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I don't usually like to write about my past anywhere, but I think it's time for me to make people understand why I act the way I act, feel the way I feel, do the things I do and think the way I think. To do that I have to go through a few of the traumas in my life so if that will freak you out I recommend not reading this journal.

Let see, I was born on October 3rd, 1987 here in Montreal. I don't really remember much of my childhood but the things I remember aren't the best. When I was around 4years-old I remember there was a family my parents were very friendly with, they had a son named Johnathan. He was a little older I think. I remember whenever I went over there he would want to touch me and make me touch him. I remember once when I told him no and that I would tell, he threatened me. These memories where blocked out for many years but recently I've been remembering it more and more.

After my family and I moved away from that area, I think everything was going alright. Right after I turned 5, on Boxing Day I remember sitting in my living room and watching my dad getting my mom in a headlock and breaking her nose. That mental image will never leave my memory. My dad swears I can't remember it but I do and I can't erase it.

During both elementary school and high school I was harassed and bullied for being over weight and different. I never took the school bus because I lived so close so I never had a social network or at least not a stable one. In high school I remember one time three people where walking down the hall (two guys and a girl, the girl was closest to me) and they pushed her right into me, all she said was "eww you pushed me into the fat girl". I remember crying and that was the first time I took a nice and cut my arm.

The bullying was a constant struggle. Not just because of those at my school but my family also bullied me. Mainly my grandparents found ways to torture me. whether it be for my weight, my grades, my messy room, anything they could find. My grandfather was the main problem growing up. I think he put the most pressure on me to be something I'm not. Neither of them could ever just accept me for who I am, and I not believe they were right, ever though those I hold nearest and dearest to me say otherwise.

I don't know if it could be considered brainwashing or not all I know if I can't stand it. Even now when I see them they have to criticize me some how.

I think all this led me towards dating my first boyfriend TJ. At first he treated me like a princess. Complimented me, made me feel like I deserved love. On my 13th birthday; he, my friends and I planned to go out for a while then meet up at a hotel room and stay there for the night and pig out. It didn't turn out that way. When we got to the room we I was all hyper and giddy, I went running around looking for everyone but no one else was there. When I questioned my boyfriend at the time and his friends about where the party was, my ex laughed and told me I was the party. After he pushed me into the wall a few of his friends left but the others stayed and joined in on their fun. I still remember the smell of their breath and the feel of their breath on the back of my neck. I remember them taking turns on me, the feel and the taste of my own blood was making me even more sick. Eventually I blacked out and a few weeks later I woke up in the hospital with my ex by my side. He apologized and promised it would never happen again. I think my loneliness made me believe him. I took him back.

He landed up beating me almost daily until I was 16-years-old, when he got me pregnant. When I told him what he did he threw me across the room directly into a wall. When I was on the floor he kicked me and punched me, screaming that I was a horror and that the baby wasn't his. Again I landed up in the hospital, losing the baby and finally sticking up for myself. He came to see me, to tell me he was happy I was going to have his baby. He had a ring for me and when he asked me to marry him I finally told him to leave me alone and that we'd never be married. I thanked him for ruining my life and to never touch me again.

During the time I dated TJ he cheated on me on numerous occasions and on one of his occasions he got another woman pregnant. After she gave birth to a beautiful baby boy she left him with my ex and ran off. TJ named his son Tommy. I took care of Tommy every day and every night. I took care of him like he was my little boy. I will always love him, he will always be my number one.

I will continue this later. It is taking a lot out of me to write this.
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