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Jokes For All!!!! (Highlight Page To See) |
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For All Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set.
2. A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, Night.
3. On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers.
4. I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Wasn't Familiar Territory .
5. 42.7 Percent Of All Statistics Are Made Up On The Spot.
6. 99 Percent Of Lawyers Give The Rest A Bad Name.
7. I Feel Like I'm Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe.
8. Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet.
9. Remember, Half The People You Know Are Below Average.
10. He Who Laughs Last Thinks Slowest.
11. Depression Is Merely Anger Without Enthusiasm.
12. The Early Bird May Get The Worm, But The Second Mouse Gets The Cheese.
13. I Drive Way Too Fast To Worry About Cholesterol.
14. Support Bacteria. They're The Only Culture Some People Have.
15. Monday Is An Awful Way To Spend 1/7 Of Your Week.
16. A Clear Conscience Is Usually The Sign Of A Bad Memory.
17. Change Is Inevitable, Except From Vending Machines.
18. Get A New Car For Your Spouse. It'll Be A Great Trade!
19. Plan To Be Spontaneous Tomorrow.
20. Always Try To Be Modest, And Be Proud Of It!
21. If You Think Nobody Cares, Try Missing A Couple Of Payments.
22. How Many Of You Believe In Psycho-kinesis? Raise My Hand.
23. Ok, So What's The Speed Of Dark?
24. How Do You Tell When You're Out Of Invisible Ink?
25. If Everything Seems To Be Going Well, You Have Obviously Overlooked Something.
26. When Everything Is Coming Your Way, You're In The Wrong Lane.
27. Hard Work Pays Off In The Future. Laziness Pays Off Now.
28. Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Do Not Have Film.
29. If Barbie Is So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends?
30. How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges?
31. Eagles May Soar, But Weasels Do Not Get Sucked Into Jet Engines.
32. What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
33. I Used To Have An Open Mind But My Brains Kept Falling Out.
34. I Couldn't Repair Your Brakes, So I Made Your Horn Louder.
35. Why Do Psychics Have To Ask You For Your Name?
36. Inside Every Older Person Is A Younger Person Wondering 'what Happened?'
37. Just Remember - If The World Did Not Suck, We Would All Fall Off.
38. Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some PeopleAppear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.
Exercise Routine
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
SCROLL DOWN.............
NOW SCROLL UP..
That's enough for the first day.
Great job.
Have a beer.
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50º Fahrenheit (10°C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35º Fahrenheit (1.6°C)
Italian cars won't start.
Canadians drive with the windows down.
32º Fahrenheit (0°C)
American water freezes.
Canadian water gets thicker.
0º Fahrenheit (-17.9°C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60º Fahrenheit (-51°C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100º Fahrenheit (-73°C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173º Fahrenheit (-114°C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
-460º Fahrenheit (-273°C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "Cold eh?"
-500º Fahrenheit (-295°C)
Hell freezes over.
The TorontoMaple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
Worst 1st Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not! We have all had bad dates.... but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began
to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately
came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing!
Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
Current mood: amused
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a HAIR Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has
Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, "Rock Bottom".
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are
Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE
SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house
is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it." The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little
Johnny told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
Subject: Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
She's Such A b***h......
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
ONLY IN AMERICA AND CANADA:
Only in America AND CANADA.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America And Canada......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.!
Only in America and Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..
Only in America and Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America and Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America and Canada......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America and Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our h a i r, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?!
Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that indestructible! black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouth kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies the husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture,
brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so
patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have
been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the
most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling
ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The
angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to
do it again?"
He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's!
But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head."
Three Strikes You're Out
A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."
Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.
His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."
Congressman's Money
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"
An Elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000." The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly," replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done," the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem," said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants, etc., so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course," said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !"
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
Accounting Department.
B. If they are recounting them, put them in
Auditing.
C. If they have messed up the whole place with the
bricks, put them in Engineering.
D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange
order, put them in Planning.
E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other,
put them in Operations.
F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put
them in Information Technology.
H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human
Resources.
I. If they say they have tried different
combinations, and they are looking
for more, and yet not a brick has been moved, put
them in Sales.
J. If they have already left for the day, put them
in Marketing.
K. If they are staring out of the window, put them
in Strategic Planning.
L. If they are talking to each other, and not a
single brick has been moved, congratulate them
and put them in Top Management.
M. And finally, if they have surrounded themselves
with bricks in such a way that they can neither be
seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red.
He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?"
Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in
the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in
the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have
their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell ?
Woman Golfer
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'
The woman said, 'That's okay.'
For her first wish, she wanted to be t he most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.
The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.'
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers : Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
See what 50 years will do:
Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.
2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.
2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jason won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1956 - Jason sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.
2006 - Jason given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jason has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.
1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.
1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1956 : Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2006 : Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed
1956 - Ants die.
2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.
1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the
last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately
take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. i was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playingwith mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned
beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
 -Slayer Morgan- · Mon Aug 27, 2007 @ 09:31am · 0 Comments |
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