I had a horrible dream...
It was combined with all my fears and stuff...well, all the stuff I used to be afraid of. Tornado's, crumbling/decaying abandoned builds, bugs, and of course...my father.
Seeing my uncle always reminds me of my dad and the past. I hate seeing him...I hate remembering. I wish he would take my cousin and go far, far, away and never return. Whenever my fathers side of the family is around, bad things start to happen. My uncle used to take part in witch craft and bewitching ceremonies and now I think our family is cursed. I know how stupid that sounds...but I honestly believe that. My dad used to see this imaginary "Blue Boy" when he was little...my dad used to be alone alot when he was younger--when his sisters weren't tormenting him in the basement, and Blue Boy was his only friend. You have no clue how much that scares me...like, was it a figment of his imagination or something more...I think of my future children when I say that. Will they be plauged by this same blue boy? I think...I honestly recal "Blue Boy" from my childhood...he would always play tricks on my eyes, making people appear where they weren't. Other bad things...
Yay~! Jumi PMed me on RO~! w00t~!
...tee hee. He said: "Hello little sister, is your foot any better?". His typing used to be so bad. Maybe after reading my entries it changed...I dunno. I'm just happy to hear from him. To talk and stuff...'course he had to go...see
Jumi : Hello little sister, is your foot any better?
M e l o d y : Your responce is a little late...
Jumi : I know.
M e l o d y : What took you so long to get back to me? I waited
M e l o d y : forever to get a fcking responce yesterday
Jumi : I didn't mean to make you wait, love. Thing;s came up.
M e l o d y : Don't call me that
Jumi : Don't curse then
M e l o d y : No don't tell me what to do
Jumi : Stop being so unmanageble.
M e l o d y : Stop being a jerk
Jumi : I'm sorry I didn't get back to you, please forgive me
M e l o d y : Why did you disappear before? I needed you...all
M e l o d y : of this could of been avoided if you would have
M e l o d y : just stayed here...
Jumi : You didn't need me anymore
M e l o d y : If you were just here I would be ok now...
M e l o d y : you wouldn't of let me be stupid like this...
Jumi : Yes. Now your inlove with someone who doesn't love you
Jumi : back. Did you expect me to change tat?
M e l o d y : you woulda stopped me in the first place...
M e l o d y : Then everything wouldn't hurt now
Jumi : You know...you just forget him and you won't hurt anymo
M e l o d y : I can't...
Jumi : You don't want to
M e l o d y : So what if I dont
Jumi : you keep clinging to that pathetic hope that the btch will
Jumi : chnage his mind
M e l o d y : ...its a happy though, atleast.
M e l o d y : and im not pathetic..
Jumi : Stop crying
M e l o d y : Don't tell me what to do
Jumi : *sigh* arguing is getting us nowhere
M e l o d y : I was ok till you came back
Jumi : want me to leave again?
M e l o d y : no...
Jumi : Then forget him and move on. Forget Isaac too
Jumi : You have me still, little sister
M e l o d y : I will not be yours...
M e l o d y : I don't like love anymore...
Jumi : I would treat you so good, though. You'd never hurt aga
Jumi : *again
M e l o d y : I dont' like you like that Jumi
M e l o d y : We settled that a long time ago
Jumi : That was the past, this is now
M e l o d y : I don't want you. I dont' awant anyone...
M e l o d y : Please do not ask me again
Jumi : Hai, little sister. I respect your wishes.
M e l o d y : How can you call me your sister and just say what
Jumi : So how are you today?
M e l o d y : you just did?!
Jumi : lol, because I can, little sister /no1
M e l o d y : ::rolls eyes:: w/e
Jumi : What's that mean?
M e l o d y : whatever
Jumi : You got that from him, didn't you?
M e l o d y : I don't want to discuss Josh anymore, drop it.
Jumi : Your hurting so much because of him, so I will not.
M e l o d y : ....anyway
M e l o d y : How long you been playing RO?
Jumi : A few months now.
Jumi : I've been watching you here too,
M e l o d y : Thats creepy XP
Jumi : Just keeping an eye on you
M e l o d y : What kinda characters you have?
Jumi : A wizard a merchant and a archer
M e l o d y : lvls?
Jumi : wiz-87, merch-34, archer-44
M e l o d y : Your wiz is not 87 you little liar
Jumi : It is. I'll show you him
M e l o d y : o.o You will? Where? Now? I'll come
Jumi : Get on your priestess. I'm in GH
M e l o d y : I love GH
Jumi : WAIT
M e l o d y : ?
Jumi : I have class in 15mins, I have to get going
M e l o d y : No fair
Jumi : I know, little sister. I'll be back in a few hours.
Jumi : Good bye, be save little sister.
I bet he doesn't even have a wiz...I need to hunt him down. I guess he's in college...I thought he was my age, though. I know so little about him...yet Jumi knows so much about me...I don't even know his real name... sad or age or where he's from or nothing....
::sigh:: I went to bed so early yesterday. I didnt' even get anotehr job and base...was to tiered. Not tiered, just numb to the point I didnt' care.
Today, I'm not as numb as yesterday. Just reminences of numb. I keep scratching myself like a crackhead or something...I am suffering more that I orginally thought. I am tempted to fall into bad habits, I have to restrain myself....like yesterday I wanted to scrub every floor in the house so I wouldnt' think of...you know who. In the shower I had to sit, I scrubed myself red...I don't like watching TV anymore...I hate being on RO...I keep crying. I wonder when I will be ok again...
Maybe in a year...thats when I get to see Chris. Chris is always here for me...he'll make me feel better...
I thought Isaac would...but he hasn't called me the entire weekend. If he was on a regular trip he would of atleast spared me a phone call...I shouldn't of broke up with him. Now he has someone else, he's probably ******** him or her as I speak...type, whatever. I don't even know why I try with people anymore...I'm just a toy, fun for the first few mintutes and then after the using is done tossed like cheap trash...
I keep trying to be ok for my friends on Gaia...trying to faithfully answer messages and PM and stuff...So hard to fake a happy smile. If I act happy maybe I will become it?
I so ******** know how I hurt Shadow now...now I see why he doesn't get on the internet anymore. I see why he hates RO like he does. I did that to him. I broke his heart, and made him feel as he does. It's all my fault...
...I want taco's for dinner. I like hard taco's, thats my fave food. They keep saying it on that Megas XLR commercial. I'm hungry now...no unthawed hamburger, though...mom is making soem fried s**t for dinner...if she decides to cook. I offered to make taco's for dinner yesterday and she said she didn't feel like going into the store...
I missed getting on RO and talking to Josh. I mean YIM...getting on there and talking to him...I dont' like saying his name, it makes me wince when I do...wincing as if in pain. I fell asleep. I quit, and I gave up. I don't try anymore...no point to...not anymore. I see the messages he left when I was away. Slasher messaged me too...surprisinly enough. Sakeri doesn't even try anymore..I want to get back intouch with her and Shateu but I can't seem to be able to...
I don't like people anymore...everyones goal nowadays is to just hurt me anyway...
Back to what I was saying....
The person's who name I will not speak, type---whatever, left me Gaia messages too. I think I read them...yes, I did...he offers to answer my questions. I keep thinking to myself "What questions?". No matter what I ask, he'll just yell and get fustrated and hate me more. Such a fleshy, bloody wound left in my heart...I keep looking down as if I can see right into it. As if I can see through the whole to the other side of nothingness. Why do I keep caring...he says he doesn't hate me, yet after his behavior...there is nothing but hatred to draw from it. I didnt' even do anything wrong...and thats what gets me. I did everything he asked me to, and it still wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough....no matter what, I just wasn't...and I tried so damn hard to be right. All my efforts down the drain. All my love and caring and concern just ******** because I am not nessassary...I am not needed...I am nothing.
...he is...happy now. This is what he wants. He is fine with me suffering...he doesnt care that I do. As long as he has what he wants...
I still suffer from shock...I still can't believe this is real...this is honestly happening...I can't grasp that idea...I don't want this...I want to be happy. I want him...I loved him more than Chris...never has anyone meant more to me than my cherished Onii-san...but it didn't matter...nothing matters...
I keep drifting off....staring at the wall and just zoning out. Not for a few seconds like normal people...for hours at a time. I just forget...I hope I can take school tommrow. So many peopl ekeep calling me and asking whats wrong, why I did what I did on Friday and won't tell them...whats the point. Nothing matters anymore....
He says in his journal that he is a lover and not a fighter...he is to young to know the differance between the two. He dances around as if he knows everything, without any experiance at all...you aren't wise until your old....I don't know....just blabering on...I keep this false hope alive that he'll call me up and say sorry and make everything ok again...I don't even know why I hope anymore...I have become so pathetic...I hate me so much. I hate myself for this not working out...I hate myself for ever even trying...I'm just a stupid b***h who wish's for things not possible...keeping false hope alive just to await the final let down which will becon immediate excution...
Like i care he lied...I don't...not at all. He did what he thought was right, no matter what intial intentions they had. Its on the ******** net for christs sake...I don't expect the truth. Except with myself, I tell the truth now about everything. I realized I have no reason to lie to people I will never meet. People I'll never see or be around, its pointless. So pointless...I said he can't love me back...I wonder why. He did it in the past....it is not hard to go back to what one once was. It is not at all...::sigh::
Maybe Jumi is right...maybe I need to just forget...he said he was happy...I said all I wanted was his happiness...and thats true, that is all I want. I just want so bad for that happiness to be me too. I shouldnt' want someone who doesn't want me...I shouldn't love someone who doesn't love me...I shouldnt' let this situation lower my will to live, when it hasn't phased him at all...why do I care...why do I keep trying....WHY THE HELL DO I ******** LOVE JOSH SO MUCH?!!?!?!!!?!!?
.....sorry....
I broke again. I'm fixed now...I think I am...I stopped crying.
I'm washing cloths...and I need to make some lunch...and the level Mel some more on RO...need to keep my brain busy...can' tthink of him...
So bye...
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Panda-tastic
My rants, not a life plan.
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