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I have done the greatest thing since the Swan Princess came back to life for the 4th time (beat that, Buffy!). I have found out what exactly happens to the missing sock...
As a teenager, I take pride in my sock selection. However, when my favorite knee-high stripes went missing after their weekly trip to the dryer, I had to investigate.
First, I ruled out that the sock went missing in anything but the dryer, thus proving that it did indeed go missing in the dryer. I came to my conclusion with the knowledge of the second most accurate theory (after, of course, the String theory) that all socks go missing in the dryer. This theory came into existence after many people put a sock in the dryer to find it missing when it was later not in the dryer.
But, I wondered. Why the sock? Why not the bra? The G-String? The shoe? Surely, there must be some multipedal creature residing within the realms of the dryer with a need for a soft article of clothing to cover its many feet! This was my hypothesis and, with the same knowledge that allowed me to create this exceptionally scientifical hypothesis, I was able to disguise myself as a sock. Once in this convincing disguise, I doused myself with soapy water (to create that out-of-the-wash effect) and entered the dryer, along with my friend, the fabric softener. From there, I had my assistant start the dryer.
As I started to tumble around within, I hit my head on that thing that tumbled and, along with the strange amount of heat inside the dryer, I do believe I entered the realm of unconsciousness. However, when I finally returned from that realm, but, not to the inside of my dryer, but in a different world! Looking behind me, I saw the portal of lint close, waiting to open again when the next poor soul would turn on their dryer.
Upon further observation, I found myself in a strange environment. I sat on a ground made of lint and was surrounded by trees growing fabric softener. Fuzzy organisms walking past me. Looking closer, I realized that my hypothesis had been correct! These organisms had many feet- four, I believe- upon which socks had been fitted. I approached the organism and said what any other creature from another planet, galaxy, or dimension, for that matter would be expected to say:
"Take me to your leader."
The organism, understanding my English, as I had also hypothesized, nodded (a human gesture- amazing!) and guided me to a strange looking palace, made of socks held together by nothing more than static cling! I bowed before the multipedal leader, who seemed unsatisfied with my gesture. With that, I proceeded to do 10 back flips, a split, and 17 dazzling color guard moves- a commonly known alien greeting. It seemed pleased. With this strange leader's undivided attention, I felt comfortable asking it questions about their sock-stealing ways.
The leader explained in fluent English his planet's motives. Their sock thievery was a result of to both take over Earth and have something soft and warm under their feet. However, in an attempt to take over Earth, the Sock Lord created one rule: If one were to accidentally come across a matching pair, one half of the pair must be left. It is common knowledge that it is better to lose a whole pair rather than have one mismatched sock remaining and have nothing to do with it. This annoyance, the brilliant leader theorized, would cause the whole of the Earth's population to go mad, thus forcing them to kill each other off in an aggravated rage.
Just as I was about to demand more information, the world of the Sock Organisms blurred into a nothing and I found myself back inside the dryer. The Sock Lord must have opened the portal between his world and mine in attempt to prevent me from getting further information from him. However, I had found out exactly what I
needed to know.
Listen to no medical records of what happened to my body that day. The statements that I am delusional are completely untrue. What I saw that day was 103.5% actual. Whatever physical damage I had sustained was purely a result from the trauma from teleporting between my world and the next.
 Killer Mockingbird · Mon Mar 19, 2007 @ 11:21pm · 1 Comments |
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