wow.... it's been a while since i've posted a journal... well i'm going to put a poem in this one....
it kind of describes how i am feeling with relationships right now...
this is my heart on loving you
crying in shame
bleeding in vain
do you see this mess
it's me at my best
after getting off the phone with you
this is what vicious words can do
never expected it to hurt like this
never thought i'd miss
the warmth of your body next to mine
i wake up to find
you're always on my mind
i even miss the way you smile
this is all in my brain on file
and i miss the way you tell me i love you with one look
that's all it ever took
to know that you would be there
for me you were everywhere
now everytime i hear you voice i wanna cry
everytime i see your face i wanna die
see what you do to me
i can't be happy
if i have to be away from you
there is nothing that i can do
i don't know how i love you after everything you've done to me
and without you i should feel free
what is this nonsense
why does it feel like i walked into an electric fence
when you're gone, yet it does when you're here too
see this is my heart on loving you
i think i'm done with relationships right now... i can't seem to convince my ex britni that i am not going to go back out with her.... we were together for a long time and then she left me for another girl.... i can't imagine why i would never go out with her again...
then there's logan who keeps calling and telling me he misses me and he loves me, but he can't be with me coz he's back at home now... coz skeezy got kicked out of his house[his dad's a homphobic a*****e..] and then they realli didn't want to stay with kegan coz they know about all the s**t at his house.... so they kidnapped keg and they were staying with joey... but joey kevin, evan, and matty were alreadi living there thanx to kevin's brilliant idea for the band to go on tour last september.... and 4 bois + 3 bois = 7 bois in one house.... so logan, skeez, and keg are now at logan's house.... and logan can't go out with me again while he's living at home coz his mom doesn't like me and she thinks that i'm nothing, but a distraction....
and then on top of it i have all this s**t going on at home that i can't handle.... ******** i get treated like a slave.... like cinderella.... i do everything around here.... i cook, i clean, i do the laundry, i take care of all of the animals, i buy groceries, i buy all the stuff for all my animals... not once have i asked them to do anything for me... i've never even asked them for money.... and i even pay my own cell phone bill... and i pay their ******** internet bill...all that bullshit... i do my work... i've been doing a hell of a lot better in school lately... i haven't been getting in trouble... i've been doing my work... i'm trying to get all the s**t with my license handled so i can finalli drive myself... i'm trying to get a second job somewhere so i can pay for all the s**t that i need... ********, i'm only gonna be 17 this december and i have more responsibility than some of the older people i know *cough cough* aaron.... and ******** i'm on lockdown... i can't go anywhere or do anything until all my chores for the day are done, with the exception of school.... they have to know where i am at all times.... i get 20 billion calls from them calling me every five seconds to make sure that i'm not lying to them..... ******** if i go to a concert i can't make it thru half a song without my mom ******** calling....
and you can't ******** just start pulling this s**t with a kid whose not used to it.... i'm used to the cinderella like chores that my mom and her ex made me and his daughter do... but the thing was we could split s**t up... and are place was a lot smaller than my grandparents is.... and i never had to check in with my mom... she didn't realli care where i went or what i did.... i had all kinds of problems coz my moms ex called me fat and ugly and stupid.... i was bulemic and i cut myself... i finalli got fed up enough with her abusive alcoholic, crack aadict ex and moved in with aaron.... my mom didn't even notice i was gone for like a week/ week and a half....
s**t last year my grade point average was a 1.2.... this year my gpa is a 3.5 or possibli higher...
and still it's not good enough... 'oh, you did this wrong, you did that wrong.... you need to work harder.... you're too fat, you're too ugly, you're too stupid.... how are you planning on getting a boifriend anytime soon?'
i'm this close to telling those homophobic assholes that i'm bi so i can get my a** kicked out of the house.... coz i hate it here so much.... i can't go without crying for a day.... i've started cutting again and i'm about to go bulemic again.... the onli reason i realli quit was because logan caught me and made me promise that i would quit cutting and i would stop barfing after i ate....
s**t i'm exhuasted and i can't concentrate... i'm about to go take a nap before i go to my friend leah's.... if i am allowed... and we're gonna go.... or at least try and go see this band at orange street tonight.....
peace out
Miku Mischief Community Member 
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