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I can't feel my heart
When I place my hand on my chest
Or when I remember

I'm scared

But I know that
Not caring
Not holding on to anything
And not finding my own pulse
Must mean that I can go on without needing
Your pulse to keep me alive

I'm frolicking in ignorance
Dancing in immaturity
And swimming in the useless desires
That I know won't be

I have shimmied my way to a darker place
And jived myself into someone different

No matter how much I moved myself
No matter how hard my heart would bleed
And I would come short on breath,
I could not find my way back to knowing
how to feel my own pulse
Or how to make this bleeding stop

Can't you see?
I'm clutching the place where my heart used to be
And yet there is no explosion
Of emotion
Just the cold feel of
A true shell