Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Have you ever looked up at the sky, praying for something you know you will never have?
You may pray to a god, but as far as what I pray to...
I pray to nothing.
I look up at the sky becuase I was told the stars hold the answers.
I was told this by a man I know for a fact had more wisdom then any god.
I was told this by the man who stood beside me.
Who helped me grow up.
The man who laid out the blue prints for what I have become today.
But sadly, the thing I may be, is not entirely what he wanted.
He wanted me to be an honest person, someone people would rely on to be there for them as he had been there for me.
He wanted to see me become the guy that everyone should be HONORED to know.
Quite frankly...Frank wanted me to be the man for the rest of the world as he had been for me.

You may think you know a best freind...
But do you?

Do you have someone there for you, at all hours of the day or night?
Who was there every god damn day right beside you?
Who snuck onto your roof to make sure you were ok?
Who didnt hesitate when you asked him that your freindship be known only to those you both knew?

I hid my freindship with Frank from alot of people, but the people who knew us outnumbered those greatly.
My parents never knew Frank, becuase I didnt want them to know him.
Now I wish they had, so they would understand why I still hurt inside.

Its sad...When you have that person in your life that makes everything worth it, who knows you and everything about you, who has shared secrets with you so dark that you were so shocked by but you still valued them just as before, who you didnt hesitate to hug infront of everyone even if you were both guys, who taught you things in life that people never understand, who made you see the world with hope.
What happens...when that person is taken from your life?
What happens...when you find out he died...and no one told you for weeks?
What happens...when the freind who gave you hope, a smile, laughter, the best memories in your life.
What happens...
What happens...
You turn cold
You turn away
You lose the hope
You lose the smile
Nothing is ever the same again
You will never find that person again
No matter how hard you look
That person is gone forever
But he is still there
In your heart
and in your memory
but for me...
that fact he is there...
it hurts me everyday...
When I look at a copy of the letter I wrote to Frank, to be placed in his coffin during the funeral, its like im being told all over again...
When someone tells you a loved one has died...
The most expected emotion is sadness...
Mine was anger...hatred...bitterness...
After Frank died, I only had Crystal left.
But I hated her more then anyone in the world...
Becuase she didnt tell me Frank was dead for weeks...
A week after I was told they held the funeral.
I was lucky I was able to muster the strength to write the letter for Grum to place in the Casket.
The one who meant the most was dead
The only one left who still gave a damn, I hated.
Then I started to confide in her again, together we cried over the loss.
When her tears stopped...My tears flowed...
She was able to move on
I never did.
People said...
No one was more affected by the death of Frank 'lennie' Tombs then Atom
No one shed more tears then Atom
No one...suffered a loss greater then he did



My life will never be the same
My life will never be worth it again


Not only did I lose Frank...
But I lost Crystal as well...
Crystal commited suicide several months afterwards


Have you ever had a memory so horrible, your gut turned and tears filled your eyes so fast you couldnt even see as you broke down?

Every memory I have of Frank, Crystal, Sam, Connie, Kennith, Carly and Johnny...

Destroys me...

The sound of a voice, off in the distant.
You turn in disbelief
Then
You realize its just another trick your mind has played
and you collapse
tears fall from your eyes as your stomach turns and you feel so sick your already bent over ready to vomit

What if you went through that...

every day...

every night...

every dream...

everything...

every god damn thing...

every person you see...

every voice you hear...

every shadow in the corner...

Would you be able to bear it?

What if you cant...
What do you do?

I simply cant take it...
Yet I cannot cast aside my life
I made a promise...

what if you made a promise that was so hard to keep...that keeping the promise meant you would suffer more pain then most people ever experience in their whole lives?

Would you still keep it...
What if I dont?