Soaring Raptor was searching a library, when he saw thousands of teenage girls giggle and squeal over what appeared to be a glowing book with a picture of two modly hands cupped to hold a rotten, half bitten apple.
"zOMG! TWILIGHT IS THE BEST BOOK EVER!" one of the girls screamed. She was about sixteen, tall, with long brown hair and green eyes. She wore an AE shirt.
"DON'T YOU JUST LOVE EDWARD? HE IS PERFECT! SO GORGEOUS AND MANLY! I WANT HIM TO BITE ME!" she cried.
Soaring Raptor then grabbed the book from her hands, and opened it up. The first chapter read: Edward met a girl named Bella. He was a p***y. He didn't bite her. He was a sad excuse for a vampire. Edward got Bella pregant. They now have a mutant child. That child married another mutant from Jasper and Alice. Those two had children, and their children inbred. The whole family now lives in Tennesse. The end.
"What the s**t?" he said, confused. "This is lame."
And then. all of a sudden, a demonic voice came fron the American Eagle b***h.
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? IT IS LAME? IT IS GREATER THAN THE BIBLE ITSELF."
Soaring Raptor just stood there. A librarian approached them.
"The bible is better written," she said. She snatched the book from Soaring Raptor. The fangirls screamed in sheer terror as the librarian torched the book with a lighter.
"I've wanted this SIN out of my library for quite some time. Never got around to doing it."
The fangirls were melting. Except Miss AE b***h.
"YOU WILL PAY!" she cried in a Satanic voice. Her mini skirt flew up to reveal a c**k for a split second, and then went back down.
Soaring Raptor knew hell was about to break loose. Then a light came from the charred remains of the book. (BTW, the smoke detecters were out of batteries.)
"I AM EDWARD." he boomed, in a godly voice. The puddle of melted fangirls started to form back into twelve little girls.
"EDWARD!" "WE LOVE YOU!" "HAVE MY BABIES!" "MY NAME IS BELLA TOO!"
"SHUT THE ******** UP!" he cried. He then regained his normal voice. "Seriously, what the hell. Stop worshiping me. You girls want to be bitten by me? That's gross."
The fangirls stood in shock, especially the AE girl.
"And besides, Stephenie Meyer made up every book after Twilight. I actually did bite Bella, and hard. I ripped out her neck. I mutilated her body and ******** what was left of it. I'm a sick b*****d." he revealed.
The fangirls started shooting blood out of their eyes. Edward laughed. The AE girl just sank to the floor, and started throwing a hissy fit. She then got up.
"I DON'T CARE! I STILL LOVE YOU!"
"b***h," he hollared. "YOU DON'T KNOW ME."
He took out a pistol and blew her head off.
"Besides," he added. "I ******** Jacob. We were hitting it off the whole time I was with Bella. I'm gay."
To this day, Soaring Raptor will never look at that book cover the same, again.
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