• Well I found out everything. Everything I was waiting to hear and everything I wish that had never happened. Alex my lover, my soul, the one I let go of last year still had feelings for me. But after shredding his heart so much inside he could never forgive me again no matter how hard I’ve tried. My wishes have disappeared so fast that it seemed harder to breath. Every breath I tried to take was empty and painful. I kept telling myself in and out, in and out that’s all there is to breathing, there had to be something more that I was missing though. The pain wouldn’t stop coming back no matter what I’d tried to do.
    Then that one night on Aim changed everything. What started out into a simple conversation turned into disaster right before my eyes. The love of my life was telling me he was going to commit suicide and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I’ve begged and pleaded with him not to do it, all I wanted was for him to be happy despite the pain I put him through the previous year. All I wanted was for him to get on with his life, but who knew it came at this price. That’s when the worst topic came up.
    He spoke to me and said, “Why even bother, I lost the last thing I ever cared about.” I was skeptical to what he might have been talking about so I threw out random answers like his girlfriend Katie, but I was horribly wrong. When he wrote down the answer, it was short. Only 1 word that took me so off guard that it made me choke on the very air of which I was breathing, “you.” This couldn’t be possible, he hated me, he never talks to me anymore, there was no way that he could still have feelings for me. Especially after the way I broke his heart. But yet he did, he still loved me no matter what I put him through, but the damage I inflicted was there and nothing I could say or do could make it dissolve.
    Then it all started, and I was explaining to him why I broke up with him, but he didn’t believe me. He cursed at me and called me a liar. I hated when I was called a liar when I was telling the truth but with him it was worse. He knew I loved him more then anything but he questioned my love saying I was just toying with his heart. I couldn’t comprehend my feelings; not one feeling passed through my heart that I didn’t feel. I was lost for words, lost in thoughts, lost in this world of which I built for myself. I tried so hard to ignore his words but they kept coming back to me almost like a kid throwing his new boomerang. When you threw it, it would always come back; the way I hurt Alex would also always come back.
    I knew that he hasn’t been talking to me at all for this reason but I was still hoping that he had gotten over me, but how could I want such a thing? Why would I want him to forget about the love we had? My only answer was that the love we shared has brought much joy, but at the same time ruined our friendship and are hearts. I knew the damage I was inflicting when I broke up with him. I knew the pain he would have to endure for the next couple weeks or months, but I never intended for him to hold on so long as a year.
    I only wanted him to be happy, to understand what I did and that there was a reason; just as there is a reason for everything. He did not understand though, the only words that he could manage were, “As much as I like u still now…… it’s just….. WORDS CAN’T DESCRIBE HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME!” Pain washed through me like a wave hitting the coast; hard and fast. As much as I wanted to say sorry; sorry for hurting you, sorry for ever putting you through this, sorry for shattering your heart; sorry couldn’t help, the damage was done and I left my mark. The mark will be there forever not only on him but on me as well.
    I got my first chance and I blew it. I got a second chance to prove my love and it’s gone. It’s rare to get a third chance and I could tell that that chance was not coming for me. So instead of saying sorry for the millionth time I explained how I felt when I broke up with him, how I knew what it would do to him, but why I had to do it. I don’t know if any of it really got through but I hope it did. I have many regrets in life; god you can say I have a list, but the regret that will always haunt me the most is what I did to him, which led him to be my suicidal lover, and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.