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I know none read it, but it's public in hopes they will |
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I seventh grade, I met the most extraordinary person I think I'll ever meet. Before I met her, I was quiet, shy, and so afraid that the thoughts I thought were wrong. She found my voice with me, and I became more creative and had brilliant moments and made a friend so close, we shriveled when we were apart. She was like no one I'd ever known. She taught me extraordinary things, and even introduced me to Gaia. We still argued, of course, often acting more like sisters than the best friends we were, but there was no doubt how much we loved eachother.
The friendship grew, though was threatened in the summer after our eighth schoolyear. As freshmen, we really were inseparable, much to a few teachers' dismay. There was no one I truly wanted to be with more. I even let go of my first serious boyfriend to stay close with her.
Sophomore year, things changed. I was showing more interest in more people. I could tell it was upsetting my best friend that I had grown so attached to, but I thought she'd understand I wanted to socialize with other people as well. And she did, for a while.
I became more flirtatious, more sexually active, and as a negative result, drifted farther from her. She would often become upset with me, and I was too slow to simply realize that it was because she MISSED me. I showed a defensive attitude, and she left the school.
Completely broken and realizing NOW what I had done and lost, I worked harder to try to mend things, though her trust and faith in me was broken. For a little while, we started to show signs of what used to be, but those quickly faded. News of how reckless I had gotten got back to her through and older friend and she cared even less, bluntly telling me there was no chance of me fixing a damn thing (though not in those words).
The other friendship, which had started for me just before the freshman year has dwindled as well. It went though a more severe rollercoaster, though. There was jealousy when my best friend seemed to chose her over me, and then triumph when I was obviously the more valued. Then love, when I realized that I liked this person a lot as well. Over Freshman year, this rollercoaster repeated several times, finally coming to level ground in Sophomore year. Beginning as tolerance, I thought we had formed a real friendship, even though the other best friend vowed eternal dislike upon this friend.
The latter was the informant of my best friend in the first part of the story. She sincerely believes I never cared for her truly. Though the first friend takes on a more apathetic view of my existence, the latter harbors more of a vile hatred because of my promiscuity leading to a betrayal of another friend in a completely other story.
I feel shame for how I have become in some ways. Depression for the fact that I pushed away two of my closest friends. Pain and doubt- oh, the doubt in myself. I felt all this to the point where I didn't believe I had a point point to live anymore because I believed that I had completely ruined myself.
Then I realized what they didn't. There was more to this story. I had made more friends as well. I WASN'T using them for money or attention, as may have been thought by a certain someone. I actually cared for them. Given, I still desperately wanted to change my life- to become a high honors student again and to get priorities in order- I also knew that it wasn't the end. Resolving to take a break from the new friends to get thigs together and come back more prepared, I could only hope that I could win my old friends back as well.
Anyway, no matter what happens, bot have impacted my life in a way that won't ever be forgotten. I'll never lose my voice, and I'll have something to remember the next time I try testing the line.
 Lady Xerephani · Sat Aug 02, 2008 @ 10:43am · 0 Comments |
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