Jayce..makes me happier than any man has ever come close to. At his touch I smile, at his kiss I blush, at his whisper I am his. My world completely revolved around him, until now. Now, I have no world at all and inside I feel completely empty. The emotions inside of me are few but what I do feel is hurt, betrayal, and one that I dont understand why its there. Love. I still love him even though he hurt me.
I stood by Jayce, through his whole accident I stood by him. He had no memory of me but I tried to get it back. Tried to help him remember. I comforted him when he was upset and helped him through some rough parts of his life. He had my full and entire trust until he broke me. Now Im so unsure of anything. I thought we were the perfect couple. Sure, we got upset once in a while but who doesnt? Our fights were usually over in a few days, nothing more. I think at the most we were upset at each other for maybe four days.
I gave him everything that I am. Told him my deepest, darkest desires, confided in him my fears. He soothed them all away and made me think them silly. His touch soothed my tears and his words seemed to fix everything and I was never happier.
I thought, this time, i may have actually found my soul mate. I thought that, this time, it may have acutally worked. I thought I'd found real happiness.
He told me he would never hurt me, never betray me, but what am I left with now? A broken heart and I have no idea about how to begin picking up the peices. Hell, i dont know where half of the peices are! Sometimes, i think Im just better off if I dont ment my heart at all.
The worst dagger of all, was sleeping with his ex girlfriend. She was my friend, I told her a lot of things, confided in her my feelings for him and then I found out they'd slept together. My heart broke all over again and now I dont think Ill ever be able to trust another man. Not with my heart. Yes, he wasnt my boyfriend when it happened but still, the act stung me nonetheless. I wish he would have just hit me or something. The physical pain would be much easier to bare than the emotional.
After all this I've been asked the question "Even though he broke your heart, even though he hurt you so badly, Would you take him back?" My response wasnt even hesitant. Of course I would. I LOVE him. He is EVERYTHING to me. He is my light in the darkness, my moon in the nightsky, my red on a rose petal, my angel in heaven. He is my everything, and without him I feel lost. I feel so lost in a sea of nothingness.
Maybe, not right away I wouldnt. I need time to heal my wounds. Maybe though, someday soon, Ill find the courage to trust again. It seems as if every time we spoke the threat of breakup weighed so heavily on my mind. It was growing into a paranoia. I was so afraid he would break up with me. Mutter those two words and never speak to me again. "We're Done." Now that he has, I dont eat and sleep until Im sick. If I sleep, the thoughts go away and I no longer dream. When I sleep my heart can stop hurting for a while, when I sleep everything feelsl like a bad dream and when I wake maybe it'll all be over. The sad truth is....this nightmare may never be over. Never.
I long for his soothing touch, his kiss on my lips, his voice in my ear. I long to feel all of this again even though I know I shouldnt. He is the ONLY person to have ever cared for me as me and not for whom he could change me into. He was my lover, my friend, my fiance, and the kindest man I've ever known. I thank the God I worship so much that he kept me happy for the time we were together. Thank you...for giving me happiness, even though it didnt last.
xEchobutterflyx Community Member 
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