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I try to lead a light on everytime I leave you. I try to make things right by how far we are apart. And somehow I think I affect myself more than you. I only wish you wouldn't feel so alone. After all, we are all wanting to be there for you and help. -sigh-

I recognize the various reasons why October is so hard for me. And I think it is my own fault too that I make them so bad. I tell myself to be careful before the month starts and then while the month is here I try to convince myself that what I did was "right." There is no right and wrong though. I mean there is but there isn't. I'm really mad at the counselor about this too. I told her about A... him... and she gave me a number for suicidal people. b***h PLEASE! I am NOT suicidal. NOT EVEN CLOSE! I love living. I also feel like though that I am not in time. That I am displaced. Time has not stopped for me but I don't exist wholly in the "now." This whole thing goes into the stupid reasoning that I have made up that I am from the future or a time traveller. Ugh, what Jen makes up in her mind... SPEICAL comes to mind. DX ANYWAY, What I meant to get across was that jsut because there was a negative effect the first times DOES NOT mean there will always be a negative affect. People that think like that are hopeless DX and I am very hopeful!

The other thing you must realize is that I don't think back like there where you regret what you did or what happened. I believe that things happened for a reason and I'm glad for where I am now so there is no good or bad. It isn't good because things still suck and a LOT of s**t has happened to me, even now. It isn't bad because so many things have improved and I am so much happier while at the same time a lot mroe troubled. Ha. I'm not sure if this came across very clearly. Hmm...

Well, one of the best things in my life is the change in my friendships. I really like that I lost Teej. I mean it's tragic that my sister and I hate each other now and don't even consider each other friends but, I know that now I am more focused on people that WILL be with me. They WANT to be with me and have for a long time. Dev, Christy, Andrea, Jordan.. etc. It's nice to hear that people accept me truly and not just because we went to the same school or something childish like that. XD It's friend power that keeps me happy and sparkly!

OMIGOSH! I am so excited for this weekend! Seriously! XD I am in the volleyball tournament apparently at Johnson Ranch and Imma gonna get together with Dev and Hannah XD That will be a blast. I think I've worked through a lot of my anger towards Dev. Just talking with her makes me at ease with her. Not talking builds a lot of resentment towards her and frustration. Being able to tell her about what is going on with my life, makes me feel like it helps her get to know who I am. I don't want her to feel left behind or like she isn't loved. I want her to know that I think of her. Heh, the picture of us yelling at Minnie "No, ONLY SUGAR" is my screen shot for my phone. It helps me get through those times when she won't call. It makes me feel like even though I can't hear or tell her about now, she's there visually everytime I flip open my phone. It's sounds kinda pathetic but she means a lot to me and it's hard to deal with the time apart espeically since I recognize how much goes down in High school. It's her Senior year, one of the most important times in her life. Plus, she always has something going on... and it's rarely ever her fault XD Haha! She gets the short straw in life a lot XD

Hmm, I'm getting to know Hannah a lot more since Dev doesn't talk to me very often. It's aggrivating so we vent it out by getting to know each other. Not sure if she feels the same about it but it's cool cause after we get it out, we are generally interested in each other. It's like a push to help us get to know each other better XD Yup Yup. We're amazing!

I love making Banana Bread <3

Imma gonna be in Roseville/Sac about 3 ish tomorrow XD HOW AMAZING IS THAT?! OMigosh!

I have homeworks DX FAIL! I need to do my part for the study guide of our Anthropology Midterm D> BUMMER! I has FOUR chapters to read! Two in the text and two more in another book D> That's REALLY BORING! I was supposedez to do it today but... I basically slept all day since I was so depressed and stressed out. Then I did laundry and talked to friends. -sigh- I'll probably be over my minutes again for my phone. G DAMMIT D> FAIL! I need to go get a job >.> But I don't wanna <.<

XP

I stopped roleplaying again, I kinda need to tell the people I was roleplaying with DX Ugh... I am just writing with myself right now. I am selling an Inari Beads to buy a present for Jordan XD Cause she's amazing! And... she's one of those elitists so she DESERVES an expensive gift >.^ She always makes such amazing outfits that it'll be totally worth it. Espeically since I don't really care for these beads anyway. I already have two D:

I have two episodes of Cowboy Bebop left. I'm really timid about finishing it because Christy told me that it ended on a sad note >.> It's already hard for me since EVERYONE THEY MEET DIES D> SO ANNOYING! Ugh... but if I finish it I get to work on other ones.... I need to... UGH After Midterms

I didn't go to any classes today or to volleyball practice because I was freaking out so badly. It's comforting to know all of my roommates had breakdowns the same night I did, tech. two nights ago (Wednesday night). I got really pissed at Dev and kept calling her but when she picked up, it was so unexpected and comforting all at once overwhelming that I started sobbing. It was really reassuring to me to hear her voice and just surprised me so badly. I scared her. Ugh. It sounded like I was breaking and truly, I probably would have if she had not answered. But, I would have called Christy. I think I did afterwards. She is amazing like that. I can lean on all of my friends and that's something I .... have totally underappreciated. I know realize just how much they are willing to be there for me or want to be there. Friends, are such a blessing. Like oceans that connect and move with the moon, reflecting the warm parts of her that she cannot see herself.

A moon that is waning and warning now.