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I have a slight problem with Christmas. Not the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ; that's all well and good if you're Christian and believe that a giant invisible man can get a woman pregnant -- WITHOUT HER CONSENT-- and never have sex with her. (Though it is, in fact, possible to be a virgin and get pregnant. Sperm hits labia, there's a chance. But anyway.) Christmas isn't about the birth of Christ anymore, it's another commercial holiday in a string of commercial holidays. Let's start from the beginning of the year, shall we?
January 1 -- New Year's Sales! Save BIG on EVERYTHING you don't need but think you do because advertisers are wizards!!
February 14 -- Valentine's Day. What happened to confessing love and romantic dinners/walks/movies/date-like activities? Now Valentine's candy and other paraphernalia is showing up in stores TWO WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. It's not romantic, it's rushed and nearly a riot- everyone freaking out about boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/classmates and wondering about jewelry. Ugh. No more chocolate, please.
Mardi Gras -- Let's not even go there, okay? One massive excuse to drink, screw a total stranger, and drink more. Hello, rehab.
March 17 -- St. Patrick's Day. Does anyone even remember why this day is celebrated? More than half the people who celebrate this holiday aren't Irish, Scottish, or Welsh, and we've turned it into just another drink- and - dress - up - like - a - moron holiday.
March 22 - April 25 -- Easter. Let's forget about the resurrection of Christ, let's just go to church, fall asleep because it takes a hella lot longer than usual, go home, eat until we pass out, wake up, drink until we pass out, and watch the kiddies run around in nice clothes grabbing plastic chicken eggs filled with crap they don't need. Easter's about the Jelly-Bellies. Riiiight.
April 1 -- April Fool's! The gags. Not touching this one. Not even going to go there, mostly because it's always been a commercial holiday. Where else would Johnny in Science get those ideas? Originality? Who's that?
May 1 -- May Day, originally a celebration of spring, comes about six weeks too late, and you have to be drunk or five to want to run in a circle holding a ribbon attached to a pole. Sure, you can make a great pattern if everyone follows directions. But who does that when drunk or five?
May 10/11 -- Mother's Day. Instead of actually appreciating Mother dearest, the thought now is to run around town buying jewelry and cookies and chocolates and clothing for the matriarch. But we still expect her to clean the house, cook dinner, run Mary to ballet, soccer, piano, school, Girl Scouts, 4-H, youth group, Katie's house for the sleepover, bake Mark's birthday cake and get everyone tucked in at night, around going to work and dealing with all the other stressed Moms. Let the woman sleep, people!
May 31 -- Pentecost, does anyone celebrate this? The day the Holy Ghost descended upon the Apostles? Anyone? Catholics? Hello?
June 21 -- Father's Day. Poor Dad. Guy's got to bring home the bacon, be a good role model, show up to every single soccer game, piano recital, ballet recital, softball/baseball game, beat up the local bully, take the kids to the zoo, the big games, grill for the cookout on Saturday, keep the cars cleaned, and so on. Poor guy's exhausted. But we have to go buy the grill/tie/shoes/wallet whatever manly thing the dude needs now. Get him a hammock so he can sleep the afternoon away. He'll appreciate it.
July 4 -- Independence day! Whooohoo! We sure got those British bastards! We signed a piece of paper! Honestly, though, this holiday, which has EXTREME NATIONAL IMPORTANCE again falls to big sales for stores and maybe a family get-together for food and fun around the grill.
September 1 -- Labor Day. Can't wear white shoes now, but damned if the stores won't try to sell them to you for next year!
October 31 -- Halloween. Once a pagan holiday celebrating the harvest and using jack-o-lanterns to scare away the spirits of the wandering dead, Samhain (Pronounced Sow-en) has been mutated into pretty fairy princess and superhero costumes and candy. Lots and lots of candy. MILLIONS of pounds of candy. Dentists' wetdream. Seriously.
November 24-28 --Thanksgiving. Another reason to eat, drink and pass out. Of course, this is AFTER you shop til you drop for those holiday savings!! And let's not forget Black Friday! How many people took off work for this event? Went and spent a lot of money?
December 25 -- Christmas. Originally about Christ, it took over the pagan holiday of Saturnalia, which was all about the feasting. Have fun around the Winter Solstice, people!! Now it's holiday savings and a large fat man in a red and white furry suit who watches you all year long. ninja Anyone else have a problem being stalked by a old fat guy? I think that's called voyeurism, and most probably *****, too. Wouldn't Freud have fun with Santa?
 Flayre The Pyro Girl · Fri Dec 19, 2008 @ 05:00am · 0 Comments |
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