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Seriously, why not? I have a split personality. My therapist said so -- hey, that's weird. That word, therapist. If you separate it it becomes 'the rapist.' *shudders* kk, off the subject now. As I was saying -- and this ain't no counselor from Albany Clinic neither; he's qualified and everything for Decatur General West -- my therapist said I have two personalities. They have a lot in common with my two manga characters I made up, so I've decided to name them. Right now I am both at once at neither one, which makes me the neutral character I made up, Jennifer. In reality I myself am not a personality; I am merely in the middle of an ongoing war inside my mind, and the result of that war as a subconcious defense mechanism to keep myself sane. My personality around most people is KX. She is highly aggressive and I'm not entirely sure she remembers how to cry. I don't think she ever has, except out of anger. She's gonna kill me for saying this, but I think she's in denial. She refuses to believe that she feels anything but anger and hatred. My personality around my friends and at home -- or just hopped up on Prozac -- is Rayne. Rayne is basically a little girl. I guess you could call her my inner child. My inner child never really got out, not even when I was a kid. I guess that's why she's still here: Because she doesn't have anywhere else to go. She's kinda like a ghost, I guess. She's the one that wants to love people and trust people and be cared for and sit in people's laps and smile and laugh and sing and dance and all that stuffness that little girls want. But KX is interfering with that -- I think the only reason KX is here is because if she wasn't then Rayne would be completely dominant and I would be an optimist (ew) -- by denying that she has any feelings but anger. The more she denies it, the more depressed Rayne becomes. I hate to admit it, but while I was only writing my problems down and before I started talking to Amy, my third therapist (the other two were run out of the profession) KX was really winning. I had no happiness left. I was lost and alone, either angry at the world or crying for no reason. But then Amy quit on me and I started talking to Mike. I'm still talking to him, and ever since I started Rayne's seemed happier. I think I'm starting to get my happiness back, and I think it's because I don't want to be depressed anymore. I've been hyper ever since my psychiatrist Deanna put me on Prozac, but hyper and happy are two different things. We both like to let everyone know what's going on in our lives -- I'm the only one who wants to stay out of the spotlight -- but for different reasons. KX just likes freaking people out with the stuff that goes on in our head. She likes to see their weirded out expressions when she drinks my blood after I cut myself in school. I think it's her way of making people back off, because they always do when she does that. I get mad at her, too; drinking my blood brings both Rayne and Jennifer to the front. Neither of us wants to see people looking at us like that, but KX thinks it's funny. Rayne just wants to know she can trust people with her secrets, which is why whenever she gets out another person knows our secret. She never gives up, though. Even though she knows she'll lose a possible new friend -- cuz that's all she wants, is a friend -- she keeps trying to see if she can trust someone. But she can't. Someone always tells, and if they don't they to avoid her. I think that in addition to KX's denial is depressing her all over again. She's struggling to stay above the surface, but she keeps sinking lower and lower until she can just barely see the light on the other side. She keeps trying to rise above, trying to find someone to trust, trying to find a confidant who can really relate to her and not tell anyone her secret, but she's starting to think noone like that exists. I'm seeing less and less of Jennifer every day, so it's very hard to be neutral. Maybe I am going through a tough time right now. KX is always raging at the world, and one of my personalities can't make up her mind about how she feels. She wants to be happy, but she can't see that there's noone out there she can trust completely. There's noone there to help her but she thinks there is. I'm afraid that if this goes on much longer the war will result in another personality. Rayne might create another out of her past self so she can be happy and leave her problems with someone else. That's the problem with Rayne -- she's childishly selfish. She wants to get rid of her own pain so badly that she doesn't care who she hurts in the process. If someone lets her know she's hurting them, she'll stop, but until then I'm not sure if she doesn't know or she just doesn't care. Maybe she does know and hopes she'll get away with it because she hates that pain so much. She wants to get rid of all of it. But she can't. It'll be there forever. Jennifer knows that and KX knows that, but Rayne doesn't know that. It kind of makes me sad. It almost brings a tear to my eye. It's like watching someone try so hard to fight when they know they don't have the strength, and you want to tell them to stop but they keep fighting. They have to or they won't be able to live with themselves, and you just know they won't live anyway because they'll get killed before they get the chance to beat themselves up about it, and they can't see that but you can. Rayne can be compared to a toddler playing with with a ball that rolls out into the street, and Jennifer can be compared to the child's mother. The child goes out into the street to get the ball back without knowing the danger it's facing, and the mother tries to run and save her child because she does. She knows that if the child stays there it'll get hurt, and that would hurt her. She doesn't want to lose that part of her.

And that's me. My name is Jennifer. I am fourteen years old, and this is my story.