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OMFG its so damn hot....

I mean...like....this heat...is literallly....killing me. sad Plus its makin my asthma mess up so its all hard to breath and shiz....

Our airconditoning system thing picked a wonderful time to ******** up. It's 90+ degree's here (unusual for Ohio I think....) and I'm suffocating from this heat...

I hate hot, I hate sweating, I hate this ******** thick heat and its driving me insane because the god damn maitnance people don't ******** feel like fixing our AC now.

Excuse my anger, I don't funtion well in heat. I like cold, cold is good. In cold you can put on more and more cloths to get warm. In hot you can get naked and still be sweating and hot and s**t. My asthma doesnt' mess with me in cold, sure as hell does in the heat though. I get sleepy when its hot, a sleepy Courtney is a bitchy one. All I been doing the past ******** week is whine and its getting on my own damn nervs. Why? I don't complain to others (except Joey...), so all I do is hear me nag and whine and b***h in my thoughts and thats ******** annoying...

I wanna ******** scream right now. We have NO MORE POPSICKLES. Why? My ******** siblings ATE THEM ALL IN THE ******** SPRING....early spring, when it was ******** COLD... stare greedy as bastards I ******** hate living here so fcukin much....

But hey, guess what...I'm a senior now. Offically, and it feels very nice. cool

Oh...and guess what else I found out? The two asian kids I been trying to talk to are ok after all. The one at the Career Center doesn't have a computer and ish to shy to phone talk, so its ok. The one that goes to my school wants to talk though 3nodding He gave me his email and aim name, so this will be... gonk rather intresting. I expected things to be much worse than this so now I dunno what to say or nothing I mean I didnt' expect to get this far.... xp I was just bored and tryign to amuse myself...

So now, I'm sitting here looking at the kids email and IMing stuff and I just feel so confused crying I just didn't expect him to respond ^^;;

Shiz....>_> I just got on VX and saw Angel got married so now I feel bad I missed it. sweatdrop I mean...I just logged on to do RO-like stuff and checki Gaia and looki... crying I missed her wedding! Damn you timezones >_> It's all your fault ToT

So...yea....>_> I finally told Trys I had a problem with his attitude to me. I try to be nice to him and stuff on RO and all he does is act like a stuck-up a**...lately he's like that, atleast. He used to be fun and cool and now he just...>_> is diffrent. So I told him how I felt and now he wants to PM @.@ .... crying I love Trys I don't want 'em to be mad at me.

As a matter of fact...I love everyone in VX....they really are like a "family" to me, and...I dunno, I'm really happy I found them. whee

Man...I am SO HYPED!!!! I'm going to that anime con in Cali (where the Ragnarok Online tornament thing is held) regardless of if VX goes or not. heart I can't wait to go! I'm so...excited xd

Ooo....>_> it is still hot, but I'm tryin to stay postive. smile the heat isn't killing me like it was yesterday.

Oh! Oh! You HAVE to see my rpg game!!! I'ma post the link to it soon, it's called "Presage", its a girl game and although its plain and sucks I love it redface I make it with Rm2k3....finally a game I make I actually intend on finishing whee ... sweatdrop unless I get hooked on RO again.

It's strange...I haven't been on Ragnarok since Saturday. sweatdrop Only time I been online was to talk to Kev once and gather resources for my game. heart ....

Oh yea, the stalker thing! ... I'm sorry...but I just can't let myself think Shadow would do that. Josh, yea, you usually are right alot and for all I know you two could talk about him doing that but just....::sigh:: I just refuse to believe Shadow is like that, he wouldnt' do that... Call me stupid or dumb or whatever you want...I just won't allow myself to ever think such a thing unless he comes to me himself and says it....or you provide incrimating evidence O_o Only thing that would purely convince me is a Shadow confession.

Speaking of Shadow...>_> I think I may of missed his and Holy's wedding and now I feel bad...AGAIN! crying Damn you people...everyone trys to get married when Courtney is offline. crying

And...I have to tank him still...but I bet by now he already made hunter -.- .....damn....bleh, don't get me wrong or nothing...but like, I don't tank anymore...did I offer to tank him? Fuzzle...I can't remember anything like that....see, all this ******** stress. I am so stressed right now over if I offered to tank him or not...If I did offer I'm a ******** b***h for not holding up to it, so now I gotta make up for it...but, like...I dont' tank anyone anymore. I don't even play my priestess even when I actuallly get on Ragnarok. I mean..I may play her here and there, but thats just to tank Joey. Why am I tanking Joey? Because he's making an FS priest, and I need an FS heal slave to level my dancer and who better to do that than the guy I love? 'cause Joey has 4laugh being my boyfriend means having no choice!!! 4laugh (fyi...thats a joke...)He'll get a priest and be able to help anyone he wants, and I'll have teh satisfaction of knowing I helped him... ._. although I guess in the end, it was just to help myself...but I mean, ok I could make him priest and then he could disappear. So its not to help myself, because the possibility of him disappearing is still present. I mean, I highly doubt Joy would because we're quiet attached to eachother... sweatdrop heart but still, I can't ignore a possibility, or then I'd be ignorant now wouldnt' I? wink

That's the thing about me, the little fact I love about myself when people are concerned. Most people think I'm so ignorant and naieve and stuff, but in almost every situation I have ever been in...expect the Isaac s**t....I've had a firm grasp and understanding of the situation and all the possibitlies that could result from it. Almost with everything i can think of, I know exactly what I'm doing and I know what will happen as the result of my behavior or someone elses. Its one reason why i wanna be a scientist, I look at allk the possibilties, I exam every angle to the fullest detail so my analogy(sp?) is precise; I don't like making mistakes. I rarely ever make mistakes. I know that sounds cocky as hell, but it is seriously true...and if I do make a mistake, I critize the hell outta myself and that causes many bad things happen ._. i.e. the Isaac situation.

...ya know, that entire paragraph has been read by so many people, yet no one believes it. I must be one hell of an actor xd ....but seriously ...I dunno, I don't like being like how I said above...its why I act like such an airhead sometimes. That is like...bad Courtney...and I wanna be good and nice to everyone 'cause it makes me feel good inside...plus, that side of me makes one hell of a weapon when people piss me off cool If I had more confidence in myself, I'd be one hell of a b***h...I mean...you thought I was bad before ._. god forbid I utilize "bad" Courtney... gonk

... xd I'm such a friggin loser. heart

I went out with my mom the day before yesterday to run errands, it was fun. 3nodding I got to go to this new daycare for KJ and Kenyana and this girl I know from school works there on internship I think. Its a very beautiful day care. After checkign out the daycare she made me go with her to the welfare office to get the paper so they'd pay for it 'cause its like $350 for both my sibs ._. I had to stand in that aweful line, god I hate the welfare office. stare This ghetto girl's son kept crying because he was sleepy (and she knew he was...she said it herself) and she kept yelling at him and hitting him, even though she knew the baby was just ******** sleepy...she kept yellin at the little kid and he was like 3 ******** years old...god it pissed me off so much. She coulda held him or something but no she hits him and yells at him...your not suppose to hit little kids you can hurt them and yelling hurts their esteem and she just...grrrrrrr......

...ok....>_> I'm sorry, I had to go breath a second. I don't like little kids getting hit...'cause thats my childhood right there. I got beat by every Tom, John, and Rodney my mom was currently ********. Not just me, my sibilings too...so I'm not to keen on hitting lil kids. I mean...I won't lie ._. I hit my siblings but not bad...like I pop their hands or something with my hand I don't strike them to hurt them like that woman was hitting her kid...and the damn security woman just sat there and watched....

My mom made me shut up ._. she tried to say "she's young and kids are alot of stress"...i dont' wanna hear that s**t. If she wanted a baby she shoulda waiting. If the kid was an accident she shoulda been more intelligent instead of an easy slut...::sigh:

So, I distracted myself... whee this kewl asian man and his old, old mother were infront of us inline whee heart He looked like one of those men on that yummy asain porn I saw xd His mom was so kewl and they were talking in some language I didn't understand. He looked like a big buisness man, thats nice as hell of him to stand inline with his mom so she could fix her food stamps card. I mean, like...he wasn't someone who needed to be in that line...but he respected his mother so much he came. Either that, or he didn't wanna have to buy her food xd ...regardless, that was nice :3 and I'ma honor my mom like that (even though she doesnt' deserve it stare ) when she's old too 3nodding He asked this woman infrotn of us to go ahead of her, since all he needed to do was fix her card, but she was bitchy and said no. stare Mean woman...anyway, that man and his mom reminded me of the Joy Luck Club. whee

We're moving...sooner than I expected gonk The people that own this projects I live in want my mom to do community service becayse they still think she doesn't have a job. She has to do like 48 hours of cleaning up this nasty a** projects because we are so "lucky to have such cheap housing". rolleyes Thats a load of s**t. I won't even describe the s**t that goes on ehre and that we have to endure because I have some pride in myself ._. not pride, no...just its embarassing xp So yea, we're moving in a week I think. O_o My mom is looking at houses now...we're going back to the rich side of town...which means I gotta leave all my friends. sad

SIKE! xd I drive now b***h cool Not legally, but soon I'll be legal, and I'm driving to and fro school for now on~No, Marion Franklin isn't exactly the best of schools no we don't get any kind of an education...but still, 3nodding I still live on the concept my friends are worth it.

I've gotten so close to my friends this school year whee We're "real" friends, and that feels nice. heart I never have ever had a chance to make "real" friends, because every school year we move. sad I went to this school two years straight, and I wanna graduate from here too whee Shiz, I'm top 10 in my class xd I have a A average, you know how many oppurtunties are open for me? ..I know, your sayin now "Oh no, go to the rich school its so challanging and blah-blah-blah"~no, I'm going to the college this year too part-time, so I'll be challanged there. 3nodding

Speakin of that...I have to take the prelimnary test on Friday. I'm not nervous, just I dont' know where i have to go or anythign and I don't like not knowing things. I dont' mean that in the retrospect that I am afraid of the unknown ._. I just...like things organized and thats not organized at all >_>

Josh...omg....bleh....please, anyone reading this don't get mad at me (like JOEY for starters gonk ) But yush, ya know I miss ya bro? blaugh I dunno why I do....I mean, as far as I know, everything I know about you and everything you said was a lie...but I dunno O_o You and Kevin have been plauging my mind lately and its very weird. @_@ bleh, besides teh ocassional view of my journal, methinks I am dead to you. >_> and my journal is laced with weirdness (I quoted that from Kayla biggrin Feel loved!) so taht always keeps people reading 4laugh

xd

but yea....I know I dont' say it lots, but I still thinka you Joshie and you too Kevie. 4laugh People who pwn Courtney's heart get cute "-ie" names~! xd ...expect Onii-san O.o...his name is uber special redface ~! And Joey's name is now Azucar Papi! xd

Ilovemusic310954 [4:39 PM]: How you say sugar in spanish?
Joey [4:44 PM]: azucar
Joey [4:45 PM]: ^_^ Hi Azucarita
Ilovemusic310954 [4:46 PM]: XD
Ilovemusic310954 [4:47 PM]: Er...so...your my Azucar Papi? O_o
Joey [4:47 PM]: xD that works also
Joey [4:47 PM]: xD cause Azucarita is sweetie
Joey [4:47 PM]: xD
Joey [4:47 PM]: ^o^ whos your Azucar Papi
Joey [4:47 PM]: =p
Ilovemusic310954 [4:47 PM]: XD
Joey [4:47 PM]: XD
Ilovemusic310954 [4:47 PM]: Joey! ^o^
Joey [4:47 PM]: ^o^
Ilovemusic310954 [4:47 PM]: /shy
Ilovemusic310954 [4:47 PM]: forever
Ilovemusic310954 [4:48 PM]: you gotta teach em to say that :3
Joey [4:48 PM]: Who my Azucar Mommy
Ilovemusic310954 [4:48 PM]: Grandma! ^o^
Joey[4:48 PM]: ^o^ and ever ever
Joey[4:48 PM]: xD
Joey[4:48 PM]: oh hell no
Ilovemusic310954 [4:48 PM]: XD
Joey [4:48 PM]: XD not grandma again
Joey [4:48 PM]: XD

Joey! I want you to know right now you are SOOOOO evil for making me go though and change your name >_> And comment on my journal b***h I dont' believe you read it mad

Damn it.... >_> I gotta go, preWOE meeting. See you laterz~ heart

<center>[ U p d a t e ]</center>

I feel bad inside...

I can never have a good "irl" and a good "net" life at the same time...either one is good as gold, and the other is dark....never both at the same time...

I logged on to do WOE happy as hell, 'cause I ranted here and so I was feeling less heavy hearted.

Our only bard is Matt, and there is this other girl with a dancer in D.C. that has whined in the past about not being able to use her dancer (she has a priestess I believe...) and so I log on today and she's the CP dancer; not me.

I feel so...betrayed. I don't even know why. I don't understand why I care or why it even matters to me. I shouldnt' care. I mean, now I don't have to just stand in place and try to keep up with the CP while the effects are off....but just....

They coulda said something cry I just log on and boom I am a soloer....I mean, we have a guild BBS for a reason...I wouldnt' of been upset or anything I just feel so cheap now...as soon as they get another dancer I'm just...not imporant anymore.

Its just so sad...I been here, faithfully, to every WOE to be there for them and as soon as someone else makes a dancer I just...don't matter anymore. Yes, that is exactly how I feel.

So inorder to escape the heartbreak I knew I woulda felt today, I asked if I could just not attend WOE today...I mean, they had a dancer and I didnt' want to be right about any of my presumptions of what was going to happen. Skilled told me not to...

I kinda see things from the angle Skilled said Tazzle was comming from. He said she wanted to much attention and he wasn't here to give her that (pretty much), and like....she was right. No, I dont' expect Skilled to sit around and give us attetion when we need it...but since thats about all he can do to ensure we stay with the guild.... perhaps a little mroe activity in that area wouldnt' do any harm... ._. with time he just seems to quit. Its like the president saying he doesn't care about the people and then telling them to "go to another country" if they dont like it...

Its just me though, huh? What the ******** is wrong with me...I dunno...I mean I'm sitting here crying with like a billion thoughts running through my head...I dont' want attention...I just want to feel like I matter in the guild, and the only person that makes me feel like I do matter is FS. Well...FS and Lilly, ocassionaly Nooj. But mostly FS, she really makes me feel wanted there and stuff...

Everyone is telling me to just leave VX...but where would I go? Honestly now...who the hell would want a level 64 WOE built CP dancer? No ******** one because I am to ******** weak to do anythinbg...I can't even train on my own...I hate thsi so much....

I just....just...it feels like as soon as they find another dancer I get ditched and I'm trying to look at my other characters to decide which one I could just have join VX because....like....we dont' have a bard...I'm useless since they have the other girl....

I devoted all this time and work and s**t to them and now its like...like...I just feel used. It hurts alot too, because I put all my heart into this and once again its not worth anything. I keep pouring myself into peopel and devoting myself to them and in the end it never matters....

Ya know what sucks? I can't even say anything....I can't say anything to anyone because Charles doesn't care and neither do the other guild leaders...I'm not sure though, he said before he cared but after today's display that doesn't hold true....and all my friends are saying "so why the hell ar eyou still in the guild?"

I just...I don't have anywhere else to go....no one else wants me. By saying "me" I mean my dancer...and when I say "no one" I mean the good WOE guilds. I just...I dunno, after today I feel like I don't ammount to anything with my dancer. I'm ready to just ******** delete her and say the hell with it. If Joey didn't pay my account up I woulda already quit RO...well...if I felt like I am now I woulda...which is about the third time this month I have had these feelings towards RO....

Ha...Joey said I'm the "head dancer" and they should treat me as such. I should be able to dance with the bard and stuff...

But why? I mean...do I honestly even care? I dont' even know why I'm so upset right now. There is no way in ******** hell I am mad because I didnt' get to dance with the bard...no, it isn't that at all. Good thing I see that...anyway, I just...yea...this is all about the feeling of betrayal.

Kevin is making a bard for WOE now and Nooj is too...if this was just about not having a partner I would feel happy now. I don't, though. I just feel crushed. I feel like just going back into my shell and not talking to anyone anymore....

Joey doesn't want em to quit RO, he says just leave VX...where the ******** do I go then...

Great, now I'm repetative....::sigh::...so ******** stupid.....

No, though...I don't care anymore. I feel broken by those I trusted, god this happens way to much to me...so it doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter anymore. I just need to stop befriending and feeling close to people, its a waste of my time. I can do so much better by just shelling up.

So now I am decided...my dancer is leaving Version X until I am ok about being dissed like this. I'll invite my hunter....don't have to worry about being head hunter, so its ok...everything is ok....

...and I'm sure if I keep telling myself that, it will be.

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