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Well let's see here...I haven't journaled in a few days because things have been getting really crazy lately...Not like anyone really cares enough to read this anyways, but whatever...
I was so disappointed on the 10th...The day that marked a year and a half with Christina..I thought it would be special and I'd have a nice little time with her, if only for a little bit, but apparently not...It was a disaster...We barely talked, she couldn't use the computer or even see me, so we couldn't do anything anyways, and well it was just flat out depressing for both of us...One of the bigger letdowns in my life...
And then on the 11th the day after I was still sick and things just kept getting worse along those lines...I ended up curled up not going to school and just doing absolutely nothing the whole day...Talked to Christina for a little bit, but it was still kind of depressing...The day before she had spent most of her time talking to Iris instead of me, and well needless to say I was extremely hurt...So yea, also not a very good day..
Then things just REALLY went downhill...
On the 12th I had another breakdown..Even worse than the one I had on new years day...I was on the phone with Christina and I learned the worst news I could've possibly heard...She's being kept for another month...
A whole...
Entire...
Month...
This one month alone has nearly killed me, and I really don't think I can go another without her at least making it into partial care...I fell on the floor after she hung up and immediately started crying out and screaming in pain at the top of my lungs..I don't even entirely know why, but I just did and I couldn't control it...I felt so terrible, I had actually given up completely and I was about ready to end it all...My parents threatened to send me to a psyche ward, but at this point I don't know if they're right or not...Sure they would keep me from doing anything stupid, but I refuse to talk to strangers and be forced to love Christina any less than I do now...I love her, no matter what. It's who I am, and I won't let anyone change that about me...I just hope she feels the same way about me...So anyways after that my parents got all paranoid and decided to call in the family to "help" me...-sigh- I really didn't want that much attention. I'm not doing this for attention, I don't WANT their attention and I don't WANT their help and their constant worrying...All that's doing is making me feel awkward and worse. Next time something like this happens I'm not going to tell anyone...
Christina's mother told me that she's still pushing for partial care, but I don't think she's pushing hard enough..Every time she says she's going to do it "next week" that "next week" always turns into the week after that every time the doctor so much as disagrees...At this rate they'll never let her out, or even give her any time to breathe...Still, it's that hope that she'll make it to partial care and be able to see me again that's keeping me going...I really really hope she can...I need to see her again, I need her...
Please...Please let it happen next week...Let her come home...I don't wanna go through another month of this...
Anyways today I'm still unstable, so I don't know what's going to happen...One slight push and I could fall off the edge again..I just hope I can keep my balance on this thin line that I'm standing on...I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope and pray with all my heart that it'll be good...
Please let it be good..Let her see me again...
I love you Christina...
<3Forever and ever, til death do us part, my love...<3
 II Xero II · Wed Jan 13, 2010 @ 10:43pm · 0 Comments |
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