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Here I am yet again. I haven't blogged since Decmber 3rd. Oh how much things have NOT changed. I still can't really sleep. Last night was the first time I'd gotten to bed before 4am, that's including taking sleeping pills to MAKE me sleep. I slept until 5am then I woke up and didn't fall asleep again until around 6:15ish. Maybe, the alarm clock isn't plugged in so who knows. I do know it was before Pippa showed up. But yeah, things haven't changed much since the last blog. I'm still faking everything, whoop-dee-do. I fell asleep around 11:30ish today, I didn't mean to fall asleep, I just was so damn cold I wanted to get warm, but I fell asleep.
Now I feel horrible about it. Horrible. Like, I've been alone in the house for nearly 2hrs, well except for Nathan, he's asleep on the couch. But I've been trying to find something around the house to do besides laundry to keep my mind from actually thinking about what's driving me insane, on such luck. Fate's after me today. I've really pissed her off this time. I sat in the living room and did a word search, but I had to stop because I started crying to hard to see. Which is another thing that's bothering me. I've got double eye infections and a sinus infection that's so bad it's got my nostrils infected. How lovely is that? I feel like s**t. I can't pinpoint where exactly I feel bad because it's everywhere. I'm exhausted, sick and depressed. Maybe I'm so tired because I'm depressed, or maybe I'm depressed because I'm sick and tired. That's a double edge sword right there.
Who knows. I just know that I can't pretend anymore. I've tried really hard to "do the right thing" but after christmas, it all went to hell. This all started after I actually sat down and read a book again. Well, it was two books, but still. The horrible guilty feelings I got for reading, omg. It's been horrible. I actually feel bad for reading a damn book!! It seems that after I actually sat down and read, and I didn't really pay any attention to anyone or anything. No, I didn't do dishes, vacuum etc. I just read, and I know that was wrong. I should have helped out, but reading was my escape for those few hours I was lost in the books.
And then new years eve, jesus christ. That was a nightmare! I got so angry that I just wanted to go home and die. We went to my uncle's to celebrate the new year and it back fired. But I don't want to talk about that anymore. It's over with.
But what's really upsetting me is what happened today. I fell asleep, and instead of waking me up, I GET A ******** GUILT TRIP! No. Not anymore. I know when my mom and grandma were my age they worked like dogs etc. They had children, they were married etc. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I help out around the house, but there's only so much a person can stand before they begin to feel themselves crack right down the ******** middle. You know what you'd find inside of me? A hallow shell, that's what. I've tried to be this person that's accepted by everyone, I'm in therapy to help me get used to being around people because I can't ******** stand them and all I want to do is scream "******** YOU" to everyone and go live under a god damn bride because I can't do all this s**t. Pretending to be someone you're not only works for so long, then you start to lose yourself in the fake image you've created. I don't want to be that person. I'm trying, I really am but it seems that the effort I'm putting forth isn't working at all. It's like trying to push on a concrete wall thinking you've moving the son of a b***h, um that don't work!
And you'd think with my family knowing I've got agaorphobia, Bipolar and OCD they'd be a little more understand, but they're the worse! Judgemental, if you don't do something you're pathetic etc. I never speak ill about my family, but they've pushed me to far this time. And it all started because I got a ******** guilt trip from my mother, who probably didn't intend on it, but sent it out anyway. I sat on the chair in the living room DREDDING my mom's return after she went and picked up Pippa. I was so ******** nervous that I was debating on wither or not I had to puke! It's re-god-damn-dicilous! I shouldn't be afraid of my mother returning because I know she's going to give me a guilt trip, which she promised after how her mother guilt trips her she'd never do to her kids.
She's just like her mother! If you don't do something RIGHT THEN AND THERE you get a guilt trip. ******** THAT! I'm tired of guilt trips, I'm tired of feeling sorry for s**t I didn't do! I sleep in, I get a guilt trip, I'm up to late, guilt trip. I actually talk to my friends online, GUILT TRIP. "You should try and get to sleep at a decent time. The whole world doesn't revolve around night time." "Try and get up in the morning." "You'd be happier if you actually got up before 1-2PM" It's the little things like that that are driving me ******** crazy!
DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK IF I WASN'T DEPRESSED/SAD OR JUST ******** MISERABLE I WOULDN'T BE THAT WAY?! DID IT EVER OCCURE TO YOU THAT I'M UP AT NIGHT BECAUSE IT'S PEACEFUL AND I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE WAY? DID YOU EVER STOP TO WONDER WHY I AM THE WAY I AM? DO YOU EVEN COMPREHEND THE s**t I HAVE TO GO THROUGH JUST TO SURVIVE?
UGH! I'm so ******** pissed off it's scary! I go see my therapist in an hour and I just want to chew glass and spit fire. I can't even see straight, and now my eyes are stinging because I've got tears running again! Oh and my nose is on the verge of bleeding again. Yeah, I bet my family is really pleased with themselves, they've successfully sent me over the edge now. All I want to do is break s**t because I'm so ******** mad. I'm not gonna be the shy little girl that gets pushed around anymore. Pushed around, you'd think I was in school being bullied. I guess my family is kinda bullying me. They don't seem to understand that there's just somedays where waking up is enough. Surviving or interacting with others is pushing the envelope.
I'm out.
Edit: Everything is better now. It's all been sorted out and fixed.. Well, sorta fixed.
 WatchTheSunDie · Fri Jan 09, 2009 @ 12:51am · 0 Comments |
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