was never like that. Jovo made me want to learn even more than I wanted to learn from him, and he made me want to continue learning. So when I visited him in New Orleans, which was, if I remember correctly, only a week or so after he started teaching me math, when he began to subliminly insult me, it hurt 50x more every time, because he was teaching me math. And I respected him, in a weird.. Jealous.. Way.

So what I guess I'm saying is... I hope Jovo and I can... tolerate eachother in TGG, and I'm trying to get my guts up enough to get him over AIM, so maybe he can start teaching me math again. Because.. This whole not being able to read a clock thing... Is frustrating.

Just when you believe there's too many digital clocks around, a nice fancy oldtimer asks you what time it is near the huge freaking clock tower, and you have to sit there for ten minutes counting by fives outloud just to figure out what goddamn time it REALLY is.

I think that's a rather long-winded apology of somesort, but I'm not sure anymore.

If Jovo reads this.. Is your phone number still the same? Because I saved it, and I have it, and if it is.. I'd like to apologise in person... Vocally, at least. I can't go to Tulsa at the moment. XP