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Maye it's not meant to be?
I lost Rajah recently, and it wasn't so much the fact that they couldn't do anything for him; it was the fact that I'd built up this wild and desperate hope that he was going to be okay and no damage was going to have been done; then I found out that by the time we took him to the emergency vet it was already too late. You'd think that I'd be used to loss by now, but it just came as a crushing blow, and I started sobbing the moment that the vet told me his entire small intestine was lacerated and there was string EVERYWHERE. I keep asking myself why; why did Rajah do that? Was it an accident or on purpose? Was it to teach me something? If so, what? Everything happens for a reason; why do I keep losing cats that are dear to me? First Lilka; and that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Rajah helped to fill the hole that was there because of her; and now it's twice the size. I've just found out that the cost for a pet flight to get my British kitties over here is going to be about 335 pounds each, so we're probably going to have to rehome them, unless it's possible to buy two tickets from England and stick them on the seat and floor in travel cases. So I'll probably never get to see my Dokies or Sorcha again, or be able to meet Moogle. I've just gone into this deep depression because I love kitties with all my heart, but it just seems like I'm not meant to have any. They all keep dying and being unable to be near me, and I form such an attachment that it just breaks my heart in the end. Maybe it's just not meant to be; maybe I'm just supposed to live my life kittyless and everything from now on. =/ I've thought about getting some cute lil ratties or something, but I want another cat, and Spikey doesn't even want to think of kitties right now, not that I blame her. I think I'm going to go to a shelter for cats from now on, so that they've all tested negative for feline leukemia and have been vaccinated and everything too. But then, they might still get sick or eat string or something, and I'd lose them too. I just... I don't know what to do. I don't know what I'm being told, what I'm being shown by my guides, or why this is all happening. I'm too stressed to even begin thinking about talking to them anyway; and I haven't been to the UU church in eons. I'm losing touch with my spirituality too, and I hate that, but it's just a side effect of trying to find a place to live, making sure Amber is able to move in with us, having a terribly stressful job, and stressing out over a sick kitty. So far, 2009 hasn't been a very good year for me. ;o;
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