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Ok, it's late at night and my chest really hurts, but I can't get to sleep. I've been crying because of a post I just submitted and replied to and I really hope I haven't lost a friendship.

I feel horrible, like the nothing has just crept into this world a little more. Something feels...off right now, like some one is squeazing my heart really hard in an attempt to make me cringe. I can't sleep and I feel sick. I haven't been like this since I was 4 or 5, when I started having nightmares of the nothing, crawling up on me in a small room, where the only light was coming from a candle I was holding. Ug, just remembering that nightmare makes me head start to hurt. Ouch...

One of my older friends has just literally taken one of her friendships and ripped it apart, well actually a couple, and she nearly lost mine. Ok, here's the thing. A lot of my friends have been having fights recently, and I've been trying to stay out of it the best I can, but when I get upset I have to vent somehow. Now, I was dragged into it because she called me a "some lame girlfriend." and she was saying that my boyfriend and mate was twisted, compassionless, fool that drags everyone down around him for his own gain. How could I not respond to that? I forgave her for calling me a "some lame girlfriend." but I could never forgive someone for calling an old friend such as my boyfriend a twisted compassionless fool.

Now I'm venting again, I guess it's for my own good. I can get it out of my system and someplace else where I can reread and then delete. It's good for me you know? Writing something down, keeping it for awhile, and then getting rid of it and forgetting about it. It helps, I haven't been doing that lately, and I guess thats one reason why I've been so stressed out. I haven't vented except in an annoyed and angry manner. Not good for me, really not good for me. Heightens my senses and I start hearing things...like now, gah, I think someones watching me, even though no ones around. Doesn't help that I've been watching HEX and Doctor Who for the past...oh...9...10 hours maybe? heh, time flies when your watching tv. or typing.

on a happier note, I'm out of school and I'm going to camp for a couple weeks! I'm excited because I always have fun there and if I do a really good job, they might offer me a job as a councelor in a couple years! Now that would rock! Being paid to do something I love, perfect! And I would get to watch over little kids ( and when I mean little, ages from like 5 to 18. ) I'd be about 19 or 20 when they offer me a job...I'm at a friends house typing this up, she's asleep, I'm not, blame it on the lack of light. Sometimes, my inner light switches on and I can never sleep. then it switches off and I could sleep through a hurricane. Nearly did once, if my mom hadn't taken me up to seattle to meet my grandparents after I was born. Since I was born in Tampa Florida and all. heh, during a heatwave in teh middle of summer, no wonder I love the heat so much. Doesn't help I was born during fire and earth astrological signs. Not even a week after Leo fades and Virgo rises. Earth and fire are warm elements for those who don't understand, thus I'm a warm person who love warm things.

Love life...:: blushes:: doing very well at the moment, actually, I think I might stick with my current boyfriend for a few decades. He's more then a boyfriend to me...you guys might say I'm to young to even be thinking this, but he's my companion, my mate, my lover, my soul-mate, the other half of me, the mysterious darkness to my warm light. He has guided me through so much and has helped me through my depressions. I've wittnessed him crying, and I've held him close. We've joked so much and we are alike and different in so many ways. When I'm with him I can't help but smile, even in a deep depression. I love him so much, even love doesn't fit what I feel...maybe eternal connection...no, still not right...I'll figure out what we have one day. It's more then love, maybe a little lust, but so much more. He's worth everything to me, and I can tell he feels the same way. Just by how he cries after being away from me for only 3 days, by how he calls everynight when we're apart, or I call him. I can tell when he holds me, as if I might fade away into the nothing, as if I never existed before.

That brings up something else. How come I've known about the nothing since the earliest I can remember? Why did I have nightmares of something I barely understood, and yet knew everything about? Why is it that a 4 year old had dreams of something that even gods can't figure out? I know in a past life I was a "chosen" of the gods, heck she hated it, ran from it and denied it until her goddess came to her to give her her destiny...which turned out pretty crappy and lets just say, she thinks love didn't really exist back then. Back to the nothing...maybe something happened in a past life where I came really close to it and thats why I dream of it? but that doesn't explain the dream I had when I was 7. I was standing on a cliff, except I'm much older, and down below, in a large crater in the ground, or maybe it was a large hole leading to the center of the planet, there was the nothing, crawling up at me. I back away but slip and the cliff crumbles and I'm falling. I sotp falling because someone important to me grabbed my hand. I...can't make out who it is and when I was 7 it was a blob of pink. But now I can tell it is a guy, I've had the dream again recently, anyway! the nothing is crawling up at me and touches my foot, I hear a scream and I wake up...

I want to know why it has affected me before I met my boyfriend! He says it's because the nothing is connected to him and the fates knew we would be connected or something like that, I can't remember what he said...but there's something else...I know there is, it's in the back of my mind, but it is there. gah, pain! I can't think about it anymore, it makes my head really hurt, like a tumor or something, it hurts.

So thats all I'm going to say on the subject, and I think I'll stop for tonight. Night.

A light into the darkness, seer into the nothing. I'm here for you.

Sarah.