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Life getting ever so complicated |
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You know theres always a time where you wanna sit back and breath a little so you can get your thoughts gathered and all... But life is a b***h and it just wont give you that small amount of time, even knowing it could possibly save your life. Yah i have run into one of these predicaments again. Life seems to have it in for me or something.
Anyways its that time of year again. Most of the people who know what i mean are going s**t... Its already here? Yes! For those who dont understand let me explain. After the joyfulness ((input sarcasm here)) of spending two weeks with my family on winter break and then having such a wonderful ((more sarcasm)) time during school finals, hoopsters basket ball started. Now people are going what the hell? Whats soo bad about that? And why are you all emo about it? Simple, im not being emo, ive just been noticing a pattern that happens with my family. I love basketball but due to past inguries and my ashma i cant play it anymore. Personally i have no problem with it other then the fact i long to play it. But it brings up a huge problem with my family.
Im going to explain further so that people can understand what has lead up to this point in time, in my life. I played basketball for seven wonderful years. I loved it to death and at times it was the only thing keeping me here. It was a stress reliever to me. No matter what happened in my life i was able to forget about it, or at the least let it all steam out while i played. I pushed myself so that my frustration would simply disappear with a flick of the wrist. I played hard, and was known as a great defender, no one was able to match me in defending or friendliness on the court. I had so much fun and at the time my family loved me soo much more. I was something good in their minds.
You can only push yourself as far as you body will let you. Well i tried to push as far as my will and soul would. For a time, i could do it, i could ignore any pain i had from a game. I could play until the season was over. But you can only push yourself so far and sadly i learned it the hard way. I should have listened when people said to slow down but at the time i couldnt. I was working out my frustration and my pain. To me, there was nothing else i could do. Yes i was obsessed but i probably would do the same thing over and over again. My inguries caught up to me and made me crash so hard that i couldnt get back up. In a game, i was hit so hard, that i went into cement bleachers and cracked my knees against them. Then i twisted my ankle, and was forced to the ground by a girl three times my size. She put her knees into my back.
Its been three almost four years since ive played a real game. My back has been screwed up since then, my ankle is always in pain. My knee has developed something like water under the knee that can show up whenever and again constantly hurts. I forgot to mention that all the times i got hurt, i never saw a doctor. I took care of myself. The sport i loved, killed my body.
Ok, so we are going back. To why i hate this time of year. Its simple so it shouldnt take much to understand. My three sisters are still playing basketball. They are all on teams and have been. The past three years have shown me how much it means to my family to be athletic and be able to do what the family wants. When my sisters are involved in any sports they are praised, loved beyond reason, and all their demands are met. My family makes time for them to do whatever they want, and myself? Im left behind. Like an old toy thats broken, im thrown out of the circle. THey laugh at the fact i cant play any longer, that im not the top defender. Instead of being able to be loved, like my sisters, im given all their duties and am expected to be able to take care of everyones needs. Im the one that will probably be making all the food, doing all the house work, and being ignored unless im not doing exactly what they tell me to do. The sad thing is, is that i have already told my parents how i feel, and they dont care. They ignore it, or yell at me because i feel this way. Because i feel as if they are only using me... This time of year is the worst. Because soon they will treat me like im nothing, like im not even here. Or they will laugh at me when i go to try and play basketball and make jokes about how i was hurt. How i was so dumb to think i could make it.
This adds on to all the other problems i have. To the fact i have left my house two times already. Yah, i finally did it. It adds on to the fact, i have many sick birds and i too am sick. It adds on to the pain in my back, my knees, and my heart. It adds on to the stress of school and it being my last year. And it adds on to so much more, which i cant speak of in here. My fears, my hate, my sorrow. I hate this time of year, where i feel so useless, and so much like an item rather then a being. Watch me act out a fake happiness, and watch as my body tears down.
 Ishira Tsubasa · Fri Feb 02, 2007 @ 04:43am · 1 Comments |
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