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I've learned my lesson about this. |
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P.E. Class today.
Teacher: Why aren't you dresses Dee? If you aren't dressed tomorrow, you're going to the couselors office.
Dee: Okay.
Joe: Hey, it's okay, we're here for you. You can call 1-800....
Me: Suicide. Did you know 1-800-SUICIDE is a suicide hotline?
Joe: That's not funny, my friend commited suicide.
Me: Crap really?
Joe: Yes.
Now you can inagine, if you know what's happened in my life, how I reacted to this. I felt my heart kinda drop and split some. I put my hands over my mouth, and felt like crying. I turned around.
Joe: I'M KIDDING!! Dude! You're face! ARE YOU OKAY?!?!?!?!? *Laughter*
Me: That's not freaking funny. You freaked me out. I thought you were serious.
Joe: Oh my God, I'm so sorry!
MaK: That's not funny, look at her! Are you alright? It's okay.
Me: No, that's like....serious.
I seriously freaked out. Everytime suicide comes up, I can't even say anything. I freeze, become shy. I feel scared. Going through the experience I had earlier this year, I just feel like I'm never going to get through life. Because suicide comes up so much in everyday life, I can't concentrate. As soon as someone realizes how it affects me, they all kinda stop and go, "Oh. Oops sorry, I forgot." You didn't forget. You didn't think before you said anything. You didn't think about how it would affect someone.
Everytime I see the person that started the scare for me, I can't think of anything else besides, What if they aren't here tomorrow? That paper about the kid who brought the gun to school, the news that talked about the kid who shot himself in the bathroom....what if that happens to you? I wish I could talk to you about it. I couldn't live without you here. I can't go a day without knowing you're safe. No, it's not a love for you....it's a fear.
It isn't love, it's fear. I'm afraid of that happening. No, you can't say If you didn't like me, you wouldn't care. You want the truth? I haven't been able to get you off my mind since that day. And every little reminder makes me want to cry. And those times I do cry, it makes me cry more thinking of you doing that. There's a natural caring love I have for most people. And feel lucky, because you're one of the ones that I care about most.
Just so you know, I hope you read this part most. You know who you are, and what this is about. Or at least you should know, about that dreaded day. I haven't ever forgotten about that. If you comitted suicide, I'd cry. You don't have to like any part of me being in existence, but remember what I'm about to say. Take it with you forever, because that's a long as it lives.
If you comitted suicide, I would follow suit.
I would do it to prove to you I care.
I'd do it for you.
 nangal · Thu Oct 23, 2008 @ 12:02am · 0 Comments |
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