THE WITCH WHO HAD LICE
A man took a witch for his wife.
People said her hair was full of lice.
I don't think those people were nice.
Regarding the witch they weren't even right.
At the wedding her mother threw rice.
THE DRAGON AND THE KNAVE
A dragon flew out of his cave,
and killed a corpulent knave.
He ate the fat man in four bites,
then said, "Oh, that didn't taste right."
That dragon sat by his cave wall,
wishing he had Pepto Bismal.
THE VAMPIRE ON THE PLAINS
A vampire pounded his fist on my door.
He repeated my name with a roar.
He wanted to drink the blood in my veins,
but I forced him outside in the rain.
In the morning the Sun shined in the sky,
and I watched that damned vampire die.
THE GRAVE ROBBER
I met a man who dug up coffins.
He looked at bodies that were rotten.
He turned to me with an evil laugh.
He said he liked taking photographs.
I told him he was a twisted man,
then I kicked him in the jewels and ran.
THE WITCH WHO STRIPPED
An ugly witch imprisoned me.
That witch was mean and nasty.
She danced around her black pot.
She wasn't wearing a lot.
It was an awful sight to see
that old witch in her undies.
THE ROTTEN VAMPIRE
I grabbed a vampire by the throat.
He sucked the blood out of my goat.
I took one whiff of the vampire's breath,
then I retched all over his chest.
That vampire's breath really did reek.
I don't think he ever brushed his teeth.
I drove a stake through the vampire's heart,
and before he died he let out a fart.
THE MOTHMAN RETURNS
I tell you the truth; I do not lie.
A mysterious creature haunts the skies.
He comes to warn those who will die.
With monstrous wings they see him fly.
He stares at people with bright red eyes.
If you look at him, you can't help but cry.
His freakish eyes penetrate like nails.
When I saw the mothman I wailed.
ATTACK OF THE WEREWOLF
In human disguise,
over my eyes
he pulled the wool.
When the moon was full
he murdered my bull.
When I saw him he said:
"Now I'm well-fed."
So I kicked him in the head,
and shot him dead
with a round of lead.
THAT UNLUCKY BLACK CAT
My Grandma died and left me her cat.
That puffy black cat sat on my lap.
Now this was not going to do,
because cats I'm allergic to.
So I smacked the cat with a bat,
and sent him on to Grandma.
THE VAMPIRE FRESHMAN
A pale-faced vampire sat on his chair,
combing his mop of greasy black hair.
He thought the professor a pretty lass,
and he bit her on the neck after class.
But the pretty prof had the last laugh.
That pale-faced vampire didn't pass.
THE CYCLOPS
He had a gruesome face,
the ugliest of his race.
He chased me across a meadow.
What a persistent fellow!
He had a single bloodshot eye,
his skin like someone who died.
I ran through a clump of trees,
but he caught up with me.
He grabbed me by my shirt,
so I turned to strike him first.
I took a spike from my pocket,
and drove it in his eye socket.
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The Haunted House That Was Deadly
The Haunted House That Was Deadly
A spooky comedy about four tourists who try to escape from a house that is haunted by demons and aliens.
THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE APOCALYPSE
Four Horsemen rode across the land,
dumping horse manure on the Iraqi sands.
They came to destroy the Earth,
but the desert became fertilized dirt.
One day instead of a war over oil,
pretty flowers will grow in the soil.
A ROYAL HOWLING
A werewolf was brought before the Queen.
That old lady of royalty was mean.
The werewolf thought it might give her a fright
if he let out the loudest howl of his life.
But the Queen didn't flinch nor scream.
She karate-chopped him in the spleen,
and drowned him in a barrel of cream.
THE FRISKY VAMPIRE
A dirty old vampire tried hard
to impress a lady named Marg.
He said, “Baby, I’ll never be mean.
I’m an all-night love machine!”
When the vamp let down his guard,
Marg smeared his face with lard.
I never laughed so hard
as he chased her around the yard.
HOW SALLY BECAME A VAMPIRE
I never saw a vampire so happy.
On Friday he had a date with Sally.
He took her to a late night party.
The vampire felt all lovey dovey.
At the party he passed a gasser.
The undead men roared with laughter.
However, Sally didn't think farting funny.
She looked around at everybody,
then smacked the vampire in the kisser.
Then the unhappy vampire bit her.
THE WITCH'S WEDDING
A centaur was imprisoned by a witch,
and put under her spell, the two got hitched.
She turned the centaur into a princely man,
and made herself the fairest in the land.
After their wedding, the witch unzipped her dress.
Her handsome hubby helped her take off the rest.
The spell was then broken; the centaur was shocked.
His bride was uglier than a three-eyed ox!
The witch beckoned her beastie into bed,
but the centaur ran off and hid in the shed.
THE VAMPIRE ON THE BUS
A vampire hopped on a bus.
The ladies onboard made a fuss.
One old bag uttered a curse.
Another hag him with her purse.
When a werewolf hopped on the bus,
all those old ladies had enough.
Things on the bus got rough.
THE EXECUTIONER
They brought a killer out to hang.
He was the leader of his gang.
He shot the sheriff just for fun,
gunned him down in front of his son.
A thousand crows filled the sky
as the guilty man prepared to die.
They wound the rope around his neck,
then pulled the knot to doublecheck.
The door fell open; the man went down.
His feet never touched the ground.
He made an awful sound.
THE VAMPIRE IN MY KITCHEN
All my hope of happiness is gone.
I don't know how I can carry on.
You've poisoned me with your spices.
You deserve the worst of Hell's curses.
You've taken my lifeforce from me.
Why have you dished out such misery?
You made me turnips for dinner!
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