Clickie on the breakdancin kitty!
Mood: Contemplative
Listening to: the fan of the fireplace
Reading: your mind
Watching: through windows, wondering if I'm okay...
Playing: the game of life...aren't we all?
Eating: nothing
Drinking: water
This won't make much sense because I'm tired out of my gaurd and my pinky toenail basically just broke off. So, ahead of time, I apologize for non-sensed-ness and grammatical errors.
Here goes...
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Where to start? On saturday, I went to see the movie Twilight with my "twin" and bff. The movie was pretty great, not nearly as good as the books, but good in its own right. The funny thing is, the three of us all took something different away from it: I took the emotions and characterizations and comparisons to the book, Lacy took the musical aspect and Mikki took the art/lighting decisions. Anyway, we all showed up and sat through the movie mostly intact...I was wearing bandages all around my head though because an egg exploded in my face last tuesday. .-. no lie, I had to go to the hospital for severe burns and got morphine and everything...
So before the movie starts, I'm trying to take care of my burns and Lacy and Mikki run off to get tissues since I "can't make it through a single movie without crying." Well, this hurt my feelings and resulted in me trying my very best not to cry...out of spite. With ended up with a lot of sniffling but no actual tears. I got told this is the same thing as crying WHICH IT IS NOT! but whatever, cause I already had my whole rant on that :- Also, they made me take my fake fangs out :- ;o;
But just... I've been feeling really depressed since after the movie saturday. I'm not fully sure how to explain it...I feel like I've lost someone or something very dear to me, but haven't discovered who or what yet. Maybe a part of myself? I feel that some people have gotten to know me too well. That is, they feel like they know me, and it's uncomfortable because I'm not sure I even know myself. I'm Cia, I'm everyone's loveable Bella, accident-prone danger magnet who's bouncy and loveable and caring with fierce determination. But is that really who I am?!
I feel like there's so much more to me that no one knows...because I don't let them know. No matter who I may seem to be on the outside, on the inside I'm still the shy and scared little girl who bubbles over the top in order to avoid my core. My essence is not the self-assured and friendly person people seem to know me as. The true me is shy and scared, jealous and a bit vain--despite the fact that I can't fully love myself. I'm vain in the sense that I focus on not loving myself to a degree in which of think about myself too much.
I realised something on Saturday that made me cry:
I vowed years ago I would never put my dependance on/in other people yet I realize I've been doing that again and that I think that's part of what it is to be human--interacting with your species and depending on others, helping each other out, and yet I hate it, because I feel that I'm using people and I feel that I shouldn't be seeking help because the world would probably be better off if whatever would happen to me without help ... Deep down, I know depending and using aren't the same thing, but I feel like I just dump on people and that anything I ever do wouldn't be equal in helping them...hence, I must use people .-. and...I'm scared...because I can feel the recessive alcoholic genes (of my family) at work and it scares me so bad...I feel urges to drink away my problems and avoid those urges, but it scares me that I'll never be able to just take one sip without becoming an alcoholic.
I have so much going on in my life right now, I know it would stress anyone out, and since I have illnesses that include Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it affects me even more. I know all this, and yet I wonder...do I feel these things because of the illness, or because they hold an inkling of truth?
Cecelia327 Community Member 
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