**note: before i copy and paste this, i would like to state that i did NOT write this, i found this on Fanfiction.net and it rightfully belongs to Eternal Nocturne [on fanfiction.net, not gaia]
kthnxbye, Lily
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One day, Master Hand was at Wal-Mart, looking at the gloves section, when he stumbled upon a box of cereal lying on the floor.
“Wow! It’s a random box of cereal lying on the floor! I better pick it up!” he exclaimed in his maniacal voice, thinking aloud. People around him stared, and then fled the store in fear of going crazy.
Master Hand picked up the rainbow-colored cereal box from the ground.
“’CEREAL’,” he announced as he read its cover. “That’s such an original name! I should buy this for the Smashers!”
And so, Master Hand advanced upon the registration lines. He paid 9,999 Coins for the rainbow-colored box of cereal.
“I can’t believe how low-priced this was!” commented Master Hand, holding the cereal as he floated out the doors of Wal-Mart. Actually, he ended up breaking them, but he didn’t seem to notice, even if the same thing happened when he entered said store.
Master Hand flew back to his and the Smashers’ residence.
He entered the building unnoticed (for some strange reason) and floated into the kitchen, where he stowed the newly-bought cereal in the wooden cabinet. Then he exited the room and played with some action figures in his chambers.
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The next day, Kirby aroused from his sleep (hours before any other Smasher, as usual), and leisurely walked towards the kitchen drowsily.
Hungry… he thought. That was the first thing he thought about every day.
Kirby puffed himself up and floated onto the marble countertop. He opened the cabinet.
“Oh! Cereal!” he gleefully squealed, noticing the new rainbow-colored box of cereal. He reached for it and placed it beside him. Then he scampered across the counter, opening another cabinet to his left side, and took out a large decorative bowl. Kirby poured a large amount of Cereal cereal into the bowl, and then placed the cereal box conveniently named ‘Cereal’ back where he found it.
Kirby bounced off of the countertop and sat down on a chair in the next room, the large dining hall.
He ate his cereal happily.
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Zelda made her way downstairs from her bedroom, being the second to wake up everyday.
She yawned, stretching her arms, which made her accidentally fall down the stairs because her eyes were closed.
“Ugh!” she said as she reached the bottom of the flight of steps. She held her head in pain—she had landed headfirst when she fell.
“Ow…” Zelda groaned, taking a few steps forward. The princess looked around. She realized that she had arrived in the dining hall.
The second thing that she noticed was that Kirby was sitting in one of the chairs, as usual, but he… wasn’t… moving…
“Oh! Kirby!” Zelda exclaimed, attempting to run to his side. However, she was slightly disoriented at this point, so she ended up tripping twice over two random bars of soap as she wobbled over to him.
Kirby was still and strangely unmoving. His eyes were closed. There was still a spoon in his hands, however, and a bowl of rainbow-colored cereal from a rainbow-colored cereal box named ‘Cereal’ was in front of him, placed on the table.
Zelda brushed a gloved hand over his face for no apparent reason, and then looked at the cereal.
“…Cereal?” she whispered, grabbing the spoon from Kirby’s cold, dead hands. She dipped it in the milkless bowl and scooped up a spoonful of the cereal, eating it, even though it was somebody else’s food.
“Goddesses!” she exclaimed, her eyes widening, “This… This tastes so GOOD! I MUST HAVE SOME MORE!!!”
Zelda lifted up the bowl to her mouth and ate the remaining bits of cereal in one bite. Her action was very inappropriate for a princess.
“Kirby!” she exclaimed towards the dead body, “Where did you find this cereal?!”
Kirby didn’t respond.
“Why aren’t you answering me, Kirby?! Kirby!”
Kirby just sat there.
“Hello?! Kirby?!”
Apparently, Zelda didn’t understand that Kirby was dead, even though Zelda possessed the Triforce of Wisdom… Which was supposed to grant her wisdom.
In her frustration, Zelda lifted up a foot and stepped on Kirby. He still didn’t respond, so Zelda stormed back upstairs so that she could force Link to find the cereal for her.
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Many hours later, Zelda finally succeeded in finding Link’s room, partly because she lost half of her brain when she fell down the stairs and forgot where Link’s room was, and partly because she was still trying to find Cereal-brand cereal in strange places, such as the bathrooms and random stacks of moldy cheese she found at E3.
Zelda busted open the door to his room and jumped on top of him for no reason.
“Aah! Zelda!” groaned Link as he eyed the princess sitting on top of him, “What are you—”
“Link! Find me Kirby’s cereal, right now! And that’s orders from your to-be Queen!” Zelda demanded. Link just stared at her.
“Zelda… Are you okay? Usually you’re all calm and—”
“LINK! CEREAL! NOW! DON’T MAKE ME BITE YOUR FACE OFF!!!”
Link whimpered like a little girl and ran off to find Zelda cereal.
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Captain Falcon woke up.
He went downstairs towards the kitchen.
He began to open the cabinet.
“FALCON-OPEN-CABINET!” he yelled. He succeeded in opening the cabinet.
“YES!” he yelled again. Then he saw the cereal.
“FALCON-TAKE-CEREAL!”
He took the cereal and opened the top. He began to pour it into his mouth when he suddenly heard voices from the dining hall.
“Zelda, why didn’t you just look in the kitchen for it instead of waking me up?”
“DON’T QUESTION YOUR SUPERIOR!”
A slapping noise was heard.
“Ow!”
Captain Falcon continued to eat his cereal when…
Zelda and Link stormed into the room. Zelda gasped at him, but Link only stared.
“CAPTAIN FALCON!” Zelda screamed. The racer looked at her strangely.
“YES?” he screamed.
“PUT THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW! IT’S MINE!!!”
Zelda turned to Link.
“LINK! GIVE ME THAT CEREAL BOX FROM HIM! AND THEN CUT HIM OPEN AND TAKE THE CEREAL THAT’S IN HIS STOMACH!”
He was silent for a few moments.
“Um… Zelda…”
“DO IT! NOW!!!”
“Okay! Okay!”
Link ran towards Captain Falcon and snatched the cereal box from his hands. He threw it to Zelda, who caught it lovingly.
“MY PRECIOUS…” she hissed, moving her hand over the words ‘CEREAL’ over and over. After a while, she looked back at Link and Captain Falcon. “WELL?” she asked loudly.
“…‘Well,’ what?” questioned Link.
“AREN’T YOU GOING TO TAKE THE CEREAL IN HIS STOMACH?!”
“Um…” he hesitated. “Don’t you think that’s a bit… Too much? Are you really that crazed over cereal…?”
Zelda gazed straight into Link’s eyes, giving him a cold stare.
“GIVE. ME. THE. CEREAL,” she commanded.
There was an awkward silence between the three as Zelda looked at Captain Falcon hatefully. It took a while, but the silence was soon broken by the shing of a sword being drawn. Captain Falcon fearfully gazed over to Link. He was standing in a battle position, sword in hand and looking at the racer with murderous eyes.
Link twirled his sword.
Captain Falcon ran as fast as he could.
“FALCON-MOMMY!!!”
Link chased after him.
Zelda greedily began to gobble up the cereal. Alone. In the kitchen.
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Marth woke up. (Why are so many people waking up?)
He opened the door to his room, stepping outside. The first thing he saw was Link chasing Captain Falcon like a crazed maniac, sword in hand.
Marth stared for a while, and then returned to his bed, vowing only to come back out once the craziness died down.
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Roy heard screaming down the hall. He wondered what it was, because when you just woke up and you hear a guy screaming like a girl down the hall, you’d wonder what it is.
Roy was glad there was screaming down the hall, actually, because when there’s screaming this early in the morning, he could tell that the rest of the day was going to be *special.*
Roy smiled, just ‘cause he felt like it.
He opened the door and stepped outside.
He didn’t expect Captain Falcon to ram into him.
He didn’t expect Link to appear and grab Captain Falcon.
He didn’t expect him to forcefully lunge his sword into Falcon’s belly.
He didn’t expect to see Link slice open his belly.
He didn’t expect for Link to reach into Falcon’s belly and pull out a handful of cereal covered in green stomach acid.
He didn’t expect Link to walk away with it.
Roy stared at Link, walking down the hall. He stared at Captain Falcon, who, unexpectedly, wasn’t dead, but was lying on the floor crying. He stared back at Link, who was still walking down the hall. He stared back at Captain Falcon, who was still crying. After Roy got bored with staring, he decided to follow Link down the hall, leaving Captain Falcon there alone.
Crying.
“WHY IS THE SKY BLUE?!” he yelled out loud for no evident reason in-between sobs. Roy and Link didn’t pay any attention.
“Link,” Roy said after catching up to his fellow swordsman. Link looked at him with his eyes, but he didn’t turn his head.
“Hmm?” Link responded.
“Why did you…” Roy looked back at Captain Falcon once more.
“Zelda wanted cereal. Captain Falcon ate some cereal, so she told me to…” he trailed off, looking at the dirtied cereal in his hands.
“I thought you didn’t hurt people,” Roy said. “You just cut open his stomach!”
“It was for Zelda, Roy…” Link whispered. “And besides,” he added, “I would’ve thought that you would think that this was funny.”
“Oh, it is,” Roy snickered. “I’m just pretending I care.” He looked at the cereal. “So… you’re really gonna give that to Zelda?”
“…Yeah.”
Roy started laughing hysterically.
“…Why are you laughing?” Link questioned.
Roy stopped laughing immediately.
“I just felt like laughing.”
“I see.”
“Of course you do.”
“What?”
“LINK!!! WHERE’S MY CEREAL?!” came Zelda’s distraught voice from downstairs. Link winced; Roy cracked up.
“Um… I’m coming!” Link called back to her. He started running. Roy followed.
When they arrived at the kitchen, Zelda looked extremely fat for who-knows-what-reason and Link felt like he was going to die after seeing her in that state.
“Zelda…!” he exclaimed. “Why are you… What…”
“GIMME MAH CEREAL!!!”
Zelda slurped the cereal and Captain Falcon’s stomach acid out of Link’s hands. She looked satisfied from it and burped loudly.
So loudly that it reached the planet SR388.
But strangely, not loudly enough to wake up the rest of the still-sleeping Smashers.
“CEREAL!!!” Zelda hysterically exclaimed, her eyes bulging. She patted her fat belly. Suddenly, she looked at Link and Roy and pointed behind them. “LOOK!”
Link and Roy looked behind themselves.
Nothing was there, so they looked back at Zelda.
To their surprise, Zelda was suddenly on the floor, and her eyes were closed.
Link reactively knelt down beside her and examined her. Roy did the same, just ‘cause he felt like it.
“What’s wrong?” he questioned.
Link suddenly screamed.
“SHE’S DEAD!” he announced fearfully.
“Ow…! My ears…” Roy complained, holding his head. “Don’t be so loud—”
“ROY!!!” Link yelled, grabbing Roy by his chestplate. “ZELDA’S DEAD!!! SHE HAS NO PULSE!!! SHE’S NOT BREATHING!!! WHAT DO WE DO?! WHAT DO WE DO?! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I GAVE HER CEREAL!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I’M SO STUPID!!! ARGHHH!!! WHAT WILL THE KING THINK OF ME?! WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO HYRULE?! ROY!!! WHAT DO WE—”
Roy slapped Link. He fell beside Zelda.
“Link,” he prompted him, grabbing his arm and lifting him back up.
Link whimpered.
“There’s only one thing a person can do when this happens,” Roy explained, his voice suddenly turning grave.
“…And what’s that?” Link asked, deciding to stop screaming.
“Isn’t it obvious?” Roy whispered, pulling Link in closer so that his pointed ear met his lips. “We. Must. Buy. More. Cereal.”
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Marth woke up. Again.
He yawned and stretched as he made his way out of bed and out the door, walking downstairs, but not falling down the staircase like Zelda did.
As he entered the dining hall, he noticed that Kirby was sitting in a chair, dead.
People dying already? he thought. I thought that it was too early for that.
He shook it off because he didn’t care about anything and continued walking towards the kitchen, the place where everyone has been going once they had woken up for some strange reason unknown to the universe.
That was when he saw a fat Zelda lying dead on the floor.
Marth stared at her for a few awkward moments before looking back at Kirby, also dead, behind him in the other room.
Marth didn’t care about who died or not, so he stepped over Zelda and opened the cabinet.
There was no more cereal.
“…Stupid Kirby,” he muttered under his breath. That was when he looked out of the window and saw Roy and Link running like they were maniacs, partly because of the fact that they were both screaming ‘WAL-MART!’ at the top of their lungs as they ran.
Marth stared at them disappointingly, and then decided to return to his room once more until dinnertime.
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“WAL-MART!”
“WAL-MART!”
“WAL-MART!!!”
“CEREAL!!!”
“ROY! HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT THEY SELL ‘CEREAL’ CEREAL AT WAL-MART?!”
“THEY SELL EVERYTHING AT WAL-MART!”
“WHY?!”
“BECAUSE THEY LIKE CEREAL!”
“WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?!”
“AAAAAAHHHH!!!”
Roy rammed into a tree that magically just appeared in front of him.
“OW! I RAMMED INTO A TREE!”
“I CAN SEE THAT!”
Roy rubbed his face and began to run again, but he forgot that there was a tree in front of him and rammed into it again.
“OW! I RAMMED INTO ANOTHER TREE!”
“IT’S THE SAME TREE!”
“NO IT’S NOT!”
“YES IT IS!”
“LOOK! IT’S RED!”
Roy pointed to Pokémon Trainer, who just happened to be a few yards away from him. He threw a Pokéball into the air.
“GO! SQUIRTLE!”
Squirtle appeared from the Pokéball. He landed in front of a large pile of food that was in front of him... Because he landed in front of it.
“START EATING!”
Squirtle started eating monstrously.
“GO! YOU CAN DO IT, SQUIRTLE!”
Squirtle sustained eating.
“HANG IN THERE, SQUIRTLE!”
Squirtle looked bloated by now.
“JUST A LITTLE MORE, SQUIRTLE!”
A new pile of food suddenly fell from the sky, adding to Squirtle’s already large pile of food.
Pokémon Trainer decided to call out another Pokémon for no reason.
“I CHOOSE YOU! PIKACHU!”
Pokemon Trainer threw a Pokeball that wasn’t there into the sky. Pikachu didn’t come out.
“Oh, wait!” Pokémon Trainer said. “I don’t have a Pikachu… I lost it to a jellyfish I found in a desert one time…”
Pokémon Trainer reached into his pocket again and took out another solid Pokéball.
“GO! CHARIZARD!”
Charizard appeared from the Pokeball.
“START EATING!”
Charizard ate Squirtle.
“GOOD JOB!”
A troll suddenly came out of nowhere and kicked Pokémon Trainer in the shin.
“OW! A TROLL SUDDENLY CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND KICKED ME IN THE SHIN!”
A blob of jelly came out of the troll’s mouth and slapped Pokémon Trainer in the face.
“OW! A BLOB OF JELLY SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE!”
A glob of pudding appeared from his shoe and started to eat him.
“I’M BEING DIGESTED!”
A piece of lettuce came out of his belly button and started making out with the troll.
Roy and Link decided to leave before random foods began attacking them, too.
They walked 9,999 miles to the nearest Wal-Mart. It only took them 1 hour, because they went 9,999 miles per hour.
“Now, was that hard?” Roy questioned Link. “I told you that it wouldn’t be that hard walking all this way.”
“You didn’t tell me anything.”
“Sure I didn’t!”
Mario appeared out of nowhere.
“Yo! What’s up?!” he energetically asked. He took a unicorn doll out of his pocket and randomly ripped its head in half.
“THE SKY!” Roy yelled out for no reason.
“What’s wrong with your head?” Mario responded in return.
“IT’S MY BIRTHMARK!”
Mario suddenly ran off and killed someone. Then he walked out of Wal-Mart.
Link slapped Roy.
“What’s wrong with you?” he scolded.
“I felt like being random,” Roy replied, trying to lick his elbow for no apparent reason. “I can’t lick my elbow!”
Link grabbed Roy’s arm, but ended up ripping it out its socket, thus making it hurt Roy a lot.
“OW! THAT DIDN’T HURT!”
Link stared at Roy’s severed arm that he was holding while trying to slurp up some random noodles that somebody just stuffed into his mouth.
“Why am I eating this?” he questioned himself. He slurped down the whole thing anyway. Then he looked back at Roy, who was crying because his arm got ripped off.
“OW—!”
“…Oops… Sorry, Roy! I didn’t know that I could do that!” Link apologized. Roy suddenly looked okay.
“No! We have to find the cereal! I’ll fix my arm later!” he prompted. Then he slapped Link just because he felt like it, causing Link to drop the arm. A dog snatched the arm away from the floor and ran off with it.
The dog ended up ramming head-first into a wall, causing Wal-mart to fall apart completely.
Roy and Link got up from under the debris left from Wal-mart’s destruction, unscathed. Plus, Roy’s arm was magically back in place.
“NOOO—!” Roy yelled. “THE CEREAL!” He reached out dramatically at the sky. Link just looked at him before realizing something.
“…Does this mean that I can’t save Zelda?” he questioned. Roy looked at him back.
“Save Zelda? What? Whoever gave you that stupid idea?” he replied.
“Wasn’t that why we went here in the first place, though?” Link responded, standing up and brushing the dust off of his tunic.
“No…” Roy answered in an evident tone. He got up, also, and began to lick a random bunny that fell from the sky. “We came here to buy more cereal.”
“Yeah, but you said that—”
“ENOUGH!” Roy screamed, causing the bunny to run away. He pointed dramatically at the sky once more. “SINCE THE SKY IS BLUE TODAY, WE MUST SEARCH THE RUINS OF THIS DESTROYED BUILDING AND FIND THE CEREAL!!!”
“…Roy,” Link sighed, “the sky is blue everyday.”
“NONSENSE! THE SKY WAS PINK YESTERDAY, SO OBVIOUSLY, YOU’RE WRONG! NOW ENOUGH TALKING! WE MUST SEARCH!”
Roy crouched down and took a piece of destroyed Wal-Mart, holding it up for Link to see.
“Do you see any cereal in this?”
“I can’t believe I know you.”
Link walked away and began searching nevertheless.
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Meanwhile, Sonic woke up and began running around like a crazed maniac.
“YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE…”
He ran out of his room, down the stairs, and into the dining hall. He jumped on Kirby and then jumped back down.
“…TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW…”
He zipped into the kitchen, bouncing on Zelda.
“…! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO…”
He ran up the stairs again and busted into Marth’s room.
“…SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE…”
He dashed all the way to the nearest Wal-Mart (well, what used to be the nearest Wal-Mart) and bonked Link and Roy on the head. Then, he randomly found a box of Cereal-brand cereal under a broken wall tile and started running around with it.
“…TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW!”
“DUDE!” Roy suddenly yelled once he realized what Sonic had. He got Link’s attention and pointed at the blue blur. “HE HAS THE SACRED CEREAL!”
“Since when was the cereal sacre—” he stopped in mid-sentence and eyed Sonic viciously. He grabbed his sword and dashed towards Sonic like a wild beast. “ZELDAAAA!!!”
Roy decided to yell, too. He grabbed his sword and followed Link.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
“YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO—”
Link ended up bonking Sonic in the head with the hilt of his sword. He dropped the cereal and fell down, unconscious. Roy decided to step on him, just ‘cause he could. Link bent down and grabbed the rainbow-colored box of cereal. He held it up and stared at it before using it to smack Roy on his head.
“Ow! What was that for?” he responded, holding his head.
“Don’t step on Sonic. He’s a hedgehog.”
“I’M SORRY, MOMMY!”
“…”
Link suddenly hugged the box.
“You’re sure that this’ll save Zelda, right?”
“No.”
“Shut up.”
“No.”
“Say yes.”
“Yes.”
“You’re not shutting up.”
“I know.”
“SHUT UP!”
Link bonked Roy on the head again with the cereal. Before he could react, Link just walked away. Roy, after recovering, decided to follow him, having nothing better to do.
Sonic was left alone…
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Link, not wanting to use the door like normal people, decided to climb through the window right next to the door. He smashed the glass of the window with a gigantic random rock he found randomly sitting in a random spot beside him and climbed inside the building.
“Alright, we’re here, Roy,” he mentioned to his friend who had just climbed in through the window, too. “Now what do we do with the cereal?”
“Ugh… Why can’t you use doors like a normal person?” Roy complained.
“’Cause doors are for pussies who don’t want to do stuff the hard way.”
“But don’t you use the door to get out of your room everyday?”
“Shut up. Just answer my question.”
“What question?”
“What are we supposed to do with the cereal?”
Roy grabbed the rainbow-colored box and walked away.
“Follow me.”
He lead Link up the stairs, to his room, then out of his room, to the bathroom, into the shower (where he randomly turned on the hot water and left it there), then down the stairs, to the front door, back out to where Pokémon Trainer was getting abducted by random blobs of jelly, all the way back to the ruined Wal-Mart (where he kicked Sonic for no apparent reason), then back to the Smashers’ residence again, back up the stairs, then down the stairs, up the stairs once more, then to Link’s room, Zelda’s room, and Ganondorf’s room (where he abducted him and dropped him into the searing hot shower in the nearby bathroom), next to the arcade, to the Metroid breeding room, to the bowling alley, to the paint-drying room, and then, finally, to the kitchen.
“What was that all about?!” Link scolded after arriving at their destination, panting.
“I just wanted to see how long you would follow me,” Roy snickered.
“I hate you,” Link replied grimly.
“Hey, there’s a squirrel on your head. I bet it’d taste good for lunch.”
The squirrel scurried off and ate a part of Zelda’s dress before jumping out the window and unintentionally killing itself.
“NO! MAH LUNCH!!!” Roy screamed. He began crying. Link slapped him and held him by his chestplate again.
“STOP THAT!” he yelled.
“OR ELSE WHAT?”
The next thing he knew, Roy found himself locked in a dark closet crawling with spiders hanging upside-down by rope.
Back in the kitchen, Link had no idea what to do with the cereal, so he put the box in the microwave and set it to one hour just to see if it would save Zelda.
It didn’t work.
The cereal ended up exploding and turning into a horrid monster that had 12 legs, 5 eyes, 1 arm, 8 tails, 4 tongues, and 9,781 sharp, pointy teeth.
Link decided to name it Barney because he just felt like it.
Barney started growling at him, but he paid no mind because he thought that it was harmless. Barney’s mouth started foaming viciously, but he still paid no mind because he thought that it was just normal. Barney started shooting out laser beams from its eyes, but he still paid no mind because he thought that it was just trying to show off.
Barney, after clearly not succeeding in daunting Link, lunged at his chest, attempting to rip his heart out.
Just before he could, Captain Falcon rushed in with a bunch of Mexican dancers singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and ate Barney whole.
“YES!” he exclaimed, pointing towards the ceiling.
Link kicked him for no reason, grabbed the fat Zelda, killed Ganondorf AGAIN after dragging him out of the shower, and then but a bunny on her belly.
After a while, Master Hand came back out to see if the cereal he brought home for the Smashers was good.
He examined Kirby.
“Hmm… Kirby’s dead after eating the cereal. Excellent!”
He floated onwards to Link and Zelda.
“Zelda’s fat and dead… Link is—”
“SHUT UP!”
“Excellent!”
He flew to the closet that Roy was trapped in.
“Roy’s trapped in the closet! Marvelous!”
“HEY! LET ME OUT!!!”
He floated towards Ganondorf’s dead body.
“Link killed Ganon once more… Outstanding! I must remember to throw him out the window for his efforts…”
He went to Sonic, out in the middle of Wal-Mart’s ruins.
“Sonic is—”
Sonic suddenly got back up.
“YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE TOO SLOW! YOU’RE…”
“…Never mind.”
He zipped into a far-off space and saw Mario.
“Mario is making Krabby Patties! Fantastic!”
He flew back to Captain Falcon.
“Captain Falcon is doing absolutely nothing! Great!”
Master Hand then met with Pokémon Trainer.
“Red is still getting attacked by jelly! Wonderful! I love this day!”
Finally, he intruded on Marth.
“Marth is—”
He was attacked by a pillow.
Master Hand was defeated.
Cereal then ruled the world.
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