My Gaian popularity took a nosedive gonk Used to like 20 people reading my journal and today just 3. sad
Maybe I should put back on my mini-wings. stare Those seem to get me attention.
...eh, but I aint in it for the attention. I hate attention. I hate people who need attention. Any sort of notice comming upon me is so...like, foul in my mind. I don't want to be noticed or looked at....but you can wonder about me if you like. wink The great Luma cannot control you thoughts. 4laugh
I'm still tiered....
My DP teach said it's cause the seasons are changing which is making everyone so laggy.
Speakin of that...
Some poem I barely remember writting won some award. Er...another one I wrote...I wish I could remember what it was about. sweatdrop Most of my poetry is dark and not happy...like the one that won the award was about me commiting suicide. I try to write happy poems, I swear I do...my happy poems just don't have as much effect as my depressing ones. sad
Ha...I remember before Shadow went away I was writing a story or something for a teacher and I needed to be depressed and "dark" to do it...so he would try to cheer me up (even though I told him I needed to be dark) and I would get mad and he'd leave cryin...::sigh:: I miss Shadow...so much...when he tried to reach back out to me those many months ago I ignored him because the wounds inwhich were inflicted were still so fresh and fleshy....I couldn't jsut be "ok" because I was still struggling to get over what I had done...and he needed me...and I abandoned him...
I'm such a bad person its sickening....
I keep being to rough with myself in my laggy mode today. I keep running into stuff and people and tripping...I'ma have so many bruises when I finally wake up.
Hungry...gosh, gonk I'm always hungry when I write here. I didn't eat lunch, though....
"Myself" is still locked in that place, its kinda stupid now. It doesn't even try to get out anymore, its comfortable in its contained surrounds, so much less pain that way.
No word from Jumi in such a long while...I miss him alot. He hasn't pestered me since his last request...I hope he's ok. He always disappears like this, i hate it so much...
In the book we're reading in lit, the Joy Luck Club...man I love this book. xd It brings me back to when I was 13-15 into asian stuff like a sad otaku...and yes, I mean otaku in the literal way, not the ******** up American thing. 3nodding On the chinese calender I'm born the year of the dragon. redface Here, read my attribues:
1988 : People born in the Year of the Dragon are healthy, energetic, excitable, short-tempered, and stubborn. They are also honest, sensitive, brave, and they inspire confidence and trust. Dragon people are the most eccentric of any in the eastern zodiac. They neither borrow money nor make flowery speeches, but they tend to be soft-hearted which sometimes gives others an advantage over them. They are compatible with Rats, Snakes, Monkeys, and Roosters.
That is me, down pat...as if they wrote it just for me or something. xd It scares me how close to my personality that is &.&
This is my...er...other sign thing. sweatdrop
January 5: Capricorns are ambitious, efficient, patient, worrisome, intolerant, pessimistic, and stubborn. They seem to have a wall around them, yet they really do enjoy the limelight. Even their spare time is spent on practical things. Decisions come slow, but they rarely make mistakes. They are deeply hurt by attacks. They heal slowly and could be vindictive. Sometimes they are loners for fear of being hurt.
Capricorns have few intimate friends, and they speak only when they feel a need to speak. They desire recognition and need encouragement and praise.
They are conservative in dress and in their home.
In love, they are romantic and emotional, but may be inhibited in expressing their emotions. Commitments come slowly. Often they marry late in life, but they marry for life. Capricorns rarely divorce, because they do not want to give up any of what they have worked to acquire.
Which is also me....down pat.... sweatdrop
I wonder how I am so easily defined by such a basic standard of human classification.....
Eh...lemme get my mind off that...
Izzy promised today after work he'd get on RO and we'd level our archers together. Tee hee~! I so can't wait~! whee whee whee I didnt' get to spend anytime with Izzy all last weekend so he said he's going to make it up to me especially since I needed him and he wasn't here sweatdrop He feels bad about that.... sad ....like what happened was his fault or something.
Please excuse this mornings rant, oh three people who read -_- ....Just me rambling on, 3nodding don't look into anything I said...except the fact I miss sex. Thats all I think I was in the right mindset for 'cause I can't get it outta my mind. xd
Yay~! Besides being tiered I am actually happy whee Why am I happy?
Because...I have found this amazing power in myself that is quiet intresting if I do say so myself. 3nodding I know i say it alot...but I really am learning to love myself. After this weekend, after seeign I only have myself to depend on and stuff...I see why the "capricorn" nature is so unwilling to commit to something. People are pigs, they cannot be trusted except with their basic funtions: eat, sleep, and ********, sweatdrop whatevr~. Like I said though, that's all they're good for, all you can rely on them for. Only except I make that with is Chris, 'cause I know if my Onii-san was here right now he'd never let any kinda harm come to me. whee I got his back and he's got mines...and I'm so thankful and so happy to have that. Its not much of a responcibity for him xd I mean, all he has to do is keep talking to me as he has 'cause no matter what he does he'll never let me down..and even if somehow he did let me down...just like...how he acts, strenth-weaknesss-and-insecurties things would always bounce back up and be even better than before. whee Eh.... sweatdrop Unless he pulls a Josh on me. &.& if Chris did that I'd have like no will to live anymore except my own determination to survive and you can tell from the scar's (although barely visible) on my body that wouldn't hold up for to long.
This ish a joking entry so no one take this to seriously ok? xd Not joking, I mean all I say...just like... xd as Sephy said in his silliness...this isnt' a life plan, just a rant. whee
Kev is happy again, 3nodding his guildmates made him feel better and I'm happy he's no longer a heaping pile of depression.
No nap for me today... sweatdrop if I nap and its hot I wake up wiht one hell of an attitude....like yesterday. blaugh
This no longer talking to Travis "like that" thing has blown over well. 3nodding All my friends go back to treating me the same besides a few akward moments when they question what happened and he's sitting right there. sweatdrop Those moments are never good. ^^ Morris is walking me to class again, Shannon is wisecracking on my biracialness, Patrick is acting like a love sick dog ( gonk ), Mike is back to being his weird self not all cautious, Travis isn't changing who he is anymore, Larry no longer calls me tainted ( xd ), Brad's still being an a*****e, Shaddaria is still the same xd , I don't pay attention to Jeron so I dunno or care bout that, Cody ish hanging with me again ( whee whee whee ), Willita is letting me feel on his man boobs again xd ....and that about sums up everyone I give a ******** abotu. xd I realized that I always go through periods of time where I think I have a crush on one male friend or another, but then it hits me I don't, and I move on.
Lemme explain that Willita name.... xd When me and Will were talkin to our mentor he mentioned something abotu Frau Koneva starrin at my boobs 'cause I always say how much I hate it. sweatdrop I laughed and he said he wished teacher's gave him that much attention. I told him to get a sex change then. He said he "liked choking his chicken to much", so I tol dhim to get a boob job. 3nodding He said "Yea!" in his uber whiteboy tone xd and jumped up and stuff...so now I call him Willita. whee and I feel on his boobs whenever I get the chance to ta tell him if they're getting any bigger or not. xd ....its cool to do taht with him, unlike other guys he doesn't say "You can touch mines if I can touch yours" sweatdrop
Oh! Will taught me a new word too...corn hole xd Somethin on Jackass when this guy put a firecracker in his "corn hole" and set it off.... sweatdrop
Onii-san drew a picture of Batman for me xd its so purdy~ heart I mean purdy in a manly way incase your reading this Chris blaugh we mail eachother lots, whee I wish mroe people regular mailed me too
I gotta take picture of abstract art for DP class.... sweatdrop I dunno what to take pic's of though.
I want some chili cheese frys ::drools:: domokun ...we dun have none of the canned chilli though and I dun feel like making any by hand...plus, we have no hamburger unthawed either., sweatdrop I dunno how the hell I'ma make speghetti with frozen hamburger. xp
Josh said he reads my journal everyday...weird...not like bad weird but its intresting he does...
I don't just be around people anymore. I watch them. Observe them. Study them. Learn from them. How I used to be before I learned what love was. 3nodding Love is one of the true evils of mankind...
They got a new Pope. xd I know thats random but evil always makes me think of the Pope. 3nodding When my brother and his stupid friends talk about jackin off they sometimes say they like to "Shake hands with the Pope" xd boys are so silly~! xd ...heh, sweatdrop anyway, Shannon said the new Pope is German which is cool to me 'cause I am in german. whee Shannon said almost all the Popes have been Itailain except two...this new one makes three. 3nodding Shannon is my big book of useless facts. xd I do like hanging with him though, he always has an answer to any question I have. 3nodding We're both into engineering and astrophysics as a career. Except he wants to be a rocket...scientisty...thing.... sweatdrop But that and astrophysics is like the same thing, he said. 3nodding
Ahmygawd!!! Been ranting here almost like an hour and I'm so hungry~! I might make another entry later, but I wanna level more on RO heart
See ya~ 4laugh
UPDATE 7:32pm
Eh...I think I'll keep everything one entry now...saves less la-la space.
I'm a bit paranoid right now. No...not paranoid, just worried. I know I shouldn't worry, I know I shouldn't care...but I can't help it.
I kinda already know how the Josh thing is going to go out. How the finalle will begin and how it will end. I know I'm refering to it in such ignorant terms, as if I don't care...but if I elimate my attachment the final blow will be less hard to bare.
Sometimes, I just....forget. Like I forget we're just friends, when it comes to him I'm used to being his and I'm like...not. Nor is the likelyhood of that very evident anylonger. He has that other girl now. sad The Jessica person. He hasn't said it yet...but I'm not stupid....just sucks, 'cause yea he's leading me on like this and its not really fair. He can have her, that'll make him happy so I don't give a ********. I mean I do....just, don't wanna think of it. Ya know? Just let 'em do his thing and I'ma fade away. I'ma trudge back into my shell till my heart is fixed again and venture out to experiance new loves and stuff. I don't want to. I don't want to at all. I won't stand here will he dilly-daddles (damn thats old terminology...) for what he wants. Its not that hard to make a ******** decision. The girl siting nex tto you or the one a million miles away. The girl you can see touch and ********, and the one you'd have to wait an eternity to even meet. I see the reality of the ******** situation, I'm not blind I choose what I want to acknowlegde and what I do not. People always think I'm being to naieve, I see it all...I let you think what you will, I'll let your assumptions me your downfall. 3nodding But anyway...this wait is ridiculous. Josh knows what he wants, I don't think its me. He'll hurt my feelings and prolonging this only makes it worse. If he does want her then take her but I wont' talk to 'em or be his friend no more...not because I don't want that to be, but because it'll hurt way to ******** much to know some other girl was better than me and got him... Yea, Josh, I know your reading this now so here I am saying it. Make a choice so I can wiether in fear, retreat, and ******** move on because thats ******** exactly what you're doing. stressed
...I'm mad, I udnno if that was just a angry rant or how I feel. Just pisses me off like this an all..I'm very agitated right now. stare
You ever draw on yourself? I do...all the time. My body is my personal skectch/note pad xd
<center>
</center>Thats me....my hand atleast. It says "Get Pic's 4 Digital Photo[graphy] (20)" I need 20 pictures of abstract art for the class....its due tommrow. I've had a week to do it, and due to this horrible weekend I didnt' get anything done but moping.
I need to stop it. Moping aint for me. Jumi ish sometimes right...where ever teh ******** he is stare
I got this nasty habit of boys I care abotu coming in and outta my life whenever the ******** they feel..... stare
I wanna get my nails and hair done and I wanna go shopping. 3nodding Write with gel pins with fluffy tails on pretty paper I spritze with perfume like I do meh Onii-san letters, and just....be a girly. 3nodding I haven't been like that in a long time...mostly a tomboy. xd YOu should see me at lunch with meh friends, 3nodding they make the...most...heh, boysih jokes and I giggle and stuff with them and Shadarria and Jamerisa sit there with the most lost looks on their faces. xd It rocks~
My head feels weird....I wonder whats wrongf iwht me.
RO is boring...I do think I'll quit. Go crusin in meh car cool then go skatin at teh park and make goggly eyes at the skater boys xd Go see some movies with meh friends and just...chill. heart
Like I'd ask my friends to hang with me stare I dont' see any of them outside of school and I plan to keep it that way.
ooooooooooooooooooo.....
That song by Ciara called "Oh"...so rocks. 3nodding
Talk to Sephy....which was nice. whee
Its so hot here....I'm like...sweating almost...its disgusting. Only time I sweat is when I'm havin sex. gonk And sittint here typing is not sensually pleasing at all.
...least Izzy is off work now...He should be hom ein like an hour, and then I will be fortuante enough to have someone so speak to since everyone ish ignoirng me...I wonder what I kjeep doing wrong...I'm bein nice and everything...I'm just not good enough...
::sigh:: I gotta cook so I can eat dinner for 1....bye....
