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He who laughs last didn't get it.

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

What's in the bucket, but a bucket of s**t. But a bucket of grapes, grapes in the mouth. Grapes in the mouth make me happy down south, make you get a big boner, watcha gonna do? - Jimmy Sullivan

One day I'm gonna fail so hard that I'm gonna run. I'm gonna run and I'm never coming back, and when I come back, I will succeed. - The Rev

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

The road to success is always under construction.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."

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