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I'm just writing here. Nothing really important, so yeah..
ugh.. Life is starting to suck. I really want to graduate a year early, so I talked to my Councilor here, right? She starts going off on how I should take all these AP classes, and extra things that are going to get me there, but she isn't sure if I'd could graduate a FULL year only. She's thinking maybe only a semester.
The play is stupid. I'm sorry, but it is! So that's making me depressed, cause I am not going to quit no matter what, so I'm stuck in this DUMB play! URGH!
I'm glad I have a bf^_^ still, and well thats good and all, but lately I've been wondering if it's worth it to "save myself for my true love". Would it really be so bad if I just did it now? I mean, Mom and Dad keep telling me that I have to wait until I'm out on my own, in college, but would it really be soo tragic if I didn't? I know the concequences, and I know about what could happen, but well.... I dunno.
The NCBI thing is tripping me out. I gave that speech, and I wanted to cry. I felt my throat closing in, I needed to cry, but I couldn't! And then when I searched for why not, My mind flipped back to when I was like 5 or so, out in public with my mom, I was sobbing over something or another, and she was twisting my arm. Trying to get me to stop. when that didn't work, her hand went over my mouth, forcing me to struggle so I could breathe. And I realized. All those years of my mom not wanting me to show my emotions in public have actually made it so I can't really show that in public at all. And the moment I realized that, I couldn't believe it. I know about a month a go, I had a nightmare where I was back there, and I woke up feeling as if someone had their hand over my mouth, choking me, and I couldn't breathe. I guess I just can't stop freaking out over that really..
Anyways, thanks for reading. I don't really care whether or not you comment, I just really wanted to get all of that off my chest.
edit.. poem
People Ask who I am
I smile and tell my name
People ask what I do
I answer I'm a student
People Ask what I want to do
I tell them of my future
People Ask where I live
I tell them where my home is
When People ask if I'm ok
I smile and answer yes
When People ask why I look sad
I assure them it is nothing
When People ask if something hurt
I smile and say no way
When People ask how I got to be me
I answer that it was practice
But when THEY ask who I am
In my mind I scream.
No way will a name represent everything in me.
ANd when THEY ask what I do
Nothing will ever show
How many things I try to do, Every single moment
And when THEY ask what I want to do
My fantasys run and hide
How could they realize how many nights I spend wishing to find whats inside
When THEY ask where I live
Ever house I've stayed in comes up
And I wonder, where do I live? and just leave it at that?
So when THEY ask if I'm ok
And notice I am not
Will they notice the tear on my face, or the scar on my wrist?
And when THEY ask why I look sad
And try to get me to tell
Will they hear my plea for help, as my child shrieks and yells?
When THEY ask if something hurt
Will they see the blood from my wounds
Can they comprehend how numb I am, from self-inflicted pain?
When THEY ask how I got to be me
Will they notice what I overcame
Could they ever find that I used to be them or will they never see
So when People Ask questions that don't make sense
Or THEY don't understand
Will your answers be short, painful lies
Will they be the truth?
Or will you turn into one of them
And try to blend in with the group..
 Bewitchedh · Fri Oct 21, 2005 @ 04:24am · 6 Comments |
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