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since about the last update people would want to know what is happeing with me, and i am sure you would all want to know if i am upset or not.
well personally people can't hate each other forever, and even if i wish too, i can never let that happen since its not myself.
some time people would say don't you miss the people who blocekd you on your MSN / AIM / YIM and ICQ i would say i care no less, and i wouldn't mind their own choice, since they won't understand me at all.

the reason i am updating this blog is because i don't wish people to think i am selfish and damn upset with things that doesn't bother me, and normally i am stronger than normal girls, and i bearly care if people hurt me, or try to take a piece of me, since my mother / grandmother and grandfather and my own baby brother seem to does it everyday, so i have a world on my own shoulder.

since i was a child i gone threw a lot, and i won't bother telling people the fear and pain i when threw back then, since its all in the past, at the same time people say, i am too nice or people a just too self minded to who i really am, since i think a lot and there a too many things going up and down with my own thoughts.
you would think i am going to make this post friends only, and all that sillyness, well i am not bother too, because i want everyone to read what i have on my own mind.

I don't tend to hide who I am beside it wouldn't be nice for those who wish to read it and finds it hard or differcult.

people who reads this blog would think i am going to say something mean and cold about those who ignored me, and those who turn their backs on me and those sillyness, well read carefully and see if i am..thanks because if i am ... leave your note... thanks.

anyway back to where i was starting, life has their own ups and downs and at the same time i have gone threw a lot to understand the meaning of this world, and the meaning of treasuring those who a close to you.
even if those people who knew me for so many years, can ignore me, i can do the same, but i never did because i believe some day or sometime we can talk once more and share the good and bad times we once been threw.

no matter how much i fall into the black, i will still hold out my hand and take you away from those sorrow, no matter how lonely and how sad and cold i can become.
i won't let you fall in those moment like i did, once you fall, you can never come back out, for me that won't happen.

why do i raise out my hand and grab those who lefted me, because i believe someday you will understand i never turn my back from you, but i was there to love you back, no matter how weak my strenght can be, i can still be the one who offers a simple free hand to hold you close.
why am i saying these things, when i am a person who a short minded and cold hearted, because i'm not...
i want to be at your wedding and see you smile in happiness, i want to be the one at your side listening and holding you.
i want to be that person who is kind but strong towards those who can see it, i want to see those loneliness of mine burn to nothing but happiness, i want to love you all.

people would think this post would be nothing but K-chan, I am not talking about K-chan at all, instead i want to say I loved him dearly, and i would trade anything to love him more.
why does this post seem more like a girl speaking her own mind, because my desire is to see you all in happiness.

some reason people who knew me would think something different about me, because i would end up crying or screaming about sad things that people can bearly understand.

people should never say their pain and sorrow is hard to understand, and people should never say i can never understand their relationship and love life, because i had 6 guys cheating on me before in the past, but i was never mad at them, instead i was happy to know them.

please keep in mind, that you where never alone, and you would never have to go threw all those bad and sad times, if you give me a chance to grab your hand, i wouldn't let you fall into those black moments of mine.
a lot of children would say i am nothing but a broken doll who never been loved, but as Suigintou / Michiru i am glade I am who i am today.
i can understand the moment of those in happiness, and those in sadness, i want to say people who thinks this is going to be a rank, its not, because i am saying this out loud, i am not going to hide it or block it so people on my friend list can read it, i want everyone out there to read this.

i don't wish people to think i am making all these up to get your attention or view on what i say.
I want everyone to know that love can be found, if you believe in that moment and chance.

i had my own problems, and i got ignored for a silly reason some people misunderstand, and i don't blame them, when i want to talk to somebody, i just want somebody to listen.
i don't aim my own gun at them and shoot them no that would be foolish, i take those bulliets out and make sure no one is hurt beside myself.
why on earth do i want people to fall into those dark moments of mine, its not worth it.

Sometime i would listen to eternal snow, and hide those sadness away from those who never seen my hurted self, why do i put up a smile with all those moments, why do i hurt myself. doesn't bother me no more.

i would say "How long has it been since I loved you." but then again how many tears have i held towards myself just to be the one and strong princess they know me as.
when i really needed support, there was no one there but myself holding a sword and fighting those moments on my own, trying to save others from suffering the same fate.

sometime i would ask myself do I really love you, as much as you say I love you to me?
its funny... how people wrote to me in my email and said, i hear you ranking someone i know on blah blah... i was compeletely shocked.
sometime on other forums i would try my best to grab others out of their sadness, as much as possblie by listening and telling them how i when threw those moment, and after telling them my story i broke down a few time crying...

and was anyone there to say to me "I miss you" not a moment or chance, but instead i want to thank you for giving me this gift on sharing my self my true self.

people don't have to suffer so much just to think their right or wrong.
this is who we should understand.
sometime these kimochi can be annoying, no matter how our kimochi feel. you have to say i loved you, so please understand.

no one is suppose to be alone, and no one is suppose to feel sad about themself, but then agaiin i want to thank you to those who gave me the chance to explain how i felt, and once again i want to say this is not about K-chan, I love him dearly, no matter if he reads this or not, I loved him as much as a close / best friend as much anything.

no matter how blue i am, no matter how sad you are, there is someone there to listen to you, or you can talk to me, i will listen and tell you my story no matter how much i will break down.

once i was so down i wrote this...

Blue Moment

The last miracle to me was to love you...

There is a season where people a longing to be with each other once more...
Now that moment of the year has come...
Some with coldness...
Some with warmth....

I remember nothing about the past...
With no knowledge about the world...
I was too young to understand...
Just walking past everything...
No one to hang on too...
No one to laugh too...

What excuse would I make?
When this wave of pain was cause by me?

I'm freezing alone in the white snow...
Even to this night...
My last courage was to love you...

I'm so stupid...
I keep thinking to myself...
Walking threw the passage time...
I throught they would forgive me...

The rushing feeling I held within me...
Was spilled down into million of pieces...

Until that day my hand reached the cold white snow...
My last corage was to love you...

I'm freezing alone in the white snow...
Even to this night...I'm crying....
My last courage was to love you...

My love for you will last forever...

The first miracle to me...
Was the day I meet you...

"Even in the snow my love to you will last forever, as it was not the last miracle to me.
I still wonder...if they forgave me, i still believe they will someday. because someday i will stand in the white snow smiling in happiness just to greet you with my cheers, not with my sadness. the reason i wrote this part is because i love you all, i hope that someday in my time if i really do die without warning one of you can pass this message down, and share it to those who never understood themself. "

this is me, and this is my words to those who are able to give me the chance to share it.
i want to say your not alone, as long as we're together, we can make a brand new future.

P.S : once a friend said i can only teach you how to love one person, but if that person is gone i hope you can remember that love is around you and your not alone.

sometime if i can turn back the time i would be the one to say that you him too, instead i never had the chance and i really screw things up back then.
some reason i want to share these words with him, but then again i have no place in his heart, but now and forever he is still the one in my life, even thought he told the hold school he doesn't like me.

you will always be my love.