As some of you know i have recently lost a very important thing in my life....and that was being there when my best friend has her baby. Yet she was only 16 we had a strong connection because she was going out with my ex-boyfriend who basically played us both but i ever let him get as far as casey did. I was at home on sunday november 16 when i got the call from my friends mom saying that she had got into a car accident and lost her baby. I truly is sad but i knew that sometime or later that i would have to stop grieving. But as soon as i was informed about the terrible news, i took out my confussion on someone who is probably more depressed as i am right now. When i told this indiviual all he had so say was "it happens" yea it seems heartless but then later when i ran it through my mind more and more, it made a lot of sense. I should have never yelled at him the way i did. I shouldnt have felt the resentment of the situation that i felt at that spilt moment. I was so wrong for it and i hate to be the one that he now ignores. And no lie.....for the past week i have had horrible nightmares of the night. I could almost feel the hate jump right out of the computer that he probably felt toward me. I had no right to take out my emotions on him. And im truly sorry. I was reading new moon the other night.....and it was at the part where Edward leaves Bella.....and the exact words out of the book were......
***There was a pause as i repeated the words in my head a few times, sifting through them for their real intent. "you....dont....want me?" i tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in order.
"No"
I stared umcomprehending, into his eyes. He stared without apology. His eyes like topaz-hard and clear and very deep.
*later in the pages*
"Dont...." i said in a small voice "dont do this." My legs most have stared shaking becase the tree i was holding myself upon started wobbling.
He smiled gently. "Dont worry. You-re human-yourmemory is no more than a sieve. time heals all wounds for your kind."
"And your memories?" i asked. It sounded like there was something stuck in my throut, like i was choking.
"Well" he hasitated for a short second "I wont forget My my kind.....we're very destacted" He smiled; the same smile was tranquil and it didn't touch his eyes."Goodbye, Bella,"he said in the same quiet, peaceful voice.
"Wait!" i choked on the word, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs carried me forward.
I thought he was reaching for me, too. But then his cold hands locked around my wrists and pinned then to my sides. He leaned down, and pressed his lips to my forehead for the slightest second.
"Take care of yourslef Bella" be breathes, cool aginsted my skin.
There was a light, unnatural breeze. My eyes flashed open. The leaves on a small vine maple shuddered with the gentle wind of his passage.
He was gone.***
I must admit though.....for the first time in a long time....i started crying. Well from the way it felt i was like unleashing about 7 months of no emotions toward crying in about 10 minutes. I cried one" because i was so attactched to the book. And two:becasue it felt like he had left me too.
I was balling for about 10 minutes then i fell alseep. That was the night the nightmares stared. I cant explain nthem though. Its like im standing right next to him. Holding his hand and then he jsut disapears......like that......and im ina ahuge room and i cant find him. I start panicking and when i wake up.......i cant breathe. i dont get it. its so confusing. I wonder if when i have the noghtmare i stop breathing......for the short instant. The dream goes by so fast....so i could have stopped breathing. but its unknown to me.........all i really know is that im vey....deeply depressed.
and i cant do anything to ease the depression.........
 Phiney93 · Fri Nov 21, 2008 @ 03:33am · 2 Comments |
