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... Oh, its just YOU again >_> |
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Its taking me a while to get back into my whole trust thing with my journal xD
I'm still hesitating before typing, when back then I would just start typing up an entry with such passion.
I guess I might rant here for a moment. (anyone that hates to hear my ranting, please go away. I'm like a time bomb ready to blow up any second now ._. )
Anyways, as most people know, I'm in a totally numbed out state right now.
I can't feel a thing. My heart has been frozen cold, and I don't think it'll be warming up in quite a long time.
The last thing I needed was for my ex to show back up in my life.
I think I should explain something so it all makes sense, [skip if you know. This part is mostly just ranting xD]
I've been in 3 relationships, but only went out with 2 people. Its because I went out with my 1st boyfriend TWICE. He dumped me both times. The first time it happened, I took the break up easily. When my 2nd boyfriend dumped me, I took it pretty well because he was one of my best guy friends and I kinda agreed that we get along better as friends. Then boyfriend #1 pops back into my life by asking me out again.
He asked me out right after he dumped his other girlfriend. Just a few days later. We lasted half a month. Then he dumped me suddenly, just like last time. Out of nowhere he called me and told me it was over. He said it was because he wasn't ready to have a girlfriend or be in a relationship at the moment. I cried a little bit, but got over it a few hours later.
Then later that same day, he updated his myspace status and posted that he "was taking [insert that girl's name here] to prom." and "so happy that she's his girlfriend".
The girl was his "best friend" and up until that point, someone I considered a friend too. She knew I was going out with him, yet she asked him out during that time, and he gave in and replaced me with her. Great. I felt like smashing the computer with my fists hoping that he could feel the jabs I was throwing through the screen. (I'm calm, but when I'm really angry I tend to get out of control. It has to do with my "repressed rage" wink
I couldn't sleep that night. I curled up in bed and cried. At one point I even started biting furiously at my wrists. I didn't want to slit them, I wanted to bite myself and taste the blood. I wanted to feel my flesh be torn off by my own teeth. I actually had a few bite marks the next morning. (Not hickeys, actual bite marks that sunk into my skin xD) My friends thought a dog bit me; Thats how obviously bitten my arm was. Then the girl (... I don't want to say her name.) has the nerve to go up to me and try playing it off like I was ok with it all. After a few minutes she spit out the question "Do you hate me?".
I just gritted my teeth. Faced my head towards the ground a little so my disturbed expression would be hidden by my hair, then silently mumbled a low, empty "no".
His new girlfriend dumped him two days after they started going out. I knew she wasn't REALLY into him. She just did it to do it.
That same Ex-boyfriend that caused me to have to go through this whole hell ride asked me out AGAIN. Every time he gets dumped, he crawls back to me, desperately hoping I'll be his "rebound girl". I always refuse.
This time he even wrote me a sappy, dreadfully plain, and practically meaningless poem. He knows I'm a writer and I actually take writing poetry quite seriously. It was free verse, but had no pattern. It was kinda like the poems I used to write when I was still a 10-year old brat in 6th grade.
It wasn't romantic. In all, the poem was about how when he found me I was lonely and had never known what love felt like, how he always hurt me, how he KNOWS he is the one to blame for my frozen- dead heart, how I'm lonely and will probably never find love ever again, ect.
Then the poem takes a turn for the worse and makes me seem like a total helpless child that must be pitied and cared for by a guy like him. And how he feels like scum for what he's done to me.
He asked me out after showing me the poem, but I refused. Then a few minutes later he asked out some other girl. (Excuse me, but: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT. >_> )
I hate it how he tries to sympathize with me.
I don't mind other people telling me its ok; I don't mind when other people try doing something because they "feel sorry for me"
But, I don't need any pity from HIM.
He can keep his stupid pity and apologies, and I'll keep my frozen black heart locked up in my chest.
-End rant. End of story-
(... I think I have massive anger issues xD I rant about the slightest things xD )
 Deadstar x Assembly · Wed Jul 15, 2009 @ 03:15am · 2 Comments |
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