song+ poison glen (in my head)
book+ jrr tolkien // author of the century
scent+ nuu
quest+ -_-;
upper+ bleh
downer+ mostly everything -o-
attire+ meh
drink+ nada
Uhhrrgg so much has happened and I don't even know where to begin .. -______-
Well firstly I guess I'll say I quit Target. X_o;;;; Yeah I know I'm a stupid idiot who cannot take the real world. And I'm a lazy git, right? -___; I dunno. I just couldn't take the place anymore. Every time I came in a nearly had a crying fit, just from the stress of everything. -_; Bleh. Last I heard the bakery guy Bryan went all loco and scrawled "Happy Birthday" in a scary Chucky-esque fashion on someone's cake. Mum said they had to apologize and give them the cake for free, and a whole bunch of other stuff. -_X I wonder if it's because of me though, since he probably had to cut meat the rest of the day, after I left. >___>;;;;;;
But he has been a complete a** to me and others for months so I don't know if I care or not. -____-;;;
So now I'm just .. blehg. I can't go without a job of course, and I don't want to. I hate feeling like dead weight. -.-;;;;; It's a HORRIBLE feeling. When I was younger mum did everything for us, everything, and now that I know (just barely, really) what it's like to have uber-responsibility - I don't want anyone else to have to do extra on my account. -_- bleh. I really want to get a job now -o- .. I hope tomorrow mum has off so we can get some applications. I wouldn't mind working at Subway or Quiznos or whatever. ^o^;;; A bookstore would be spiffy but .. well ^^;;; I dunno. I seem to only get silence from those types of places.
Today was fairly horrible though. -___- Well the last few days have been. Esmerelda the PMS Queen has been a complete nutcase lately. Anger issues and such. -__u;; I don't really want to go into it. Yesterday he scared me so bad I had to call the police. But I could only say "Ineedhelp!" before he unplugged the phone and chucked it across the room. ;_; They came anyway and had a Big Ol' Talk with him, saying that if they get another call they rarely come back empty-handed. u.u Then today he gave me a good shoving into the dresser-drawers. ;___; And then my worst fear came to pass and he hit Ryuu .. ;_________;
He'll be okay but I'm in such a mix of anger, terror, despair .. only two things kept me from calling the police - Rand prevented me from using the phone, and wouldn't let me out of the house to use a neighbors phone. Also Ryuu didn't want me to .. ;_; but ..
I .. just hate Rand. I hatehatehatehate him. He's hurt the being I love most in the universe and I will never, ever forgive him. I don't have a brother anymore. I'm not acknowledging his existence at this point. If anything I may claw his effing eyes out, or slit his throat while he sleeps. All he does is cause misery and pain for his family. He's done this for years. Tortured poor mum until she can't take anymore. He yelled at Nana when she was over last. Nana! I mean you just don't tell your 84 year old grandma to shut up. >OOOOOOO Goddamn b*****d.
I feel like I can't even do anything. And in truth I can't. If I call the police on him again, he'll tell them mum is living here (she's not on the lease) and we might all get kicked out. He'll do the same if I try to get the lease changed. And if I just lock him out he'll literally break in through one of the windows and throttle me to death. I'm trapped. I can't do a ******** thing. -_-
Hence the despair and stuff. -____-
So I dunno what to do. I have to get a job soon. If I can stop crying all day. -_-
The only thing keeping me alive is Ryuu and his love for me. I couldn't live without him. ;___; I wish to Goddess that I could make everything peaceful for him .. he works so effing hard and then has to come home to this crap. ;_;
I'm sososososo sorry my love .. ;____________________; I know you don't like it when I apologize for something I technically didn't do but still .. ;_; you deserve so much better. ;_;
 The Viscount · Mon Mar 27, 2006 @ 03:27am · 3 Comments |
